He's Fine the Way He Is

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Hello--I'm a new member. I'm a mom of a boy who is about to turn 5. He has never been officially diagnosed, but he has traits that overlap with people "on the spectrum"--speech delay, fascinated with ceiling fans, wants to socialize with other kids but doesn't have the language ability or social savvy to really play anything other than chase-type games. His language is steadily improving, just not on the level yet with other kids his age. Based on how much he's improved, we have every reason to think that in a year or two, his speech will be pretty much normal.

He is smart, figured out how to read without being taught, and is very happy, loving and funny. He's a pleasure to spend time with. We have not sent him to preschool because he doesn't fit in any school situation--he's way ahead in some things, and way behind in others. He is a visual/spatial thinker and does not learn by sitting and listening to someone explain things in words. Also, he is so mild-mannered and sweet that he's a major bully-magnet; mean kids can sense he won't fight back and I've seen their eyes light up when they see him on the playground. School would be hell for him.

I take him to activities with other kids, and we go somewhere every day--museum, park, homeschool group, cultural events, etc., so he is not stuck in the house or isolated at all. We have a very diverse and active homeschool group here so there is no shortage of social activities to do.

We've been getting pressure from his pediatrician and various other people that we should have him "evaluated" and get some kind of therapy for him. We resist this because, honestly, we think he's fine the way he is. Quirky, sure, but what's wrong with that? I believe his differences from NT people are his unique gift. I don't want him to be pathologized and therapy-ized and made to feel that his differences are "bad" or something that needs "fixing."

So, this question is for those of you who grew up "on the spectrum": did you get therapy and what did you think of it? What do you think about our decision to let our son be who he is without thinking of it as a pathology or trying to "treat" it? I figure those of you who are like him are the true experts on this, so please let me know what you think. Thank you in advance.

You do have full control over what therapy your child gets if he's diagnosed; so a diagnosis won't ruin his life. It may even help, since he will eventually become aware, if he isn't already, that he is different. Knowing why you are different, and that you are not to be blamed for it, is very helpful. My mother kept her own suspicions hidden from me; but when my learning differences caused me to fail at college and I ended up hospitalized for depression, I finally found out that I have autism--and it answered so many questions that I was finally able to get a grip on my life, and start solving problems. Autism was like a missing variable, without which the solution is undefined.

I don't know that your son needs any more "therapy" than what you are already giving him--lots of experiences to learn from; lots of safe opportunities to socialize with other kids; an education that's tailored for how he learns. That's ideal. A diagnosis doesn't mandate formal treatment. (I do recommend some basic speech therapy, to help him communicate better. You could actually hire a therapist for a few sessions and learn how to teach him yourself. Or you may already be doing so without any training.)

But I especially approve of your decision to home-school; you say your child is a non-traditional learner, and kids like that just don't fit into the school system, either mainstream (where the education simply doesn't fit) or special-education (where strengths are often ignored and the focus on behavior is much too severe). Be sure you keep ahead of him, education-wise; by the time he gets to high school and is learning things like biology or classic literature, you will need to know those things well enough to teach them. You're already making sure to get him opportunities to socialize--good idea. Have you tried home-school groups?

Welcome to WP, by the way. Hope you get some good ideas here.

What kind of therapy are you talking about, speech therapy? I don't think speech therapy is stigmatizing, if it helps a child communicate better.

You son reminds me a lot of myself at that age, outside of a speech delay (I spoke very well... just not to other children). He also sounds very intelligent, which means at some point he's going to realize (if he hasn't already) that he's a bit different from the other children. It isn't so bad when one is that young, but once those preteen years come along life can really start to be confusing and painful.
You could have him assessed and if he is officially diagnosed, tell him when you think he needs to know. Or, you can do what my parents did: get him the education he needs (gifted, special ed, or a combination of both) and support his special interests, and leave it at that. It worked well for me until I was about 12. One thing I would add to that, that my parents really failed at doing, is to help him grow emotionally and socially in whatever way possible, without forcing the issue, and if emotional problems start to show don't ignore it. Kids can hurt inside a lot more than adults seem to realize.
If you are worried about therapy and such, you could always have him assessed but have nothing official written down. I know right now it doesn't bother you that he is quirky and different, but I can tell you from experience that there is a good chance that it will someday bother him.
As much as I really like being quirky and different (it's who I am!), it sure is a lot more difficult than being, well, normal. After years of depression and going from a near-4.0 in highschool to failing out of college, I ended up having to seek an assessment on my own. I often wonder what life would have been like if I'd known from the start, and I can only imagine it would have been better than it was.

