Funerals - Whether or Not to Go

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My grandmother passed away a few days ago. She was in her 90's and had been ill for some time.

I loved her very much and will miss her. I am sad to know she's gone and I am working through the complex emotions I'm feeling inside.

Her funeral is later this week and I'm torn as to whether or not to go. She's my grandma, but I hate funerals because of the vivid sad / upsetting memories I'm left with (I'm a visual thinker with a strong "video-playback" kind of memory) and I just don't want the funeral to be the last memory I have of someone I love (even if the visitation is closed casket - open casket is even worse). I want to remember them how they were when they were alive.

Would I be a bad person if I don't go to her funeral?

That's something you have to answer yourself. My grandma was probably the person I was the most closest to in the world and while she was 85 when she passed it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt obligated to go to the funeral, I felt like it gave me a lot of closure and allowed me to move on. I still think about her and miss her every day, its something that can move me to tears very easily. It would of killed me later if I hadn't went. I feel bad about every funeral I miss, I just feel obligated to go to them.

I just returned from the funeral of my godmother ...

I do understand what your problem is, but that doesn't excuse you from not going. You're paying respect to a deceased person that is very dear to you ... they deserve it.

I hope you have the courage to tackle your own problems head-on ... and like Jacoby says: you will feel bad about missing a funeral!

My condoleances by the way ...

It's a tough call if you don't know how those involved are likely to feel. I'd probably err on the safe side and go. Most people seem to appreciate that kind of gesture. I never like seeing somebody I knew in a box, but I don't look much - though maybe some cultures have formats that make it hard to avoid. I never saw an open casket, and even if they had one, I'm not sure I'd notice. I don't think I owe anything to the departed one on a personal level, i.e. between me and them, because I'm secular, but the ones left behind are still alive and have feelings, and it's nice if a lot of people can turn up, they can take a bit of comfort from seeing that so many people thought it was important. It's a nonverbal way of saying "I cared about her too."

Last funeral I went to was a musician friend, and I managed to relate to that one. I saw the coffin at the front, but his music buddy (who was addressing us) took the gloom out of me with his opening remark - "I think this is the first time he's ever been on time for a gig."

I hate funerals as well, but I've been to three in the last year and I go to add support to the family of the deceased, not out of any obligation to the deceased person. I hate the small talk at funerals and count the minutes till it's over and I can leave. But the benefit of going is that family members appreciate you being there and generally make a point of thanking you and catching up with you later after the funeral. If you are close to the deceased and you don't go to the funeral, you become a talking point with the other family members at the funeral and it usually doesn't go down well.

Those feelings are quite normal. Your reason to not know whether you want to go or not is due to strong emotions because of your grandmother's sad death, and if you told your other relatives how you feel, they will understand. I find funerals hard too. When my grandfather died a couple of years ago, I broke down. When I saw my dad, his siblings, and my grandmother come in and sit down in front of us, I wanted to cry even more. I did take a deep breath and tried to stay strong, then when we went out to look at all the flowers, I started crying again. I couldn't help it.

But talk to somebody about how you feel. They won't think you're being cold-hearted. They are probably feeling the same way as you. Nobody likes funerals, and if it's a close relative it is very hard to get through.

I've literally gone to more funerals than I can count. I've cried at some, just been very sad at others. Its OK to be emotional at a funeral. People are very understanding, so long as you don't laugh or do something inappropriate.

Egghead: you have to go, period.

I hate funerals; I find them to be TORTURE.

But you have to go.

I don't know...maybe you could talk to somebody about an alternative--maybe write some kind of eulogy, then not go to the funeral itself.

Honestly, I wouldn't go, except if I felt personally obligated to go. Funerals are really a ritualistic sort of thing when you think about it, and depending on your personal belief system, either they will be really important, or they won't be important at all. I don't see the point of them myself, and I actually don't want to have a funeral. I'm OK with people mourning my demise in their own homes when I pass, but I don't want to make a big fuss about it. Living things die, and I'm just another living thing.

So, you have to ask yourself, is going to your grandmother's funeral worth the suffering you'd feel? You may face disapproval from other people if you decide not to go, but it's not like you're morally obligated to, in my opinion. The last time I attended a funeral was over 10 years ago, and a number of people I've known in my life have died between then and now.

Death is a tragic thing, but it's something that happens to all of us eventually. instead of thinking about your grandmother's death, think about the life she lead, and all the things that made her a good person.

It's really up to you; go, or don't go.

I know my opinion on the matter will likely be unpopular, but the fact remains that as a non-religious person, I just don't attend funerals, nor do I expect to have a funeral for myself. I've been dragged to a few weddings, but they're so overly glamorized and stuff that people don't understand why I wouldn't want to attend them. They're just like really lame parties, if you ask me.