Disciplinary Action of Chidren with Autism or Aspergers

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Should parents punish their kids because of certain traits they have or is there a better way to deal with children with Autism and Aspergers?

Do you think that Autistic children become more resentful toward parents who try to force them out of their routine or comfort zone?


I'm thinking that an Autistic child needs to be approach in a different way other than whipping or punishing them in some way. Frankly I find punishment disturbing under the circumstance and the parents need to be more educated on how to handle their child, showing them support and working with them in a positive way rather than punishing them.

I have to say when I was little and was diagnosed my parents was very supportive and they never punished me even though my mom was thinking about having me committed and decided not to. Back then I was really out of control which is the reason why I didn't start school until a year later.

What does everyone think?

I think it's about balance. I want my son to learn how to interact better and more often, but I'm not willing to force it on him. Instead I try to find ways to make him want to do different things. I'll never stop him form stimming, but if it's been going on awhile I'll try to distract him with other things he enjoys. I try to be as unobtrusive as possible while still always encouraging him to try new approaches to things. I don't believe in punishment, he wouldn't even understand it, and he's never misbehaving intentionally. Luckily he doesn't have any behaviours that I think are so awful they need to be corrected. I don't know how I would approach the situation if he were aggressive because I've never had to deal with it.
I think always being positive with him and using redirection instead of punishment is ideal. I do think punishment would just bring resentment, and I can't help him if he doesn't trust me or if we get into power struggles. He didn't chose to have problems and I don't think he should be treated as though he did. He is struggling more than we are and he needs support and encouragement. I don't want him to grow up feeling that he needs to be fixed or that something is wrong with him. Sometimes I think the reason so many people with Autism have low self esteem is because parents go all out spending every minute of the day trying to "fix" them. They think they're helping, but to me it's like telling him he isn't good enough the way he is.

Those on the spectrum certainly need a different kind of nurturing to reach our full potential.

We need to push past our comfort zones on a regular basis, but I know I do better when I do this from a position of strength. The key thing our youngsters need to learn is how to do this for themselves, and not just because they were pushed into it by an authority figure. They also need role models to help illuminate the way.

imho: there also needs to be some recognition on the part of society that we mature on a different schedule. I suspect this is partially because we must cognitively learn skills for independent living, and learning those could help speed the process, but, from what I've seen and experienced, there is more to it. It is my belief that childhood services should last at least until age 35. I would even go so far to say keep them in school, feeding potentially productive special interests and skills, until then

Also, even as social skills are being cognitively studied, special interests and advanced skills need to be fed to the max, both starting at the beginning. I have no doubt that if this is done, the world will be a much better place and not just for those on the spectrum.

as for the various traits that NTs find so offensive, it is better to study and decode and work with/around them than punish. I've never known punishment to be a solution to any of my Aspie issues. Many have their roots in anxiety -- well what is at the root of that anxiety? Punishment has never reduced anxiety, it only makes it worse.

_________________
If it don't come easy . . . .
. . . .hack it until it works right

Aspie score: 142/200 NT score: 64/200
AQ Score: 42
BAP: 109 aloof, 94 rigid and 85 pragmatic

Interesting post.

I don't have a diagnosis, and don't yet know if I have autism, but I'd like to talk about my experiences a bit here if that's ok.

I do think that how unusual (not the normal behaviours) are handled by parents can make a big difference to children

I also think how children are trained / encouraged to navigate the adult world can make a big differene too.

I don't think a child should be punished for having non-normal traits, in fact I find the idea of this rather abhorent.

My parents were very tolerant and unconcerned by some of my more unsual behaviours. Those that were anti-social, they explained why they were anti-social, and, advised me to stop - I ate really quickly, for example, and it looked very strange. Ones that were just a bit strange they let me get on with.

I happily played for hours and hours on my own - they didn't disturb me.

At around age 4-6 I had a thing about listening to opera and classial music ALL the time, they found an old radio and showed me how to tune it to the classical music station and let me listen to it for hours. They also put records on the record player for me and then left me in my own world.

I was much more into cars more than dolls (unusual for a girl of my age) - so they bought me more cars and my Mum made me a playmat.

As a small child I like to be under things- my mum put blankets over the kitchen table so I could sit there in the dark happily with the dog while she got on with housework

I didn't really want to be a girly girl and neither did my Mum, so she didn't make me be girly at all.

They trained me how to navigate the adult world from a young age, shop, cook, clean, wash, ask directions, use public transport etc so by the time I was adult I'd had much practice..

They were both trained actors and taught me about body languge and voice projection (and other non-verbal cues) from a young age.

When they told me not to do something they ALWAYS gave me a reason why not and didn't mind that I always wanted to know WHY I must do something.

They did their best to answer all my questions and I had LOTS; they agreed that the world was sometimes unfair or did not make sense, but explained that some rules had to be followed, and why, in a logical way.

They never told me I was strange or odd - just me - and they loved me whatever I did.

The one thing they couldn't explain to me was how to get on with my peers better - that would have been very helpful- but other than this, looking back they were pretty great in lots of ways.

I often wonder IF I am mildly autistic, because my parents both actively trained me how to manage in the world, and because they were very tolerant of some of my stranger behaviours and didn't ever punish me excessively, this is why I now currently navigate standard day to day living pretty well.

Wow, whipping is really extreme, that's more than just punishment, that's child abuse. Poor kid. I would think punishment as extreme as this will just make her behaviours worse.

If they're whipping their kid, someone needs to call Child Protective Services. That's physical abuse, and it's illegal.

I've been punished a lot during my childhood and in almost every way imaginable incl. physical violence and can tell it simply makes no sense and was not suitable to influence me.

