Dealing with Asperger's in a marriage

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I am new so, if there is already a thread on this, I opologize.

My husband has been diagnosed years ago, and I seem to show symptoms.

All in all we have a good marriage but some things annoy me to no end because it happenes over and over and being as these problems never seem to get solved, I get frustrated and agry making me look like the B____ while, I feel he is hard headed and does not acknowlege that this is something that brings me frustration, nor does he seem to care.

Ok, this is only one example but gets me very angry even though I know it is a small thing, really, I feel that we have discussed it in detail, so why do we have to go through it again.

He and I were married a year ago, in Dec. he has a labadore retreiver (shadow) that I love very much. He is a smart dog. I have a little chihuahua (Doodle).
I do not like dogs begging while I am eating. I always make a point of giving them a tidbit of what we have after we are finished eating, by putting it in their dog dish. I have asked Alan to not feed the dogs from the table because it makes them beggars. Shadow had been doing well with this and would (many times), go lay down without being told.

I have notice thart Shadow was getting harder to make go lay down while we are eating.

Not long ago, I walked into the dinning room to see Alan feeding shadow from the table.

I got angry because. I felt this gave our relationship a lack of trust, it isn't fair to Shadow to get mixed signals like that then get fussed at when he begs at the table because of it.

More times than I can count, I get so frustrated feeling that I have married a child instead of a man.

I am really laid back as a general rule, but feel that once we establish dislikes and boundries by calmly communicating, we should not have to get into a fight over it in a later date.

A few days ago, he fed shadow from the table right in front of me, like I was not even there. FRUSTRATING!

I said nothing. I just got up and went to the room and watched tv. If I was to throw the fit that I wanted to, I would be the B____.

Being as I might have Asperger's I remember my parents experiencing the same frustration towards me. It seemed I would forget. Then when they got angry the memory would come back and I would feel like, oh, yeah, How could I forget that. They would ask why I did something that I knew I shouldn't I waould tell them that I forgot and they would not believe me.

You think this is what is happening? Is he forgetting, or is this a possible power struggle or something.

Ok here is another example. (I am going to seem like a b_____ in this thread, but I need some advise on this before, I lose it.

I am not a morning person. Untill I get the cobwebs out of my head, I do not want to be messed with. I have told Alan this from the very beginning. I just want to get up, get my coffee, and wake up in peace and quiet.

Alan cannot tell you something without it being a loooong story with many dirrections till he gets to the point. My saying is untill I am awake (about an hour after I get up), I cannot handle having my ears talked off.

Anyway, just about every morning (before I even get my coffee), he always asks me if he can talk to me yet. I reply, not if you are going to talk my ears off, that the cobwebs in my head are not gone yet.

Then I feel like the B____ because he is being hardheaded. Why can't he just give me the space for that 1 hour w/o, me feeling like a B____ before I am even good and awake?

Is there something I can do differently, or explain it better.

He seems to understand and has even discussed it with me, telling me he understands and it isn't a problem, but every single morning...

Idk. i mean it sounds like he has a routine and won't change it. you may just have to live with it or somehow make your point. really can't give good advice. your situation is a tough one.

The thing with the dogs, I wouldn't call it a power struggle. i can't really speak for him since I don't know him, but I would say it's probably a combination of he forgets until you yell at him, and he doesn't think it's a big deal in the first place, which is why he doesn't remember. I do stuff like that all the time. I don't do it to be defiant or to have a power struggle. I just do what's comfortable to me. Also, if he's anything like my dad, he probably really loves those animals and wants to treat them like a member of the family. My mom and dad had the same problem with that, the exact same thing. My dad would always feed the dogs at the table, and my mom hated it. To be honest, I hated it too, because then I couldn't like make a sandwich and then run to the bathroom or anywhere. I couldn't leave a sandwich or anything on the table for more than about 10 seconds without the dog jumping up and stealing it. But at the same time I understand love for an animal and wanting to treat that animal like a member of the family.

As for wanting to talk to you in the morning, is he around the house all the time? Is he there by himself? Do you see each other all the time, or do you both(or does at least one of you) have a busy work schedule to where you don't really get to spend time together and talk? I'm sure he's not doing any of this to annoy you. Chances are he really loves you and misses you, and he just has a lot of bottled up things to say. Also, note that when you have aspergers, it can be particularly difficult to say certain things. Sometimes I don't feel like talking at all. Sometimes I just want to be mute. And then there are other times when I REALLY want to say something, but for whatever reason, I just can't really say anything. Like especially if something is bothering me, but I'm not totally sure if what I think is going on actually is, so I don't say anything, or sometimes I just can't find the right way to say something, so I sit and analyze it in my head forever, and then it never actually comes out. Maybe he has some stuff bottled up that he just wants to tell you as soon as he has a chance(which to him is once you wake up). It might help to actually talk to him about it.

