How NT's See It

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Joined: 16 Oct 2011
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04 Oct 2012, 12:19 pm

I am in the spectrum and I have a gf, we have problems off and on, like everyone else, but lately she seems to have a very short fuse for me. It got so bad recently I was thinking of just grabbing a backpack and fleeing. Although friends here helped me think of a better way to work on this and even leave when I can if i have to.

I found this list of things that bother NT's in aspie relationships in an article and I wonder if it is true.

Quote:

Feeling overly responsible for their partner.
Failure to have their own needs met by the relationship.
Lack of emotional support from family members and friends who do not fully understand or appreciate the extra strains placed on a relationship by Asperger syndrome.
A sense of isolation, because the challenges of their relationship are unique and not easily understood by others.
Frustrations, since problems in the relationship do not seem to improve despite great efforts.
Doubting the integrity of the relationship, or frequently wondering about whether or not to end the relationship.
Difficulties in accepting that their partner will not ‘recover’ from Asperger syndrome.
After accepting that their partner’s Asperger syndrome cannot be ‘cured’, partners can often experience emotions such as guilt, despair and disappointment.

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv ... and_adults

I am pretty sure that " Frustrations, since problems in the relationship do not seem to improve despite great efforts." and " Doubting the integrity of the relationship, or frequently wondering about whether or not to end the relationship." Are a big part of our problem.

I am not sure if this should go here on in relationships, but my questions are not solely for the relationship arena. I guess I want to be able to UNDERSTAND the other side of the coin. The one that gets upset when we miss cues, when we say things that sound unlike what we mean them to be, and when we seem to be stuck in a loop of failure to them.

gretchyn
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04 Oct 2012, 12:28 pm

I'm pretty sure my husband feels most of those (I'm the suspected AS partner)...luckily we love each other and are persevering despite the problems. Much of the change has to come from me, because he is already tolerating so much that it would be unfair to place so much burden on him. So, I see a therapist as often as she can fit me in, and I take loads of meds to deal with the auxiliary issue of bipolar II. It's worth it to me to stay in this relationship.

My point is, if you love each other, you'll stick with it. But both sides need to adjust. It might be more difficult for the AS partner because it's hardwired, but who are we to say it's not just as hard for the NT partner?

jonny23
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04 Oct 2012, 12:30 pm

The problem with lists like that is they don't take into account that everyone is different. What your relationship problems are are unique to you. Also I don't see anything on that list that couldn't be said of a "standard" relationship but it seems to imply they are specific to aspie/nt relationships. I don't see that anything in the list is overly relevant to my marriage but it could be to someone elses.

jonny23
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04 Oct 2012, 12:35 pm

I can't quite put my finger on it but I find myself offended by that list. Perhaps it's just because it's taken out of context but it fails to see the view from both sides.

Mirror21
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04 Oct 2012, 12:35 pm

I have to point out, also, that I am a girl as well, and thus she compares us I think, even if she does not mean to. Why can she have common sense and not I? I am a woman, not a man and I should just have more of it. I have heard her say.

She will not listen about ASD, at all. I can understand she is tired of being so supportive. I have seen a few doctors, none of them have helped.

gretchyn
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04 Oct 2012, 12:37 pm

jonny23 wrote:

I can't quite put my finger on it but I find myself offended by that list. Perhaps it's just because it's taken out of context but it fails to see the view from both sides.

It's not meant to see the situation from both sides, just as descriptions of AS issues aren't either. The literature on AS is meant to give a NT person a glimpse into the mind of an AS person, just as this list gives an AS person a glimpse into the mind of a NT person. It's meant to validate some of the feelings that NT spouses of AS partners are having, and let the AS spouse know that the NT person is also having problems.

Though I do agree that most of the items can pertain to a NT-NT relationship, or an AS-AS relationship as well.

jonny23
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04 Oct 2012, 12:41 pm

What is she supporting that she's getting tired of?

jonny23
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04 Oct 2012, 12:42 pm

gretchyn wrote:

jonny23 wrote:

I can't quite put my finger on it but I find myself offended by that list. Perhaps it's just because it's taken out of context but it fails to see the view from both sides.

Yea, I thought I might be over reacting.

gretchyn
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04 Oct 2012, 12:44 pm

jonny23 wrote:

gretchyn wrote:

jonny23 wrote:

I can't quite put my finger on it but I find myself offended by that list. Perhaps it's just because it's taken out of context but it fails to see the view from both sides.

Yea, I thought I might be over reacting.

It's easy to overreact when it seems that most of the world overlooks/misinterprets/confuses you. Trust me, I know! :tongue:

gretchyn
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04 Oct 2012, 12:47 pm

Mirror21 wrote:

She will not listen about ASD, at all.

That's a problem. If she won't even listen to you about your disability, that's a red flag. A caring partner should always listen.

Mirror21
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04 Oct 2012, 12:48 pm

jonny23 wrote:

What is she supporting that she's getting tired of?

I do not understand the question?

jonny23
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04 Oct 2012, 12:49 pm

Mirror21 wrote:

jonny23 wrote:

What is she supporting that she's getting tired of?

I do not understand the question?

You said "I can understand she is tired of being so supportive." and I didn't understand just what you meant.

EDIT: Perhaps I am the wrong person to give advice :oops:

SickInDaHead
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04 Oct 2012, 2:03 pm

This post makes me wonder if I am sleep-posting under a different handle.

Callista
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04 Oct 2012, 2:31 pm

jonny23 wrote:

I can't quite put my finger on it but I find myself offended by that list. Perhaps it's just because it's taken out of context but it fails to see the view from both sides.

I agree with you there. It's like they make the basic assumptions that: 1. If something is wrong in an AS/NT relationship, it must be due to the Asperger's; 2. The AS partner does not suffer due to these problems, but the NT partner always does; 3. These problems are not solvable except by changing the AS partner's behavior.

Those are all three untrue, of course.

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Mirror21
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05 Oct 2012, 1:46 am

I can see how they can be marked as untrue. The list really made me feel like the NT partner suffers more than the as partner, although I did not think too strongly about it before.

onks
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05 Oct 2012, 12:45 pm

jonny23 wrote:

Mirror21 wrote:

jonny23 wrote:

What is she supporting that she's getting tired of?

I do not understand the question?

You said "I can understand she is tired of being so supportive." and I didn't understand just what you meant.

EDIT: Perhaps I am the wrong person to give advice :oops:

I think this is an important question.

Aspies are not always realistic and think they are a burden to anyone.
To be more concrete and rational is the way to go.
Although I am 100% sure this feellings do not just arise from nowhere.
It is just difficult to name the things.

Mirror21 wrote:

That is a really big problem. Not accepting to talk about ASD and at the other end asking to behave more normally.
That is really frustrating...

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