Siblings of Autistic Children.......

Post Reply New Topic

Our middle son, 12, recently confided in me that he has a hard time because of his sister's autistic behavior, on the bus rides and likely at school, too. He says kids say to him, "Your sister's weird, I don't want to sit by you", plus other remarks that just plain hurt. Our oldest daughter, 20,who is closer in age to her, used to have her friends stand up for our daughter (18)on the bus, but she has moved away... I feel angry toward the punks who ridicule my precious ones, since they are great kids...Any advice? Bus driver is busy, and no physical threats have been made, so they are basically on their own on their rides to and fro....Our son, is shy, which makes him a target as well...

Been there, but my sister kinda joined in on the bullying (as did my "friends").

Not catching the bus and eventually leaving the school "fixed" the problem, and since I was the autistic one, I couldn't verbalize my emotions and troubles to others. I kinda refused to go on the bus, and if I was forced, well, see the match the dude in my avatar is holding? There goes the bus depot.... My mother never forced me as she's one of those angels that just know.

People like teasing others who're different, and autistic people, no matter how "high-functioning" they are, will always appear different to the others, and the others needn't even be the genuine bullies. Everyone who is normal is a possible bully to an autistic individual in my experience.

I'm glad you wrote back, I see my own horrid childhood flashing back to me, I was picked on mercilessly... Our son needs to stand up for himself, and perhaps stand up for his sister,but he is shy , quiet,....I could not be his age again, the kids today are even more ruthless..The parents do not care, which is another problem..I just love my kids so, so much, and feel helpless because I cannot be there at that moment with them ,for them..... Thank you for your reply, I sure understand your words and past childhood situations..Peace....

yep, I agree with Danielismyname. My brother solidly joined into the bullying and made his opinion that I was 'crazy' clear to his friends and what ever school we were going to. He was allowed to go to a different high school just so he didn't have to be in the same school as me.
My parents just said if I wanted people to stop picking on me I should stop being so weird and different, as I was just bringing it on myself.

there was life before Asperger's


Merle

This is such a tough situation. Have you tried to equip your son with some good comebacks? I can't think of any ATM, but then again witty comebacks were never my forte. If he were to retort something back to the kid that's being mean that would embarrass him/her some of the teasing may stop. That's the only way that I had gotten some of the kids at school to back off. No one likes their flaws broadcasted out loud in front of a group of people, even though that's exactly what they were doing to me. Usually, I'm not a big advocate for an eye for an eye type of revenge, but if your son doesn't stand up for himself, and set boundaries the kids will never stop.

I know that my NT daughter is embarrassed of her ASD brothers. She admitted that she doesn't invite friends over much because of them. I was saddened to hear this, but at the same time I couldn't blame her. She wants to have friends.

My NT younger sister (4 years younger than me) seemed completely traumatised by my existance...She hated going to the same school as me, and complained about me constantly.

It is to the point that as adults, we have no bond whatsoever. I was a perpetual embarrasment to her. I was bullied by her in the most invasive and obnoxious ways, and often when I would make friends, they would end up becoming more her friends...because she was more "normal"...

I tried to respond in [verbal] kind to my bullying, it didn't do anything, whether it was because I'm not exactly the best with language or not is up in the air, or I was just so fun to bully by everyone. I then resorted to physical violence, which usually ended with me being the one getting in trouble; perhaps the teachers were justified in such as I used disproportionate force from their viewpoint. Verbal bullying is far more hurtful to me than physical; mental scars don't really heal that well, and physical pain doesn't hurt at all compared to the confusion I experienced at the verbal bullying.

I didn't belong there, and everyone let me know such.

It made me angry for a long time (I showed no one this anger), but it also allowed me to understand humanity better, and social dynamics as my anger subsided; I learnt much from my struggles.

yep, I understand completely. My brother was horrified by my existence. Would hide from me with my cousin (who made my life hideous as she went to the same schools) My brother only spoke to me when our father passed away and I helped him to cope and clean up their apartment. When it was all done he just said "you know this doesn't change anything, please don't try to contact me, I won't take your call." And he drove off. That was over a decade ago.

