Talking to NT's about Asperger's

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Hi all,

This is my first post here.

I've been reading about Asperger's recently and have come to believe that I may be affected by this. Much of what I have read sounds so painfully familiar it seems that this syndrome would help to explain much of the social difficulties i have experienced in my life.

What I wonder though, having come to this hypothesis, do people find it helpful in their relationships to let friends and colleages know that you feel you may suffer from a milder form of this syndrome?

Does it have a tendancy to foster an understanding and empathy or is it more likely to have the effect of creating further judgemental tendancies from the NT's in our lives?

Is it of benefit to a 34 year old man to seek a professional diagnosis if the symptoms seem present but not overly disabilitating in day to day life? I'm a work at home computer programmer and seem to function reasonably well in this capacity as long as I can stay interested in what I am working on. I also have a lovely girlfriend of 3 years now who seems to not even notice many of the social difficulties i have with many others.

just curious what others have found.

thanks.

Its really up to you to decide for yourself if you should tell people.

Generally the rule of thumb most of us use around here though is unless they need to know or would be mad at you later for not telling them theres no point in doing so.

It often times does more harm than good since its a condition most people cant comprehend.

I agree with Fraya, although sometimes I do wish I could explain to people (NTs, I guess) and that they would understand... People think I'm very intelligent and very naive and even downright slow at times, and if they understood why, perhaps I wouldn't feel quite as uncomfortable. Or maybe I'm deluding myself...

If you are experiencing only the socialization issues that are common to AS, you should know that those issues overlap with many other conditions. So just because you may be socially awkward, don't understand social cues, or don't make friends easily doesn't necessarily mean you have AS. AS is specifically a neurological condition that causes a person to think and percieve in a highly systematic way, and as result we have a mental predisposition which gives priority to things like ideas, concepts, systems, logic, rules, and objects rather than to people, relationships or emotions. It's because of this 'odd' prioritizing that we tend to have social issues - we're so consumed with thinking this way, from a very early age, that we lag behind our peers in developing socially. So even though there's a lot of talk about AS and its related socialization problems, in actually these problems are secondary to the "core" what AS is.

So like I said, AS is only one reason someone might be struggling socially. There's PDD-NOS (sometimes just called high functioning autism, or HFA) which is in on the autism spectrum but lacks the traits specific to AS. There's also a wide spectrum of ADHD-type disorders that can cause socialization problems. There's generalized social anxiety disorder, plus various other anxiety and depressive disorders that cause these problems as well, not to mention various personality disorders. Bipolar disorder and OCD fit the bill as well. So you need to be honest with yourself. If the primary traits of AS don't fit, you should look for a different cause for your socialization problems.



In most cases, no I don't think it's beneficial. And certainly not if you're absolutely certain you have AS. I tell my closest friends, but I avoid telling other people I have AS because I accept those people aren't willing to invest themselves enough in my relationship with them to understand what having AS is really about.

I don't adopt a pity-me attitude in those cases. I accept that other people will think whatever they what about me, and even if I tell them I have AS, it won't change how they think about me. This is why I don't bother discussing my AS with my family - to them, I'm just a loser, and they don't what to change their mindset. So I save my energy.



I would say, only in cases were there's genuine reciprocity and intimacy. Otherwise, people usually feel burdened by "too much information."

It's OK to withhold information from people who have no need to know it. I think what motivates a lot of people who have AS or think they do to go about telling everyone is they want pity more than understanding (even if in their own minds they think otherwise). And people normally respond very negatively to someone begging for pity. So my advice would be to exam your motivations and wants closely before opening your mouth.



If you feel the personal need to seek out a dx, then I think that's reason enough. Be aware that having an official dx won't get you any more pity, however. Also, a dx is not an excuse. If you find you are struggling in certain areas in your life, and are seeking someway to be less accountable for yourself in those areas, a dx is not the answer. If anything, a dx will add accountablity - you will have the professional opinion re: what's wrong with you, and so you'll know what you need to work on.

On the other hand, if you're sincerely wanting to work on your issues, but feel you don't know where to start because you don't understand what's wrong with you very well, seeking out a dx would be a good first step. Just keep an open mind to the process and what it reveals - I've watched via various AS forums when several people who've sought out a dx for AS, and were told they didn't have it, come back to the forum and have a tantrum because they didn't get the answer they wanted. I personally am not impressed by that - honestly, I think right now it's "vogue" to have AS and there's more people who want to have it than actually do.

My best friend called it "asparagus" youc an't get much worse than that, I don't need that s**t from her.

You probably don't have AS. A big sign is OCD and Edetic memory on subjects our obsessed with.

I have been DX with AS and I have a lot of memory problems,short and long term.I can remember concepts but not the details,like names and dates.I also dont have OCD.I like to do things the same way because it doesnt requir my doing new cognitive task...ie...I found something that worked and dont want to have to rework system.If I dont put things in a certain place,I may never find it again. I can be rigid in that regaurd,but that is not OCD.OCD is doing nonproductive things to relieve irrational anxiety.My obsessions are "interests" and my compulsions are to decrease anxiety caused by my memory and sensory issues.There is a lot of diversity in AS.In part because it has many co-morbids and can be influencced by (though not caused by)environment.

