any NT's in relationships with Aspies?

Post Reply New Topic

I have recently begun to suspect that my husband has Aspergers. He was diagnosed with ADD/depression, but that just didn't seem to explain all his behaviors. I've been trying to learn more about it. Anyone else out there who might have some input?

I used to be in a relationship with an NT and I have AS. I found it a bit difficult, not due to my behaviour but due to the distance between us.

Laplantain,

have you ever heard of delphi forums? Their is a forum called "AS and their partners" to discuss some of the issues that come up in AS/NT. Just be careful you don't go to one called "as partners" where a bunch of NT women have a big aspie bash fest that they call "venting".They don't let aspies on it either. Unlike "as partners" both NTs and Aspies are allowed to post, and the enviorment in friendlier and more positive.

Why check forums? Why can't they just try talking to each other?
There are plenty of books on AS. Just use that as a search word on Amazon.com and you'll find tons of them.

Well, I am reading Loving Mr Spock, and it all sounds a lot like him, although I took the aspie quiz myself and scored a 98, which it said was pretty high but not high enough to be considered aspie. Then he took the quiz to humor me, and he came out less aspie than I did!

The main thing is that he is totally unable to accept that someone else could be feeling something different than him, even when our baby cries he just does not respond with any kind of empathy or understanding. Just as an example, if he feels the baby something hot out of the microwave without checking it, the baby will cry. Then he will say, "It's not too hot. I'm very sensitive to heat and it wouldn't be too hot for me." Well, the baby spit it out, it's steaming hot, and he's a good eater who will eat anything. He still insists that it isn't too hot.
Another example, he refuses to give light massages because he likes hard massages and doesn't understand why anyone else wouldn't. He never believed me when I was pregnant and said I was nauseous or craved something. In fact, he started to claim that HE was the one who was nauseous, craving foods, etc.
So we get into all these "discussions" about things that normally wouldn't even be issues, but to him are really hard to figure out. It takes him a really, really long time to even understand the tiniest little feeling or even stuff that just seem like common sense.
Well, I guess I'll try that other forum that someone posted about. I haven't seen it, but I guess I can understand that maybe they want to let off some steam because sometimes it can be very frustrating.

Do not be so rude! It is not his fault that he cannot feel empathy! I am sure that underneath this he is a lovely person with a huge heart. If you go on that forum with the anti-AS rednecks, you may have your brain nullified by their overwhelming stupidity!

about our son, he is 1 1/2 yr old, and he just spent his whole afternoon trying to figure out how to open our front door with my keys. When he was 7 mos, he could already sit for 30 minutes at a time and look at a book. That seems like a heck of a long attention span for a little baby, huh?

sorry, I went back and edited my post. But if he doesn't have AS and still behaves in this way, then what does that make him?

Yay! My complaints work.

I browsed through the "AS Partners" forum on Delphi, and found it quite interesting. Granted, most posters are disgruntled women who divorced their aspie husbands (or are in the process of doing so), often after many years of marriage, when their children are on their own. One can see that most of these marriages were mistakes, and both sides are partly guilty and partly innocent. The biggest blame should go to the fact that none of the spouses knew about AS when they were getting married. If they knew, they would be able to avoid the mismatch. But they didn't. I think that it is pointless and unfair for NT wives to blame their aspie husbands for being aspies, but I can understand their disappointment.

When I get past the negativity of the threads, however, I find many posts quite fascinating. They include quite detailed descriptions of mindblindness, and "aspieness" in general. Let's face it, many of these traits are not assets, and it's not easy to realize "from within" how exasperating to others they may be. A look from the outside, even if negative, can be a valuable lesson. Many aspie guys are portrayed on the forum as not being able to see past their noses. Frankly, I find it believable, as I have trouble considering other people's feelings and needs as well. The forum is a very good resource for learning on other people's failures, in order to, hopefully, avoid one's own.

Because of your post, Magic, I went to check out some of the posts in that forum.

Some of what they are saying really strikes a nerve in me. I read one thread about these woman's husbands walking out of the room while they are talking, or wanting them to be there at their husband's notice, but their husband not responding to them when they want attention.

That is one of the main reasons why I am reluctant to ever get into a serious relationship. I'm not sure I could handle another person's demands for attention. When I spend time with people, it is on my own terms. I guess you are right, Magic, some of what they've said is helpful in seeing ourselves from the outside.

On the other hand, some of their sarcastic remarks and nasty comments are really uncalled for. "Ass-pie," I mean, come on. Very mature . And then drawing their kids into it and saying "Dear god, I hope he's not AS too!" and something along the lines of "The difference between being married to an aspie and owning a cat is that you can put the cat down if it bites you."

I am happy. I realise the mistakes I have made and I am willing to accept people as family as long as they forsake their predjudices.

Yes, Civet, that forum is a difficult read. There is a lot of bitterness and little love. One can wonder what made many of those couples get together in the first place, when they obviously do not fit each other. It follows from that forum that sharing life with an aspie can be quite stressful and unfulfilling for an NT, especially if they expect a "normal" relationship. The result is an unending misunderstanding, alienation, and an inappropriate behavior on both sides.

In my case, oh well, I was never in danger of destroying any NT's life. I guess I am too weird (or otherwise unattractive) for any NT woman to even look at me.