The Inherent Loneliness of Autism

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When I was younger (think teenage years, college, and into my mid 20s perhaps) I knew I was a little bit different- didn't quite fit in. The thing is I kind of thought time would smooth everything out. That I would become more like other people and other people would become more like me.

To be blunt I thought people processed, saw, and thought about the world in a very similar manner to myself. That actually gave me a great bit of comfort with people. Allowed me to trust them much more. Feel more comfortable around them. The problem is my mind seemed to keep going in one direction while the rest of the world went in different direction.

As my 20s progressed I found myself lonelier and lonelier. I actually had a group of friends when I was an undergraduate. By the time I was in graduate school I was having a harder and harder time socializing. I remember one night at a bar with a group of fellow grad students, I just sat there. I realized I had nothing to say, and they basically had nothing to say to me. I was never invited out again after that night.

I was diagnosed as autistic two years ago. One would think this would provide comfort of a sort, explain things a little bit I suppose. But it made me feel tremendously lonely. I saw clearly for the first time how vast the chasm between myself and most people actually was. It is not like I was just asking out the right girl away from having a girlfriend. I was not the right party away from having a group of friends again. I was different and there was not much either side could do to bridge that gap.

I have been isolating to greater and greater degrees in my life since I graduated from college. In say my late 20s and early 30s I thought of it more as a temporary isolation- at least until I met the right people or whatever it might be. Now my isolation feels eternal.

Loneliness has been a constant companion of mine and my autism makes me feel like it is something I will never quite shake. I'll admit I have accepted a slightly diminished life- I will never have a ton of friends or a healthy social circle. I will never make much money. I will never have much of a career. I will never have kids. And my job opportunities are limited to jobs where I do not work with people very much. I have learned to part with things and I really do not even feel their absence anymore. I certainly feel I am asking a lot less out of life than most people and it honestly does not bother me at all anymore.

The one thing I haven't given up on is a romantic relationship. In my heart and in my soul, I know I am capable of a romantic relationship. Even though no one has ever given me the chance. I know I can still connect with other individuals in a one-on-one basis.

Love in many ways is my last real connection to the social world. Personally, I can think of no better thing to cling to unto the bitter end. Success, politics, power, money, theology, war, philosophy, science all mean nothing to me. I have left those aspects of the human condition to the rest of you. But I still ask and strive for love. At least from my perspective I am not sure anything else matters.

You're only two years older than me. How did you manage to go through 30+ years without getting assessed or diagnosed, yet I, a non-typical Aspie female, got assessed and diagnosed when I was only 8 years old?

I am well behaved, high functioning and reasonably intelligent. They did not try and diagnose people like me thirty years ago.

Brian, Welcome to Wrong Planet.

While here you will for read accounts by people for whom getting diagnosed was a positive. That said there is no one way to react to an autism diagnosis.

Autism like most things in life comes with good parts and bad parts. Very often the bad parts overwhelm the good parts to the point where the good parts are invisible.

You talk about a diminished life. Autism is a disability meaning there are certain things we can’t do that typical people can do. It is important to note that disability does not automatically mean inability. It could mean that it takes us a lot longer to get to a goal that most others have no problem with. Also for things we can’t do often there are workarounds.

The key here is not letting being realistic about what can’t do prevent us from finding our skills and workarounds.

I hope Wrong Planet can help you with this quest. Don’t be afraid of asking questions out of fear of sounding stupid.

Thank you so very much for your kind words and welcome ASPartOfMe. I do apologize if I came across like an autism diagnosis is necessarily a bad thing. That was not my intent at all and could not be further from my personal beliefs. It was more a personal reflection upon being diagnosed when I was thirty-six after trying to make my way in the world as a person without autism for the first say thirty-five years of my life.

My actual belief is that I wish I was diagnosed much younger. Preferably before college if I am honest. I had really good grades as an undergrad. I first thought about being a lawyer, before deciding to be a teacher after that. It was when I was student teaching that it became abundantly obvious, I was not really meant for such a social job. I really wish I had a greater understanding of my differences with other people before deciding upon my college major and career path.

I have certainly never looked down upon anyone who is autistic. Like probably many people on here I come from a family where autism happens a fair amount. I am the only person in my immediate family who is autistic (I now have a nephew who was diagnosed at the age of four though). And twenty or thirty years ago we had a much different understanding of autism. People like me were just considered a bit different, I think everyone just assumed I would grow out of my shyness and differences. I suppose you could have counted me amongst those people.

