tell me your autism story

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tell me your autism story explain what its like having autism

Here it is...

My Diagnosis Story

As for the part about what it feels like being autistic - I can't really describe it - it's what I've always known. For a long time I thought the world was just stupid and ridiculous and that most people were liars but later I saw how it's me who is out of step and not everyone takes every word people say literally. Apart from that I don't really have the perspective to see the overall picture.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 6 going into first grade because my teacher noticed that I act a lot like her son with Asperger's (who I later became friends with), I was sort of in denial though. I have of course always felt different and I've always been the weird kid in the corner who doesn't really socialize. I had my diagnosis to explain why I felt different, but I refused to believe that it was a big deal, that I was any less capable then anyone else, or that I was really that different. I was picked on for acting strange, although I didn't have it as bad as a lot of people here.

I have had some special ed classes for teaching social skills for obvious reasons and I have had some to give me more time to do work too because I have ADD too. It was hard for me because I was desperately trying to fit in and convince myself that convince myself that I was not disabled or that different.

I am not learning disabled at all, in fact my long term memory is significantly better then that of most people (I wish the same could be said for my short term memory). I could easily go through and learn a ton of material about as fast as it could be presented to me, but alas in order for people to care that I have learned it and grade me accordingly I have to do countless worksheets which basically ask the same stuff over and over and waste my time, and in addition the work load makes me very stressed. In my case at least they are pointless yet necessary for me to get a good grade that that annoyed me to no end. I always did well on tests though because I see the point of those so I invest the rather large amount of mental energy necessary to focus on it (which is hard because of my ADD). I have always hated the school system with a passion because of this type of thing, I am a round peg being forced through an already defective and dysfunctional square hole.

A few months ago I started looking into autism more and it became a bit of an obsession. Because of that I have been coming out of denial and learning more about it, which has been helpful. Accepting the fact that I'm disabled wasn't easy, but my life is making more sense now. This is what brought me to Wrong Planet, it has been quite interesting and rather hard at times but definitely helpful and worth while.

I always felt, in the back of my mind, that I was different from most everyone else. I saw a psychiatrist around the age of 8, but she was an idiot and didn't know what was off about me, giving the label "generalized anxiety". Fast forward more than 10 years, and you find a depressed and troubled young man. At one point, I felt suicidal, and knew I needed to get help. After going through several other unqualified mental health workers, I was diagnosed at age 18 by a psychiatrist who prescribed me medications that work well for me. That was a really rough time in my life, and it was horrible being unaware of what I was facing. I'm glad knowing now that I'm on the autism spectrum, as it gives me inner peace.

Well as a toddler I was pretty happy being alone but I still craved interaction but was unable to approach others. I was very attached to certain objects and had very restricted routines, my development was delayed in fine and gross motor skills and in toilet training. I stimmed by throwing myself on the floor at random -happy or sad- I was very sensitive to sound and cried and screamed when I heard loud noises. I would stack things repetitively and routinely

School years were just fine, I had only one friend and she was all I needed, I started stimming by bashing my head on the wall and falling to the ground which upset my parents. I had obsessions with toys and subjects like the supernatural and titanic.

Puberty was hell, I developed severe anxiety at 12 and it caused horrible heartburn and stomach issues. My behaviour became more apparently strange and I started acting less and less like my peers which caused alarm for my parents, family and teachers. It also brought attention to classmates who began to tease me. I did manage to gain a group of friends through special interest at age 12, September 25th 2009. In mid summer I had a huge meltdown which resulted in me getting arrested and sent to a hospital where I was evaluated and by March 2012 I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome,

When I was 15 I lost all my friends and became very withdrawn and depressed, my mental state became very sensitive and dropped out of school for the first time, my meltdowns became less but the meltdowns I did have were large and sometimes dangerous.

I am now 19, I still have a hard time approaching people, still obsessed with sonic and still plug my ears at the cinema but I am living on my own with only minimal assistance and hope to get a job in the upcoming month.

My autism is somewhat more pronounced.
I was nonverbal and did not respond all that well until I was around 8 years old.
I don't have much memory of those years. More a matter of what I have been told.
I guess it's like I was a small child up until then. Like 2 or 3 years old.
Who remembers being that little or how they felt about their inabilities?
It was just what it was and I did not question it I suppose.
I have a cousin my age and we have been raised together.
Somewhere between 8 and 10 I came to realize the developmental differences between us.

By 10 years old I started realizing that I had a lot of impairments.
I was been in a private special ed school and started noticing the behavior of the other kids with autism.
Started becoming a lot more aware of my autism and what it meant.

For me autism is like a lot of mental roadblocks.
And an inability or difficulty to control a lot of things that come as second nature for someone without autism.
I also have learning disabilities and pretty bad dyspraxia.
For me everyday life and everyday situations can be extremely difficult.
I get overwhelmed easily.

Because of a virus, I was dying in the womb. As a toddler I was mildly developmentally delayed in most areas...My lack of social skills were noticed more after my unintelligible speech started to be understood. Severe dyspraxia makes learning and speech more complex for me.

I'll have to write a book to tell you that.