Have you thought, maybe, to ask him what he thinks of himself?

IronMommy, I wish my mum would take that approach. I think you're doing the right thing.

Couldn't agree more!



I'm not sure, I think I had things to help me with things I found hard like some things with language (I used to take things literally but I hardly ever do anymore unless I'm joking) but nothing that would change my personality at all.

I don't think that things that claim to "treat" ASDs work at all, it's all crap. I think that Asperger's (or any sort of autism for that matter) is a gift so it's stupid to try and cure or treat it anyway.

Could you please sign the petition in my signature, please? You sound like the type of person who agrees with it's point of view

Last edited by DeLoreanDude on 22 Jan 2009, 12:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I was therapy-ized and made to feel that my differences were "bad" and needed "fixing".
My traits were viewed in a negative way and my parents kept receiving reports that I wasn't achieving things. Because I wasn't explicitly told what I should have been achieving, how was I supposed to know what to do?

It just wasn't fair. It was hell in the playground because kids were avoiding me because I was labeled.
No one even told me how I should be mixing with the other kids: they just expected my problems to somehow evaporate. I just remember being overwhelmed and confused by all the noise of the kids chatting to each other. It wasn't like how my family behaved at all. Lots of kids avoided me because I was labeled and never even gave me a chance to socialise with them.

My parents deeply regretted putting me in therapy because they couldn't honestly see what I was doing "wrong". They were puzzled as to why I was being interrogated to "express my feelings" in groups and talk about things on a daily basis by the teachers because our family minded our own business. This didn't seem to be in line with the academic syllabus I was meant to be learning either: my parents were bewildered. Why wasn't I being allowed to work on my own somewhere quiet?

I found the therapy that I went though very insulting to my intelligence and unhelpful.
I was angry and would often act out during those sessions because I wanted to learn something useful, not be talked to in a condescending way. My parents felt offended and ashamed that I'd been labeled because they recognised many of my personality traits in themselves.

In the end I ditched my diagnosis after Primary School because it was doing more harm than good.
The dx is still on record at the doctors and this makes my parents angry. They also find the term "on the Spectrum" very offensive because they believe that all human beings are on a Spectrum of abilities of one sort or another.

I think I just have a different learning style, way of processing information and am overwhelmed by large crowds. I don't know why this has to be pathologised. I also have a different style of socialising. I think that some people are just different. Give me the right environment and I can do brilliantly.

Sine my statement was removed, lots have people have said that I can "see things that others can't" and that I'm unique. Many people don't think that there's anything "wrong" with me at all given my academic achievements.

This is just my own personal experience.
I'm not from the United States and there's still a lot of ignorance about AS in my country. Resources were probably also limited. This happened over 10 years ago and things may have changed since then. I'm very sorry I can't include anything more positive.

^DAT

It might depend on what kind of therapy is available where you and your family live.

Being taught social skills in a way that suits autistic people and having the chance to interact with other children of the same age that are on the spectrum can be advantageous.

Hi IronMommy - welcome to WP - I also think you have the right attitude!

You might be interested in reading Temple Grandin's book, "Thinking in Pictures," in which she describes things her mother did for her as she was growing up (her mother's attitude was very similar to yours) - and also the most effective techniques & therapies that are available today.

i wish there was some in-between getting "labled and stigmatised"...and not receiving any help at all.
When i was a kid in normal public school, nobody knew what AS or ADD were. My parents thought I was "Fine just the way i was"...But they were in denial of the fact that I really was different from most of the other kids in certain vital ways, and there were areas in which I really needed some help.
As a result, I ended up growing up with damaged self-esteem. I was reminded every day that i went to school that there was something wrong with me, because I was so awkward and disorganized and simply did not fit in with the other kids. No matter that my test scores were higher..no amount of blaming the system took away the hurt I received from the teasing that I received every single day. My (very ASish mom) believed that there was a conspiracy behind the use of florescent lights in the classrooms. They didn't want kids to learn. She didn't understand just how much more sensitive I was to them compared to the other kids in the class. All of my problems were written off as "hypersensitivity"...and somehow the system was to blame.

