How do I act as neurotypical as possible?

Post Reply New Topic

Warning: This post is controversial

I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was 5. I sometimes wished I wasn't diagnosed because I hate having Aspergers. I know that I shouldn't be ashamed of having it but I am angry that I can't pick up on social skills like normal people do. I don't even tell people that I have it because I don't want to be associated with those "lower functionings" that rock all day and bang their heads.

I have a strong desire to be NT, since NTs have decent social skills and they can easily make friends and be in relationships. I'm a sophomore in high school, and I'm super jealous of NT guys my age who have tons of friends, play sports, and have relationships with pretty girls. I want to become as neurotypical as possible. I already have hidden some of my symptoms like forcing myself not to stim and I practiced desentizing myself to loud noises by walking by the fire station when the siren was going off. I also played sports in the past such as soccer and football in order to hang out with guys my age.

Any advice for acting neurotypical? I don't want to be autistic. I just want to blend in with everybody else and just socialize all day. I don't want to have an exceptional memory or an eye for detail. I just want to conform to society so that I can be independent and have a job one day.

Welcome to WP. When I was young, there was no awareness of autism or asperger's and I was never diagnosed. But I wanted all the same things you say you do. I didn't know why I wasn't included with the popular girls, or any parties or events. I felt sad and very left out.

I did teach myself some social skills over the years and my level of intelligence also helped me get by. Now I would say that I learned to "mask" and that apparently makes it more difficult to diagnose female aspies. I have lived independently of family of origin since I was 15. I have always had some kind of a job and you probably will to. I think for smart aspies high school can be hell.This forum has lots of subforums to help with things like social skills, work skills and relationships.

I think with time you will learn how to cope with some of the things that are holding you back now and that things will get better, especially once you get independent. And I think you will.

About 50 percent of the world are introverts and about 50 percent are extroverts. Extroverts excel in the social graces. There is an awful amount of introverts in this world. No one ever accuses them of being defective. Generally introverts NTs are happy being introverts and extrovert NTs are happy being extroverts. Most Aspies are introverts. Normally Myers-Briggs personality type experts advise against changing a persons personality in adults because it is a little like trying to pound a round peg in a square hole. It cause a great deal of stress.

So to answer your question. There are two types of NTs. If you want to engage introvert NTs then go to locations that you will find them and ask questions and listen to their concerns. What are their passions? If you want to engage extrovert NTs then I would take an extrovert NT along with me to a social event and find a corner to sit and wait. Soon some NTs will see you sitting in a corner alone and feel sorry for you and want to include you in their conversations.

I understand your point of view and have shared some of the things you describe (wanting to appear as NT as possible, trying to conform...)

Imagine that someone who is gay denies his sexuality. He wants to be straight. He doesn't tell people he's gay because he doesn't wants to be associated with drag queens...

You understand the point I'm trying to make?
Just like people are born gay or straight (or other forms of sexuality), you are born autistic.
There is NOTHING wrong with that. It doesn't mean you can't be happy and/or successful in life.

Just like a gay dude can deny his feelings, you can deny your autism. However, for your own well-being I suggest you stop the harmful practice of not being yourself!
I recognise much of my younger self a few years ago. After severe burnout, I started to research my diagnosis. Still in the process of self discovery, I am understanding more of myself. Taking into account my weaknesses and strengths, with the help of a very good therapist, I'm redistributing my mental resources. As a result I'm much happier now! (Although I might appear more autistic).

Wisdom comes with age. It is easier said than done, but don't pity yourself. You have to live with your neurotype whether you want it or not.

I see you're jealous of the NT who have tons of friends. I have spent most of my life with never more than very few friends.
Don't be jealous of the NT population. 2 very loyal friends who you can trust your life to, are worth more than the ton of so called friends that NT seem to have.

Please read the article 'the myth of passing' on musingsofanaspie.com I think you might learn a lot from it.
I wish you all the best. Be yourself. Be happy with who you are! Don't pretend to be someone you are not!

Last edited by JSBACH on 07 Sep 2018, 7:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was 8 and I've been angry about it ever since. I never tell people I have it because, like you, I don't want to be associated with the stereotypes of autism. I always worry that people think autism means you are incontinent or something. Also, I feel that some neurotypicals scoff and think "glad I'm not autistic", and can carry on with their lives.

I've always been able to mask some of my symptoms ever since I got diagnosed. In adulthood I've even shook off one or two symptoms. Nobody knows about it at work, and luckily I know how to behave in a way that masks 99% of my AS-ness, so I just try to push it out of my life and pretend I was never diagnosed to begin with. I am no longer letting my AS win any more. I'm even forcing myself to go to social events and trying to feel the excitement of it instead of dreading it. It's not hard once you get into a habit of feeling socially optimistic.

If you were diagnosed with Asperger's it most probably means you are mild enough to be aware of a lot of things you do and say. That is a good thing, because it means you are able to fit in better if you work on it. Here are some rules I go by to fit in and be as neurotypical as I can:-

~Understand humour and sarcasm. I don't know how good you are with getting jokes and not taking things too literally. I learnt in my teens how to react appropriately to humour instead of taking it as an insult. Taking notice or facial expressions and tone of voice works for me, but I'm not sure how good you are with that either.

~Don't talk about narrow interests too much (if you have any, that is). I learnt that the hard way. I knew my friends weren't that interested in my obsessions I had, but I had an urge to have to mention it anyway. The trick is to try not to give in to that urge, and soon your brain will get into the habit of not having such urges.

~ Don't whine and moan about everything (not saying you do, it's just a tip if you are the sort to see negativity in everything. If you're not then you needn't read this rule). I used to whine all the time, then in my teens I got so fed up with everybody saying "stop moaning" almost before I've even opened my mouth, that I had to train myself to express more positive emotions. It's OK to moan if others are moaning too, or if you feel they will agree with you. But otherwise try to keep the atmos happy and positive.