I wouldn't call you a b***h for getting annoyed at some things your husband does, but is feeding the dogs and trying to talk to you in the morning really a deal breaker? You said yourself you have a good marriage overall, so I'm guessing he shows you that he appreciates you. If that's the case, I say just try to talk to him about these issues and make it as clear as possible that they bother you and why they bother you. Don't just start yelling at him, just talk calmly to him. It might help, and it might not. Honestly, you're never going to find two people who just don't annoy each other at all. If you have a good marriage, then keep it. Don't throw it away over a couple dumb little quirks. I bet you do things that annoy him too, probably just as much, if not more, but I'm guessing he's not one to be very confrontational, so he probably doesn't mention them.

this happends in my family too. mum thinks dad has AS n he's always feeding our dog(s) at the table.
Weve just given up.
Yes its distrespectful and un-mannerable but sometimes the goodwilled aspie just cant see it like that. You need to show him in a way he can related and understand.
He may be able to comprehend and understand but until he can actually relate your attemps at stopping him will always continue to be futile.

Thats all I can give. Pluss my mum still tries to get my dad to stop but my dad says something like "oh but the poor dog is starving, look at him" n mum ums n arrs n gives up n lets him feed the dog at the table >.<

haha ohwell i suppose AS males n their ways are set in stone.

I don't have a dog or a cat yet because I only recently moved somewhere that allows them but I look forward to being able to share my food with my new friend and seeing their adorable face begging for me to give them some. For some people it's a way of showing love for and bonding with their animal friend.

Your requests sound completely reasonable.

In alot of cases, some men are just like big children, whether Aspie or not. God bless them, but when do they grow up? I don't mean stop enjoying childish things, I mean being capable of putting the toilet paper roll onto the holder when it runs dry or putting their dirty socks in the hamper.

In any case.

It sounds like you have spoken A LOT about the dogs issue, and the morning routine issue. Maybe speaking is not the way to get through to an Aspie though. I know for myself, spoken words tend to roll around like butterflies, and at some point, they get all jumbled up and just fly away. This is where written notes and reminders and, yes, even visual pictures of things come in.

If it were me, I would make a little sign and put it on the kitchen table with a picture of the two dogs. and It would have words that said something like "We don't want to be table beggars! Please give us treats in our dog bowls!" and maybe something about how deeply it disturbs YOUR routine and your personal space with no dogs while you eat like "Mom needs her space when she eats" (I call myself the mom of my cat, so fill in the blank if that is not what you call yourself to the dogs). Alternatively, if you could put up a baby gate to block the kitchen when you eat, maybe the dogs having to stay in another room would assist him in getting over the temptation to feed from the table.

The morning talking thing sounds like a nightmare, I totally understand why it would drive you to NUTS each day. My dad does the same rambling storytelling where he never gets to the point, and between his starting a story and his actually getting to the point, my anxiety builds UP and I am just like "Oh god what are we even talking about because Ive forgotten".

IS there any way that you could A. Put in ear plugs when you get up, or ear plugs and then the big soft headphones and listen to music. For one thing, it would help you not hear him, and another, if he SEES you with all this stuff on your ears, it will help him remember that you are having Cobwebs of Dreams, and need your time in your head without talking.

Second, probably he gets excited to start talking to you because his brain is going really fast and he has alot of ideas and concerns and it gives him anxiety to keep those to himself. Would he be the sort of person that would be willing to write these on a piece of paper in a list when he gets up in the morning? That way, he could add to list for the hour or so while you are having your time. THEN, when you can talk, he can just reference the list and that way he wont feel like he forgot anything because he had to wait.

I'm no expert, I'm just relating to your frustrations and trying to think of things I Might try myself. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

I don't understand. If you love someone and you are happy with them, why worry over such mundane issues as feeding the dog or being talked to in the morning? For someone like me it is so hard to find a person to be with at all. I would be grateful to have what you have.

Here are two books I think you will find very helpful

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Your-Partn ... 19-0096844

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Resolve-Your-Di ... 19-0096844

They are quite short and practical so should only take you a hour or so each to read, they are very good.