Hi there,

My best friend is Aspie and we have argued this point. When I found out the Asperger's (about 4 months after we met), I researched AS and continue to do so. I now correspond with several Aspies and read the message board in an attempt to have greater understanding.

I agree casual acquaintances do not need to know. I do believe anything more than a casual friend should know. My Aspie friend says "no, none of their business." I recently had the opportunity to meet another Aspie. He also does not disclose the AS to anyone except a close friend. Both feel that they have been "burned" by disclosure.

I really think not telling someone you are getting close to is a huge mistake. At some point in time, it will need to be disclosed to explain behavior that an NT is not use to. Disclosing when the NT is pissed off may be too late.

Just an NT opinion.
SheDevil

I've had a wierd experience trying to tell my family. They started out saying... "Hmmm.... That does sound like you..." to "Wow... that's uncanny, I don't really want to read anymore, but it sounds exactly like you..." to "Don't linger on it, for all I know, I could have it too..." LOL now I have like 4 members of my family saying "me too".... That just frustrates me enough never to tell anyone again...lol I know there are trying to be nice, but now they won't admit I have it anymore... They went from stone cold adament to trying to play it off....lol

I really don't see why anyone would want to have this... I mean, yes, having a good memory and focusing skills could be seen as a plus, but to me it's equally a curse. For instance, at this very moment, my apartment neibor is playing music that I can hear through the wall. It's VERY soft by normal people standards(I've brought maybe 5-6 people to listen to it and they either can't hear it or say I'm imagining it) but it drives me so far up the wall I wanna die...lol I get so focused in on it until it is the only thing I can hear... I miss so much sleep and there is nothing I can do about it because the neibor is supposedly being "reasonable" with the volume.... Yea... focusing skills are wonderfull >.<

I've never had a diagnosis and probably never will. I don't think I really want a definite yes. I would be interested in seeing my brain in one of those imagining scans(I hear Aspie brains look "different")... Being that a "different" looking brain could be *any* disorder I can live with seeing it. They more I read about Aspie'isms the more it freaks me out... lol From the bizarre muscle flexiblity to the oversized skull... I had physical therapy when I was little because I was very uncoordiated, I couldn't catch myself if I fell over for instance.... little stuff like that... it just amazes me how many details there are to define Aspergers....

If, before we come into existince, we could decide what we could be like, I can imagine that I wouldn't want to have AS. But strangely, I don't want to lose it either. It's what makes me me, and if it went away it'd be like shaving the mane off a lion. Hands up if you don't want to lose AS! *puts hand up*

That would make an interesting poll topic KBABZ.

If you have autism and there was a cure for it would you take it? (Yes/No)

If you feel there is someone you need to tell, be prepared for the "what the Hell is that?" response. And think about how you want to answer. I personally still find it an uncomfortable subject to TALK about but that's probably because I've never liked verbal introspection.

I'll see what I can do on that

In reference to your sig, I've always seen the glass as half empty, but that's only because I drank the bit that's missing! It's probably a nice glass of Fanta too... yum!

EDIT: Wait, do you mean before existince as I mentioned before or right this moment?

Everyone has social difficulties from time to time, regardless of whether they are an NT or not. It is possible, however, that you do have AS if you share some of its symptoms. Perhaps by participating in this community or gathering more information about Asperger's, or better yet, getting checked by a doctor for a diagnosis, you will be able to know whether you have it or not. Whatever the case may be, I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Hi
I felt a like a big weight lifted off my shoulders when I found out I had Aspergers.
A few months ago I told my husband. We've known each other for 25 years and so knows how I am, more or less. But I had to tell him, at the risk of him using it against me later in a disagreement, as he was getting into some things of mine that are suppose to be off limits.
I told my mom just a few weeks ago.
As for others, like at work, I don't tell them because they wouldn't understand.
However, when I am given instructions and there are several parts or whoever tells me the instructions tells them to me in a rambling way, I either write it down or cut out all the crap words and repeat back the basics.
I bite my lip when I feel like butting into conversations.
I try not to say things that might be construed as lacking tact.
I try not to let things get under my skin.
But: I don't make excuses for who I am or my opinions or how I think. Only at work I tone myself down .

Flagg,

I don't know..... Lately, my memory has become closer to "Eidetic" again. MAN, have I remembered a LOT. I have gone over my LIFE for a week or so, and emembered that I DID have a memory VERY close to eidetic up until about 11. Still, who is to say what Eidetic memory is? Some dclare it is something less than an overview, and some claim it is the ability to see things even at the lowest level of detail.

Still, I could ALWAYS recall movies, certain events, certain hobies, etc... With detail that might make someone BELIEVE it was eidetic. Alas, even the movies don't allow me to see things like the number someone dialed on a phone.

Steve