~Enjoy your environment. If you are at a crowded market with friends/relatives, take pride in things around you, like the displays and stuff. Expressing opinions to one another is what people like to do when out shopping or whatever. So just enjoy yourself, even if you are starting to feel a bit bored.

~Smile. Every now and then think of something funny or happy, just to make you give a slight smile, just where your cheeks lift up a bit. If you keep that up, you'll find you are smiling more naturally more often, and you'll look happy and even sociable.

~ That's good what you said about getting yourself desensitized to loud noises. If you find you are worried about a certain noise, just remember how normal you will look if you don't put your hands over your ears, and that will encourage you not to do it. Sometimes NTs don't like loud noises. If you see people putting their hands over their ears at a certain noise, then there's your chance too!

~ If you want to stim, try a more socially acceptable stim to use when around people. Shaking your leg is rather common among NTs (as I've noticed), so perhaps try doing that if you are sitting. Or just tap your finger on your thigh or something like that. That's hardly noticeable.

~ When someone says something funny, even if you don't find it funny, just laugh anyway, because that's what they want you to do. That's a good way to bond or connect with people.

~Take notice of how other people react to different things. If you're unsure of how to react to something, just imagine what your best friend or whatever would do. It sometimes helps.


Hmm, I can't think of any more at present, but I will add some more in the morning. But I hope this helps you a bit.

I wasted my youth trying to fit in a NT world. I tried hard, I did the best i could, I got exhausted, sick. Never succeed. If i could come back to my teenage years or my twenties, I promise you I had done things radically different and walked my own path rather than trying to walk others highways that nothing had to offer me. There is life outside the mainstream.

I was diagnosed as human when I was born. I sometimes wished I wasn't diagnosed because I hate being Human. I don't even tell people that I'm human because I don't want to be associated with all those other humans who murder etc

Having Aspergers and not to be diagnosed - I think it is worse, don't know, what is wrong with you.

You don't have to tell it anybody.


Maybe you can find friends between other Aspies.


You can't change it. Deal with it.
You can try support groups, social skills trainings.
You can observe other people and try behave similarly.
I know Aspies who have job and are independent.
Expetional memory or an eye for detail can be useful for some jobs.

Trying to change who you are will only hurt you. Do you really want a fake, one sided friendship, while denying yourself? Instead learn to work with what you have and to be okay with yourself.

There are many books, videos and courses about how to have better social skills and how to read and express body language. Some are good some are bad so research them before relying on them. Joe90 had some good suggestions.

This will take time, there will be advances and setbacks. Many NT's have poor social skills and misread other people, check out the divorce rate and the number of wars. A lot of the guys that seem to have it all together really do not, it is all an act, macho postering.

You are not NT so trying to be NT 24/7 will most likely fail. It will lead to anxiety, fear of slipping up, depression from the times the masking does not work and eventual burnout. A lot of us older Autistics can tell you all about it. Pick your spots to use skills you acquire, but when you are alone or in downtime be the autistic person you are to recharge.

Good luck.

Multiple quite different problems are called Asperger's. The best but not easiest way is to get rid of the most problematic ones. But nobody can help you with that without knowing you and the special kind of problems that you have.


Why that? It's a nice gift of the nature that can help you a lot for this.


Not all of them. Only the attractive ones.

Do not try to fight who you are. You will pay a very heavy price for it later. Some people do not survive that price.

not fearing rejection is a big part of it.

My body language reading skills aren't bad for an Aspie, and I can usually tell if somebody likes me or has "taken a shine to me", etc. But I'm not always sure how to go up to a group and join in/mingle without the fear of being accused of "following" people. Others can go up to a group of their colleagues having a cigarette or whatever and have something to say (gossip, rant, message, small talk, reminder, question, etc), and get listened to and become part of the group. But if I go up to a group of my colleagues when they are standing around talking, I'll just go up to them and stand there awkwardly, and then worry in case they will think "go away!" or think I am being nosy or intrusive, even if it isn't a personal private conversation. I'll just have nothing to say at the time. That is the one main thing that holds me back from making friends.

OP: I think your young desire to fit in with peers as being completely natural.

I also think such desire is healthy and opportune at your age because it creates a motivation to learn social skills as best as possible that will serve you best throughout your life in both your professional and personal life. Push yourself, research, practice, ask for feedback, etc.

Each person is different. I think there are those that can practice and emulate NT behavior so well that they are no longer consciously "masking" and their social interactions become second nature. That's great.

However, I think there are also those, like myself, that learned to interact as best I could with NTs, but never shook the feeling of being an outsider. Masking has always been a part of my communication with others and I've had a lot of practice after nearly 5 decades on this planet! Knowing what I know now, if I could go back in time and talk to my "young self", I would tell him to try his best at learning to communicate with NTs in an NT world but to warn him that eventually "masking" will tire him out. That he'll get to a point in his life where wishes he'd been himself and spent more time trying to find friends like him that he didn't have to mask around. To find friends that would accept him for who he is rather than "friends" who might like him for something he's not.

It's a tough world out there, but keep a positive attitude and above all enjoy all that life has to offer you!

It helps to be attractive!

Which means you need to take care of yourself to be in good health.
Even better if you can get some moderate exercise, to get toned muscles. Any more than that is overkill.
You also need to keep yourself clean.

Next it helps to learn basic fashion--tons of stuff on the Internet as well as books.

Then you ought learn about stuff to talk about. Such as the professional teams for your area. Newspapers can be remarkably helpful in teaching you what you need to know.

Sales is a great job for learning to be NT. You get lots of feedback on what works and what doesn't.