Recommended for parents of autistic children, The Way I See It, Revised and Expanded 2nd Edition by Temple Grandin. She dedicates a whole chapter on how to determine whether misbehavior of a child is caused by a meltdown, in which case punishment simply doesn't make sense.

From my personal perspective, i can say that all the beating my father has given me only led to me becoming completely indifferent toward him. So what's the meaning and purpose of physical abuse? If it were today i hope he would end up in jail and get beaten up by some other prisoners.

If you see that the abuse continues I agree that you should call child services. No child deserves that kind of torture. It is likely that they will continue even after you spoke with them. I sure hope that child won't be traumatized.

At school, I mostly played with boys when I was little and was made to stand against "the wall" in 2nd grade because my behavior wasn't "ladylike." I learned early how to put on my mask and fake it. The NT's are very good at isolating those who are different. I'm an extrovert so isolation was unacceptable to me. Because I was an above average athlete and could sing and write well, I got through but not without several scars.

I remember desperately wanting to be able to fit into the normal banter and activity of my peers, but I never got the hang of it and was very fearful of the backlash should I mess up. I was interesting to anyone new, but after a season they would tire of me, or get fed up, or suffer their last offense. I'm still not sure about a lot of things because people don't tell you anything. They expect you to just know.

At home, things were much better because my mother had so many kids I could pretty much do as I pleased as long as I kept it under her radar. She used disapproval like a knife and could pierce my heart at 30 paces, but she was also very good at outlining was was expected of me - and she never discouraged my endless questions. I was one of the older girls and was expected to help out so I learned a lot about caring for small children at an early age. My first job was to distract my baby sisters with silly songs and prat falls - social stuff. By the time my youngest brothers showed up, I was changing diapers and feeding the entire crew.

My father was into recycling before it was a big deal and brought home all kinds of crazy things for us to recreate into something new. He was also somewhat of an inventor. My parents were big on providing cool learning resources - and he built us a pool.

I learned a lot of behaviors at church, which was all good. Sunday School lessons were about love and morality. Acceptable behavior was clearly outlined and reinforced with some kind of fun activity. I had the best Sunday School teachers and all my lessons were taught with love. My mother was a Sunday School Teacher.

My grand-nephew is autistic. His behavior is distinctly different and as far as I can tell, he doesn't think it's terribly important to be a part of what's going on. He's very self-centered, however, I'm not sure it's by choice. Also, I couldn't truly say how much he was aware of.

At the last family gathering, niece's family attended. This alone is unusual but very welcome. It was a semi-quiet, relaxed afternoon in a home, both indoors and out, and nephew could do no wrong in the sight of his adoring aunties. He only had one major meltdown over something he broke (that was already broken) and couldn't be fixed. He was devastated which was hard to watch. In our family, things don't matter as much as people. No one could care less that he'd broken the thing.

His demeanor at this gathering was mostly aloof. If I didn't know better, at first glance I'd guess he was high, or ret*d. I watched him some, but it was kind of hard. I almost felt like I was intruding if I looked at him too long, which is normal for me, but with him the feeling was worse. I made sure not to stare, and I asked my niece about a few things. She also needed to explain everything, like most proud mommies except her subject matter was often about autism. All in all, it was a very natural, family day.

Generally, I get the impression that niece is very up-to-date on the latest parenting theories though she has her up-tight moments - that I totally get because I was a mom once. The one thing I hated that she did was grab her son's head on both sides and force him to focus on someone so he could tell them thank you.

Aaaarrrgh! Everyone knows it was uncomfortable for the boy but I wonder if she ever considers how uncomfortable this is for the recipient. I felt so ashamed to look into his forced eyes and felt like I was being forced to do so. It was horrible. Smile and move on...

He did make an attempt to appease the NT's with the pinata. He walked around it with the stick and every now and then hit it twice like it was a drum. This went on for about 2 minutes then he ran into the house, closed the sliding glass door and cheered on his younger brother, who bashed the thing into oblivion. Him cheering was the only obvious voluntary interaction I saw all day.

The thing is, punishment (which should not be physical - there are plenty of ways to punish a child that don't involve physical pain) is just one tool. It works in some cases, it doesn't work in others. Unfortunately, some people seem to think punishment has magical powers and can cure any behavioral issue. It can't. It can be effective for some things, but it utterly fails for other things. Some kids don't respond to punishment at all, and even the majority who do will not respond to punishment for every undesired behavior.

Three big reasons that punishment can fail:

a) the kid doesn't find punishment unpleasant - This is mostly true for psychopathic kids, who don't feel fear, but can also happen with specific punishments because what one kid finds unpleasant another kid may enjoy. For example, time out often fails as a punishment for autistic kids because if the behavior results from overload, the kid will like being taken into a quiet room to be alone. (Time out can work as an intervention for overload, however, if you frame it as something the child does when he/she needs it rather than as a punishment.)

b) the kid can't control the behavior - For example, punishment is pointless for tics. Even some stims aren't completely controllable, because the kid will start doing them without realizing it. Meltdowns, also, are usually not something the kid can control, and therefore punishment fails.

c) the behavior serves a purpose that is worth punishment to fulfill - behavior is never purposeless. Sometimes, when punished, the kid decides to fulfill that purpose some other way that isn't going to be punished. OPther times, all the ways the kid can think of to fulfill that purpose are being punished, and the kid has to decide between putting up with the punishment or not fulfilling some need of theirs. Which they chose depends on the strength of the need and the severity of the punishment.

d) punishment has side effects - It can cause the child to fear and/or dislike you, and depending on the personality of the child and the kind of punishment, it can cause more problems than it solves. It's especially problematic when you try to punish a behavior that was caused by your use of punishment in the first place. For example, if your punishment scares the child, punishing this fear is obviously counterproductive.