Hearing "autistic", but always around NTs, feeling other, always, no diagnosis, but putting words on it now I've come to some understanding.

It's being calm and logical about intellectual and factual knowledge, hyperfocused even and well learning that kind of knowledge. It's being cool at home, in a familiar environment. Fulfilled and not lonely in that area.

Because... it's always been trying to connect and not understanding why mostly unable to. It's trying to make sense why others have the kind of relationships they have. It's trying to find and give meaning to why I am like that. It's deep and painful emotions knowing that anyway there won't be real connections, that I understand now.

It's better off alone and it's yearning for true deep and longlife connections. It's in between trying and giving up. It's too strong to be told. It's probably barely understood written. It's too much fear, and too much love, that are unexpressed, lost, and destructive.

I'm still here though.

Thank you. It feels good that you relate, for me but also happy for you if you can find an anchor of any sort into that.

Hi there my name is Ronald Brandt.

I’m an autistic male who is 58 years old. I do not have official diagnoses as yet though I am working on that.

I would say that under the old DSM4 I would likely have been diagnosed with PDD/NOS. I struggled all my life with poor short term memory as well as poor working memory & executive function as a result of poor working memory. I never really felt comfortable in groups of people or even one on one conversation unless it is a favorite topic of mine, even though I do try at it. I lost interest in playing games largely because I almost always lost when I did play & people that I was playing with almost always wanted to change the rules to suit themselves not that really felt comfortable anyway.

I have or have had a host of developemental delays such as strabismus, bed wetting, bowel control issues under even mild stress, slow processing speed,never really knowing what to say in many situations or how to demonstrate empathy towards others even though I feel empathetic to others situation I just don’t know how to best display as I don’t want to make things any worse by accidently saying something in the wrong way so often I end up saying nothing & not because I don’t want to. This many times is also the wrong thing to do but if I can’t think of something to say I lock up & literally can’t speak. I also suffer with relatively poor coordination & poor fine motor control. My penmanship is poor & typing very slow indeed compared to normal. I can not do anything really fast at all. It took me more than an hour to write this short piece a while ago.

I have trouble remembering people’s names & sometimes even faces if I were to see them in an unfamiliar situation. My girl friend even with hydrocephalus does better than me at these things. It is not that I am dumb as I do have some areas where I’m very strong in.

I have a very strong mechanical comprehension with good spacial perception at least in the various tests I have taken. My IQ test that I took in my 20’s showed an IQ of 89 but the person running the test said that if she disregarded the low scores I would have scored 140. Some of the tests that I failed at were tests that any autistic person would have failed & I failed at them miserably. One had to do with reading body language & another was putting together a story line in picture form.

Some of the other issues I have are in some cases beneficial to me at times. I have visual motion overload issue that I have at times actually found useful as they allowed me to stop motion in my head when diagnosing a printing press problem, it also warns when I need to take a short break from driving as it starts looking like the video of a camera that has had it’s image stabilization turned off when normally my vision is actually more stable than the best a camera can do even with image stabilization working but is less stable than when stabilization is turned off when overloaded. All that takes for me is a short 10-15 minute break to restore stability in my vision. I have aural-tactile synesthesia as well though I actually find that fun when listening to headphones. The strabismus which is another visual problem I have is interesting in that it is not & never has been the lasy eye sort. Both eyes worked perfectly Independent of the other eye but would not work with the other eye to produce a stereo 3D image. I did eventually in my 20’s come up with excersizes to get them to work together but it is still not perfect. When I get tired they want to separate & I must wear contacts so that the center of the eye is always at the center of the lense, otherwise my eyes tire quickly &separate.

I drive truck for a living & have done so successfully for 20 years now though due to other health issues I may be forced to retire soon. I have myoclonus & diabetes. Truck driving for the most part does not utilize my areas of weakness. It has consistent procedures & does not require much use of my very poor short term memory. I also don’t have to deal with someone standing over me as I have quite a bad case of PTSD caused by severe abuse from those that were supposed to be helping me in my foster home but instead stood over me & beat me if I made a mistake or didn’t work fast enough. Fortunately that part of my life is over but unfortunately it lives on in my head. I can’t even listen to a radio commercial about child abuse without shedding tears & very quickly at that, even at just the key words of child abuse turns on the waterworks in both my eyes & nose. Yes my nose gets fully in the act as well.

It took me about 19 years after high school graduation to find something that I could do consistently to support myself due to all my issues listed above as well as depression, dysthymia & generalised anxiety disorder with I believe tie in with being autistic.

This is a repost from my Tumblr account with some additions.

I was called the 'absent-minded professor,' for having photographic memory while neglecting basic, social skills and lacking much coordination. Augustus Gloop / Lennie Small kid, with deep, penetrating stare, which bothered the teachers. Having hearing difficulties, I was looking at people when they talk -- with undivided attention. I could take my attention away from people who made me the perennial scapegoat, put it fully into heavy lifting or reading, won trophies and honors. They knew I was very different, but didn't know what to call it, at the time. I felt separate, but not lonely or unhealthy, in any way.

For me it's feeling so wonderful when someone pays attention to me, but remembering as soon as they've gone that it's temporary, that they won't be there for me again.