One personal struggle for me is that I am not into typical autistic interests. I am more eclectic. I move from thing to thing. That said I loved the humanities when I was younger. I wanted to be a history teacher. When I had friends in college, I cherished them more than anything in the world. My number one goal in life since the age of twenty was to be in a romantic relationship. I am certainly not a history teacher, I have no personal friends, and I am thirty-eight years old and have still never been past a second date. My limitations have been particularly hard on me in that sense. It feels like the door was shut on so many of my dreams and ambitions.

Even when I was in my mid-20s or early-30s I kind of just figured I was a late bloomer. I looked normal. I had normal to above average intelligence. People have never really complained about my looks. I figured I just was slow to getting into my first relationship, every single fiber of my being believed it would eventually happen. In short, I thought everyone was basically like me and when I found out how different I actually was it made the world a much scarier and lonelier place for me.

Had I been diagnosed when I was younger, I certainly would have chosen different types of friends, pursued different studies and career paths. I was never particularly ambitious, but I tried to live a very normal life. Not taking into account my differences. On that front life has often felt like I am going full speed until I run into an invisible wall that crushes my heart and soul.

I also do not want it to come across like I am miserable either. In truth I'm kind of aware I'm much happier and more content person than most people. I don't run the rat race at all. Life has been easy on me for the most part, and I seem to be a more naturally optimistic and cheerful than most.

I think pretty much everyone in life has limitations. No one can do or be everything. We may just have a bit more limitations than others. And I am certainly aware how many fewer limitations I have than so many others. In truth I cannot complain. I am even remarkably accepting of my limitations. I really am not bothered by much other than my eternal single status.

One extremely personal anxiety of mine is that deep down my parents want me to give up on the idea of ever being in a romantic relationship with someone. It is not that I am completely and utterly incapable of it. But I have dealt with a lot of heart ache and disappointment when it comes romance before. Really the only thing in my life that can cause me to go into a depressed spiral is my frustration over my lack of a love life. Everything else I handle quite well. I think it is just my parents wanting me to be happy and accept being single for the rest of my life. Lord knows I have tried; man have I tried that. But it always leads to a profound sense of nihilism that I just cannot accept. I rather put myself out there trying to get into a relationship and failing every single day than accept that I will be single forever. I can live with the first option. I do not seem to be able to live with the second option.

Again, thank you so much for your wonderfully kind response and welcome.

I was diagnosed at the age of 5 and a half. I didn't speak full sentences until I was 4. I was fully potty trained at the age of 3 and a half and I had a hard time getting along with my peers because they were a bunch of intolerant pricks.

Wow! They potty train early in England. My mum started training me at 2 and a half.

I have a similar problem but it's kinda different: Every time I find my tribe, so to speak, it gets snatched away from me by external forces. I'll discover a peer support program and make lots of friends there, and then a couple months later the program disappears because their main supporter stopped funding them (this happened to me in 2018, probably something to do with the recession). Or there was that time I started becoming real close friends with this girl who worked at the gym I went to. I really enjoyed her company and was thinking of asking her out, then the nanosecond I made that decision, her housing situation forced her to make an impromptu move to a completely different part of the state, and I never saw her again. It's like God doesn't want me to have a social circle or anyone who cares about me, because every single time I find a place where I feel like I belong, something completely random happens that ruins it. It makes me wonder if curses and hexes are real.

I can relate so much to what you wrote. I wasn't officially diagnosed until a year ago. I had signs of it all my life that teachers saw and neighbors. I saw a Psychiatrist starting at 13 but the Psychiatrist did not want to formally diagnose me because of the "stigma" with it. Loneliness is very difficult when you feel like you don't have others you can relate to. I think a peer support system is great to have whether it's online or in-person. I know it can be difficult to find in-person ones though depending on location. I know having a career with autism can be tough as well. I worked in the accounting field for 15 years but ended up having some mental health issues and had to stop.

When I hit 40 I figured there was no romantic future for me. And I was diagnosed two days before my 65th birthday.

But I was able to help her with some things which she liked.

And we married when we were 54!

By that point I was not looking for a bride and did not expect romance. I just looked for ways to make her happy.

That worked!

I don't think most people are meant to truly live as an autistic as it's fullest, outside being capable of the capitalistic societal aligned niches.
Most people want to have more human experience, not observe them.
Most people are not built to be outside whatever invisible dome most people tend to be, nor outside the socially aligned associations that's around their sense of survival and safety.


This is coming from someone who actually prefers to observe the human condition and experience than dealing one myself.
This is also why I don't relate to the entire post, but the point I'm making is that I'm not said most people.


The best I can tell you is that there will be more autistic will be able to relate to you about it.

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