Can't take this much longer...

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I don't know what i'm going to do. This depression is killing me slowly. Iv'e been thinking about being institutionalized lately for it. I just need to get away from people. Myself, I feel pretty neurotypical for the most part, But on the inside, somehwere I know what's wrong with myself in certain areas. I'm alone mainly, The group of people I hung around, I have a feeling they just don't want me there, and i feel like the black sheep around them, and It kills me. My family always picks on me for dumb s**t iv'e done in the past, and all my flaws. I didn't ask to be like this, and it kills me that I am, and that i'll have it for the rest of my life. Who's going to want to have a partner with an ASD? I don't know what i'm going to do when the time comes for true independency. I can't drive for s**t, and I get too nervous on the main roads. How am i supposed to live without getting to point A to point B? My life is a living hell, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to die sometimes. I just need to go somewhere. Somwhere where there isn't any pain, and everyone will accept me.

Anyone else feel this way?

I do and the sad thing is other aspies make me feel that way-you would think they would be more understanding

As for the transportation issue, have you considered in the future moving to somewhere with public transportation?

I've felt like that a lot recently (really, very very bad) but I feel better today. Thinking of going somewhere else always gives me hope. I think one thing about my kind of depression is that it's rooted in obsessiveness, I think in circles and will continue thinking in circles until forced to confront new things, and a new place provides a whole new set of things to think about. I don't know if that's true for you.

The depression/anxiety/etc. that usually come along with this neurological arrangement are most definitely horrible and debilitating, but I firmly believe that autism itself is not any more defective than any other neurological arrangement. Each has advantages and disadvantages. I think a lot more people than you might expect see it this way and would appreciate a partner with an ASD for who they are.

Yes, I've been there. I don't know what resources you have where you live. If you need to go to the hospital so be it. Depression sucks but it's treatable. There is very likely a community mental health clinic near you. Such clinics generally have case managers who can help you figure out stuff like jobs and housing.

Plenty of people with ASDs are married or otherwise paired up. There is hope.

Other Aspies you know in real life, or members of this site?

I just don't know guys. It tears me apart every waking moment. It's all i can think about "How am I going to live?" I'm 20 years old, and it's so hard to do what's expected as a young adult. Iv'e given up on any hope. It is what it is. Someone just doesn't want me to be happy ever in life. Iv'e accepted that fact. It's terrible thinking of what others are thinking of you.

Well you're 20, so your life isn't clearly defined yet, maybe that's why you feel like it's going nowhere! aside from the obvious (find the appropriate medication for your depression), you need to make plans.
That's the only way to hve hope for the future. Good news is: whatever your plans, you have your whole life ahead of you to make them come true!
I'm 33 and I'm about to start passing my driver's licence. I realised that later is better than never.
I have an partner, I have had partners before though, but at 20, although not a virgin, I thought everyone hated me and I'd never find anybody ever. High school is bad for your self esteem and don't think the effects pass in a few years. It takes a while for your self esteem to recover from that.
What is expected of you that you cannot do? If you have trouble coping, there must be a social worker you can turn to, although I'm not sure your country works this way, but there surely is help available.
Who is it that doesn't want you to be happy? What power do they have over you exactly? If this person is toxic to you don't you think letting them suck your energy this way is harmful? You should consider saying goodbye to that person if they are your enemy.
Stay strong and talk to your doctor about this. Make plans and make a list of things you want to accomplish, then write the needed steps, and set it in motion. You might feel like something is holding you back at first but slowly, some weight will be lifted off your shoulders as you approach your goal.
Don't give up on life at 20! So many things can still happen.....

I just don't know what i'm going to do. My parents just separated, which makes things worse. I just see myself living under a bridge, or on a street corner begging for change. Story of my life i guess.

Have you actually tried looking for help? You can't deal with severe depression and anxiety on your own. I know I can't. Feeling hopeless is one of the most terrifying aspects of depression. You need someone to show you options. You need help and support. It's hard to start looking for help but you need to try. Once you find someone you can talk to things might get better.

A start would be reading the advice we are providing, yes?

Yes, you are right, I am trying to make it work out as much as I can. I thank you all for your support, it truly means a lot to me. See, it comes in waves, and when those waves come, they hit me hard, I;m sure some of you understand what I mean.

I know very well. With medication and therapy my life is much better now. I still have a way to go. When I was younger I thought I could deal with all the pain myself, but only created more pain. Treatment is necessary and it does get better. It's good you're reaching out.

Yeah, I mean where else am I going to find a place with people such as myself? Although like I have stated before, I only have a touch of AS. I consider myself more NT than anything, because that's just how I present myself. There are little things that I mess up on once and awhile, but Iv'e been working through them. I don't have any problems with socializing/communication or conversation, and my eye contact is like any other NT persons. Usually the main thing is direction, I have to be shown visually what to do. And that's about it.

Ok, what do you like to do? Are there groups of people doing what you like to do? If I were younger, say around your age, even though I don't much like gaming (or think I don't) I'd go hang around a gaming shop because there are likely to be people like me. Loved it last time I went with an old friend. Aspies all over the place even if they're younger than I am. I'm an old fart, but I like being around younger people because they're more like me than people my age. So once everybody realizes I'm not a cougar or something I've had some really good conversations at coffee shops or book shops. If you're into computers there are computer clubs. I know it's scary to think of joining some group, but try it. If you do, I will. I'd like to find more friends too. I want to go to a spinners guild, but I'm nervous.

My nephew turnes 20 today. He still lives at home, hasn't ever learned to drive a car, doesn't know how to do laundry or even put a frozen pizza in the oven. He does nothing all day but sit in bed and play video games. His Dad does everything for him, so he's never had to learn to do anything. He's NT, and he's nice, but he just has no idea how to take care of himself or how he would survive if something happened to my BIL. He's never had a job, or had to do something like cut the grass or clean up the house for money. He was in GED classes but he dropped out for now. He has no idea of what he wants to do in live and is happy the way things are.

So, it's not just people on the spectrum who can be the same age as you and not know what they are doing in life or haven't started on theirs yet. Depression is horrible, I have it myself. The thing that I have to try and remind myself is that when I'm depressed, my thoughts aren't my real thoughts. They are thoughts that the depression is causing.

Frances

@ sylvia, there aren't any groups or clubs in my area. I have my main friends that i associate with, and i'm fine with that, for now. it's just that i think about my future a lot, and it scares me because I know a lot of people with an ASD can't make it on their own. That's really what my depression is about, How I am going to manage my life? I know that I am able to work, but I know i'll mess something up, and just get fired again, which is something I don't need right now at this point in my life. And I also refuse to have a "Poor autistic person's temporary job" assigned by a social worker. I'm a lot more NT than what i'm describing myself as, but as of now these are my main struggles. Iv'e driven before, actually Iv'e driven a few vehicles, but it was on country road, so there really wasn't anything to worry about. But I know that If I ever got on the main road (Which I have driven before and ended terribly) I'll just throw myself into panic mode and get into some horrible accident and end up killing myself in it.

I just don't know. I don't understand why my life has to be like this. Why all the difficulties?

I wish I wasn't a failure.