Should men on the spectrum follow NT advice for dating?

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Following my first thread about myself being a 30 year old male with Asperger's who has always been single plus a virgin, I was recommended a few websites and YouTube channels about dating advice. But I find that the advice seems to be much more geared towards neurotypical men. For example, someone recommended me this YouTube channel by a wing girl named Marni. I am not sure if she is American or Canadian, but it seems like many men in both countries follow her advice (connect the link manually because I cannot post links as a new member):

ht tps://w ww.youtube.com/watch?v=sUOpRlEEoLo

In this specific video, it is advice about how men should utilise touching as part of flirting as a dating technique. But I find that these techniques are fraught with problems for someone who is autistic or has Asperger's. Flirty touching is like level 11/10 on the difficulty level, because even regular touching like hugs and handshakes already give men on the spectrum problems. What if a man on the spectrum messes up real badly with the touching stuff by mistake, and the woman gets uncomfortable? Or what if even if the woman is neurotypical, but she does not like any touching and this is not known beforehand?

Extending this example to other aspects of dating and relationships where advice is mostly for neurotypical people, I am wondering if it could work also for men on the spectrum.

As an extra detail, my Aspie score is 153/200 and neurotypical score is 50/200. I am not sure if that is "mild" or what. But my skills at nonverbal communication and facial expressions are extremely poor.

So my question is, should men on the spectrum follow dating techniques and advice that seem more suited towards neurotypical men?

I would say no. They give you phrases to say but an aspie would say them in a monotone which would not work.

The touching thing is exactly like you say.
What advice to follow? No idea!

When I was in my teens I would get approached rarely , then that relationship would last about two weeks.
Online dating can be better but then you have to judge if the other person is going to make you regret ever being involved. If you are a virgin it will make you not want to take a step back or reject anyone who displays red flags.

Sorry to hear about your frustration with getting in the right zone with women. I've been there and it sucks. I didn't link up with my good woman until my 30s. She has a lot of aspie traits and that's probably why we work. I know it's corny, but I had no luck with the ladies until I got tired being something I wasn’t. Even when being myself = very dorky. I've found that once women are past their mid twenties they are tired of smooth talking NT Don Juan type men and start to look for a stable, honest loyal man to settle down with.

I didn't answer you question.

I don’t think dating advice for NT men which relies of reading subtle cues or using pretense is useful for aspie guys. The pretty lady in the utube clip says “The more you touch a woman, the more she will trust you and will be willing to do what you want”. As an aspie male this advice scares the sh*t out of me. If you can reliably read the non verbal signals given by a woman well enough to know when touch is wanted or not then maybe this is useful advice. I never could and I can’t do pretence which means touch was a high risk area for getting it wrong and being seen as a creep. Yes, I’m sure you know that word. Pretense is creepy and doesn’t generate trust.

Apies find it hard to read non-verbal cues, they do not pick up on subtle signals, they often do not like being touched and they often avoid eye contact.
Aspies find it hard taking advice from others, they do things their own unique, weird way.
Most dating advice for males is useless and relies on being True Alpha male as pushed by the Pick Up Artists in a bar/club scenario.
NTs do not have the huge disadvantage of having Autism. Social interactions are far easier for NTs.

Maybe some of the advice....but definitely not advice of a PUA nature which is often dispensed.

What other advice can be followed that actually works?

Simple answer to your thread title, No!

Elaborate answer, please?

Flirting involving touching is definitely NOT a good idea. It's problematic even among NT's, all the more so for autistic people.

I would suggest finding ways to get to know women outside the context of standard dating rituals. If you can make enough female friends, eventually one of those friendships will likely either (1) turn into something more eventually or (2) result in you getting introduced to a potential girlfriend.

To that end, I would suggest (1) joining groups, e.g. Meetup groups, devoted to some hobby of yours (if any) that is of interest to at least as many women as men, and/or (2) joining support groups around some personal difficulty of yours (other than ASD) that is shared by at least as many women as men. (See, for example, my suggestion here.)

Those seem like good suggestions mona

Even among NTs, the whole question of when touching is appropriate is one on which at least the U.S.A. (and perhaps the Western world in general?) is in the midst of a cultural change, thanks in part to the "me too" movement. Indeed, we may be in the midst of a cultural change regarding flirting in general.

IMO, in the long run this cultural change will likely result in a more autistic-friendly world, e.g. a world in which people routinely and explicitly ask permission before touching others (e.g. "would you like a hug?"), at least with people whom they don't know very well. For those of us with touch sensitivities, this will be a huge improvement.

However, while the cultural change is still in progress, apparently even a lot of NT men are confused and worried about possibly getting into trouble for flirting with women the wrong way.

Hopefully the confusion and acrimony will settle down soon in favor of a new consensus about appropriate new ways of flirting that are more consensual and less confusing for everyone.

For more about this whole issue, see Autism and Consent by Kirsten Lindsmith.

Autistics are not nts. NT dating advice is often based on being able to understand and interpret subtle social an emotional inuendos (I think inuendos is the right word) and body language and things are communicated in a very indirect non verbal way. To give an Autistic advice that is very much based on those kinds of things is cruel and unfair. Dating advice for Autistics needs to be much more based on direct and honest communication where both parties can clearly understand each other and get to know each other in a very honest and nonthreatening and non allusive way. Deep understanding and compromises and compassion need to be developed. You can't do that without clear and direct and honest communication. That is the only way it can work.

I agree, but for this to happen, the autistic person first needs to:
a) Get someone interested in them enough that they'll listen and
b) Once they're listening, convince the other person exactly why the honest communication is important instead of relying on nonverbal cues and rules.

So the real question is: how does an autistic person get to the point where that other person will be willing to listen since the usually used NT ways aren't much of an option.

Unfortunately, so-called "honest" communications don't always work. Some women (NT and otherwise) are creeped out by too much honesty -- disclosing too much personal information, too much knowledge and to many opinions can be a turn-off. Learn to use general terminology when speaking about your special interest, and minimize the details.

Men on the spectrum should also at least try to relax, to listen, and to maintain eye contact.

(Believe it or not, boys: her eyes really are on her face, and not on her chest!)

A little courtesy really does go a long way. At a restaurant, for example: hold the door for her; pull out her chair for her to sit; let her order first (whatever she wants, and don't object); pick up the check and pay it with a smile (especially on the first date). Tip generously (15% or more).

These are just the basics -- even successfully married men follow them when on dates with their wives.

Over sharing and being honest aren't the same thing. Honest means things like not saying "you can go" when you don't want the person to go, not saying "it looks good" when it doesn't etc. Over sharing is stuff like telling all about your family on your first date or telling what you wish your wedding to be like in the future.