Anyone Married To A Non-Aspie?

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If so, how do you manage when it comes to providing what they want/need on a more emotional and interpersonal level?

I ask as I'm struggling to keep my marriage intact and I don't think I'm doing all that well. Tonight I showed my wife Alex's video from his site where he gives a speech. I wanted to know if that's what I resembled when I give speeches to people--mannerisms and such. Anyway, it hit her hard as I guess she took it as a glimpse of what I will always be like.

To be fair to her, and for clarity, she is really trying hard and has one single sentence that really sums things up:

You're not a bad guy; you're just hard to live with.

I don't want to make her out to be a bad person, I just want to know how other Aspies have managed with their non-aspie loved ones.

YEs i have been married to a non-AS man and i have not been able to meet any of his emotional needs. he thinks i am the most selfish and executively dysfunctional person he has ever met. He also thinks i am brilliant, hilarious and a total nightmare to live with and i do not have a clue about anyone else's emotional landscape except my own.

He has spent 8 years trying to make me normal. he has failed.


he is actually right. I am clueless in a relationship and i am a big kid.

we just split up.......

Same here. My Nt wife is basically in denial about AS and still prefers to think of me as being oddly eccentric and we've been married 27 years. She refuses to even read about autism. Fortunately she more of less long ago gave up trying to 'change' me to make me normal. Basically she is my 'list-watcher' and caretaker and seems relatively happy in that role. She also has her own career so that occupies a huge amount of her time so i don't need to be hanging around 'entertaining' her when she's home. She has her interests and I have mine, almost like two roomates instead of spouses. It works out okay that way. Keep in mind that this is my fourth attempt at marriage so I can assure you that it is not an easy thing for us to do.

That's what it seems like; this is my first and it's not looking to good for me.

[sighs]

I mean, I don't blame her too much really and she's doing everything she can to help make it work. It just seems like it isn't going to be enough. I've already made up my mind that I won't be trying this again (though many say I will change my mind should I be in that position). Relationships are just so hard.

Almost verbatim what my wife says about me.

I'm married to a non-aspie, but we usually manage to mesh quite well.
Neither of us are extremely attentive, mostly we kind of do our own thing.

Yeah, I know this isn't terrible helpful, sorry.

millie,

Again, you have spoken the truth for me.
Switch genders in this quote, subtract the bit about brilliance and hilarity, and change 8 years to 5, and you have precisely summarized my one lasting relationship (not even marriage, we never got that far). Also, she and I have been trying to split up for at least 2 years, but can't seem to do so because of practical and financial considerations. Consequently, we spend every day in misery and pray for a way out.

The thing is, she is absolutely NOT comfortable accommodating my AS traits. She NEEDS emotional reciprocity and a stable and reliable partner, neither of which I can provide. We tried the "shared living" situation, where we just treat each other like roommates. Even that declined into fights and mistrust and general ugliness. We have known for awhile now that we cannot live together. We are tying to get that ball rolling right now....

Certainly this does not bode well for my hopes of having relationships in the future.
Though I have to admit, I have paradoxically become very pessimistic about other people and very optimistic about myself. Experiencing an utter emotional train wreck with a person who I once proclaimed to love has taught me more than I can say about who I am and how I work. Kind of a stupid way to learn, I guess. But I accept that everything is happening the way that it should, as screwed up as it might seem.

I am soon to be married to a none AS guy but he thinks I lack empathy and I don't really care about him and I don't read him well he says. He doesn't mind my Benny & Joon and sometimes it drives him crazy he says because I have the soundtrack playing over and over and the movie is on about every time he wakes up and when he gets home from work and I am with the computer. My mother doesn't like it so she worries about me thinking I will get too far into it, I won't be able to get back out. He has also said he gets a little depressed without affection so he always asks "Can I have a hug?" "Can I have a kiss?" But he loves me and doesn't expect me to change and he doesn't try to change me. He says I'm perfect for him.

I think it be tough to find another guy like him, someone who accepts me than meeting a guy who doesn't like the way I am and tries to change me and I get all depressed inside and feel worthless and I am not trying hard enough.