I have no illusions it would have been any different had they known about my AS. If anything they would have really resented it that they had to deal with knowing I couldn't help it, it was bad enough he thought I was doing it on purpose.

Merle

I am lucky. My brother always stood up for me and told me that if people bullied me he would set his friends on them.. or take care of it himself

We never understood each other though. It is truly like we are from different planets. I dont really have proper conversations with him. But there is no animosity.

He used to boss me around a lot but that stopped when he was about 15 or so.

Program Assists Brothers And Sisters Of Kids With Autism (Medical News Today)

Thank you all for your replies..it is painful to be a part of this world, isn't it? I wish our son could simply say in a calm, firm voice, "Hey, bud, we are ALL DIFFERENT"...Maybe he will today or tomorrow, or the next time he needs to.... My sister was exactly 12 months older, she was smarter, prettier, wittier, more popular than I ever could be..and she rubbed it in my nose every day..It wasn't until we were both married that we could talk comfortably with one another..Our autistic daughter, who I am very proud of, has a way with great comebacks..She points out those physical features that leave the bully wide-mouth open..she is quite innocent about it, she tells it like it is...Our son is afraid of getting slammed into a locker or bathroom stall if he talks back....Man, this hurts the soul...Please keep your messages coming..Peace..

Kids can be cruel. I was the aspie kid. My cousin, very close in age to me and a grade behind told me, after we'd been the best of friends for years, that she could no longer hang out with me or be seen with me in public because I was "ruining her rep". Middle school, awesome. Verbalizing this was a nightmare for three reasons. One, I'm an aspie, so verbalizing my feelings is never easy. Two, the humiliation factor. Three, try verbalizing to a mother who doesn't care to hear it, has her back to you washing the dishes and tells you, "Just go get some sleep. Everything will be better if you just do that."

Know that you are your child's best ally. Having you is half the battle! As for those kids, I wish I had some good advice but I don't. I would suggest confidence builders for your son. Martial arts is a good one. Not so he can kick their butts, lol, just because it makes you feel confident and strong. For me, skating was both an outlet and a confidence booster. Encourage him in whatever he tries. There isn't much we can do as parents about the bullies at school, but there is so much we can do at home to build confidence and grow a healthy level of self-esteem. That you care so much about your kids is a huge step in that direction already.

I feel terrible for my sister sometimes. She must have been embarrassed by me at times. The only time I was a real older sister was in the area of academics. Otherwise, I must have come across as a "ret*d" and an embarrassment.

My sister was embarrassed and puzzled by me when we were kids. We never got along. Now she has a son who is an aspie and is so much like me that people think he's my son. Now we all talk and get along fine. It took time and understanding.

My son was ADHD and still is kids were very mean to him. His sister went to a different school and she would stick up for him. She thought I favored him. That he got more attention. He thinks she gets more now. Even though I live with him because we bought a Condo together after my divorce. But now she has a son who is 3 years old and he is Autistic. His 6 year old sister is homeschooled and goes to a Charter School two days a week. She is frustrated by her Autistic brother. She thinks he gets more attention than she does. Sometimes she says mean things about him in front of him. I tell her not to do that. I try to tell her that it hurts his feelings. She says he doesn't know what she is saying. I tell her just because he can't can't talk doesn't mean he doesn't know what she is saying. Any suggestions? Then all of a sudden she will turn around and be his best friend. She will help him with his ASL. Or dance with him. Try to teach him a new word.
I know my kids were always fighting also. My kids are 28 and 29 now and are still the same way. Sometimes best friends and the next not talking.

I've heard this about a hundred times, so it must work for a lot of parents--to make sure both kids get the point that you love them equally, take each one on a one-on-one activity at least every week, so you can bond without worrying abut sibling interactions.

It's bad enough when the autistic child gets targeted by other kids... but now they have to pick on siblings, too? Wow. That's just wrong. No kid deserves that, and it doesn't do much for the siblings' friendship, either. You might have to get on the school to actually do something about the bullies. It's not right for a bunch of juvenile delinquents to gang up on a kid.

Don't just let it go, whatever you do. That kind of thing can hurt a child very deeply, autistic or not. We should know; we've been there.