In some parallel universe I could have possibly thrived academically if I had received some kind of acknowledgment or assistance...beyond my getting sent back to the 3rd grade after having a meltdown for being "emotionally immature". I was slated for advanced classes at the end of 3rd grade the first time, but by then my mental health had already taken too many blows from all the bullying, and because of the setting I was placed in, the bullying never stopped. I never was a good student, despite having "above average" intelligence and blah blah blah...you get my point...

Anywhoo...I hope the education system is different for your son. It is nice that AS is acknowledged in this day and age, and that he doesn't have to go through what some of us went through before people knew what AS was.

So do I.
Or just more understanding and constructive support in society as a whole.

Different doesn't always equal "bad".

Differences can be worked with given the right environment.

From one Mum to another (who's Aspie son is now 10, and we're a homeschooling family as well), go with your gut. Do what you feel you need to do to help your son become the best version of himself, whatever that may be.

My son is actively involved in his own healthcare. Yes, in the end I make the final decision, but I want his input because it's HIS body and I think he deserves to know what's going on. When we got to a point where we had to decide about various medications I made a promise to him that I was not going to change him. I just wanted to help him become the best version of himself. That turned out being the best decision I ever made because anytime we make a decision about his care, we look at the pros and cons. Will this bring something to his life that he needs to be successful? If yes, then we go with it. If not, then we pass on it.

Good luck in your decisions.

Well, as an adult now, I look back and I wish I could have received the help my son is getting now. Yeah, I went to college. I got married, and now finally have a job. But I have had a LOT of problems in my life related to being on the spectrum that would have been easier to overcome with a little help when I was younger. Learning how to make friends, how to keep friends, how to interact with people, how to empathize with people (I don't suppose you can teach empathy but I didn't even learn what it was until I was 19 years old)... I'm 29 now and I haven't had a friend, a real friend, since I was probably 11 years old. I don't have a social life. I talk maybe 3 times a day at work.

My son, on the other hand, has been receiving help when he was first evaluated for developmental delays when he was 15 months old. He's had occupational therapy, infant stim, we practice "SkillStreaming" with him (drill through how to respond to questions and situations), we have him go to a social skills group at Chapel Hill TEACCH, and we've mainstreamed him at a preschool where he's really developed socially.

I think because of the help he receive that I didn't, he's going to end up much higher functioning than I ever was. And I think it's a great gift I'm giving him. To be able to live and experience life in a way I've never been able to.

So while your son may be "fine", he's going to wonder when he's an adult if things could have been better.

Welcome to WP!

The closest equivalent to a happy medium that i did receive was in Jr. High when I finally made it into the GT classes which accommodated kids of above average intelligence who had a different style of learning, and the different learning styles were allowed and nurtured.

Technically it was considered "Special Ed" (I was told), but it was special ed for smart kids, and the classes were very flexible. We could lay on the floor during class, or turn in a comic that we drew instead of an essay...etc...
I still got teased in those classes, and my issues with social skills weren't really addressed, but I don't know how I would have survived in school without those classes..
Nobody in those classes was labled or stigmatized. It was an enviable program to be in because it meant you were extra smart and creative and could get away with more...in fact, I think it would be better for lots of kids if regular classes had been structured more like the GT classes were.

Typically, where I live, kids got placed in these kinds of classes around 2nd or 3rd grade. I was selected in 3rd grade, but switched to a different school where they had the "Vanguard" program that was too crowded. I took the test to get in and passed, but there was a waiting list to get in. Also, many of the kids in the Vanguard program were really snooty, and the councilor was worried that I would have problems over there possibly worse than the problems i was already having...seeing as the Vanguard kids were in an annex building on the other side of the school, and some of them still managed to bully me... ...and that is why i didn't get into those classes till Jr. High.


Sorry to ramble..i had a point in there somewhere...