If I had to pick between a rich guy who doesn't accept me and a guy who is poor and accepts me, I'd pick the poor guy.

good to read Acacia. you know, i shall not even try for another typical relationship again. one thing that has happened of late - is that i am feeling incredible relief here and there. i realy felt as if i could only bring one of my 8 or so brains into the relationship and what that meant was that i was feeling an interminable sense of compromise of who i am, all the time. So 7 parts of me were withering away inside.

my ex does indeed find my many accents amusing and the sexual dimension was actually just semi- ok except for the fact i have all these incredible strategies and rules because of sensory dysfunction. very very weird to an outsider. Oh, and of course i have just felt it would be good to have an open relationship so that i can be all of who I am, and he just thinks i am stark raving mad. He flipped at this suggestion 7years ago and he flipped again recently. it may quite possibly be related to theory of mind difficulties because i just think it sounds finel. I cannot understand him at all on this issue. i do not relate at all and i try intellectually to grasp it. But he told me it would be a frigging nightmare if i did that.
just absolutely tooo tooo much.
oh well.
and the reality that i am bisexual is just too too much to even contend with....

anyway, i have small periods of relief and just started a 9-10 feet long yellow painting - so that says something about the mood lifting in me.

and never again will i waste my time with a normal and traditional relationship. just not worht the hassle for me.

So far we have only talked about the negative aspects of NT/AS relationships but there are psoitives as well. Even in failed or failing relationships there are good times and good components of the pair involved even if they can't live together and most NT/AS breakups are not hostile as NT/NT breakups can be. I have good relationships with all of my past long term partners and wives, better in some cases than when we were married.
Perhaps the ideal arrangement for many of us is actually living separately in a relationship as strange as that sounds. We are unorthodox people and perhaps unorthodox living arrangements and unusual relationships suit us best.

well yes..that is true.
if two people can co-parent and make it work under the one roof that is very very commendable., IN my case i think we will swing it to that outcome....mainly because the ex has actually done a lot of work on himself. and so have I... it is just that i can never be other than what i am...a quite unorthodox individual who happens to have AS.

i think the preferred outcome is always to maintain friendship and care.
that is a good thing.
a very good thing.

Come March, it will be six years and counting ... can't wait for my wife to do that.

I do think that two aspies can be good together but then it might be likely that both of them will need a third party to do the 'list-watching' and 'caretaking' so it can get complicated fast and is an area where some form of communal living may come into play where people can more or less share the services of a caretaker.
I can't remember if I wrote about 'listwatchers' and 'caretakers' on my site and if I didn't then I need to do that.
I guess it all depends on how much executive function one or the other has.

Going on ten years this year.

Being a bit older, I've managed to address a lot of my behaviour problems and learned to do (or at least simulate) most of what comes naturally to NT's.

Also my wife is an exceptional case. She has, I feel, stopped trying to force me to become more normal. And she's aware of the portions of my personality that are in fact better than a typical NT partners would be.

Having said all that, it has been a very difficult time and a long journey to get to this point and we are not yet completely without problems. We have been seperated twice and almost a third time, fairly recently.

It is a constant struggle, but I can say in total confidence that it is entirely worth every part of it.

I hope you manage to get through the bad times and overcome the hurdles. Sometimes though, the obstacles may be insurmountable and at that point it would be best to start again with someone new. But there have been many times I thought that it was over in my relationship, where, after perhaps ludicorus perserverance, we have gotten things back on track.

yes...that is what i call the parallel lives model of relationship for AS/AS.

executive function or dysfunction is the issue. My executive dysfunction increases if i have to caretake anyone other than myself. i cannot get my head around tasks if they entail another social being and the clashes arise. however, if I am just left to my own devices my executive function is a lot better.

i did a load of washing today and i hung it out. that is the first time in a couple of months i have done that......and i put it down to the fact i am completley singular in the task. start involving other people in it and i am completely stuffed - particularly given my anthropomorphsising of objects and articles of clothing and things......

Last edited by millie on 01 Feb 2009, 1:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

This is one of the reason that so many on the spectrum still live at home. The need for a certain amount of caretaking due to poor executive function. even a lot of married couples still have a parent do some of the functional stuff. Our living arrangements and relationships can be very complex, convoluted and unorthodox for a variety of reasons.