The autism social rule book.

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147. Act like you are a little more confident than you are. People will treat you according how well you treat yourself. Add a LITTLE meanness to your style and they will respect you even more (yuck).

148. If certain rules for a game, activity, etc have been established and one or more people openly are not following the rule, don't keep telling them to follow the rule. I am only partly making fun of the rule about not commenting on these rules! It really bothers me when there are clear written rules for a shared activity and people think it's funny not to follow them, and then I get all irritated reminding them, and they laugh and think I'm weird....

149. Don't follow the golden rule. Don't treat people as you would like them to treat you. Treat people as you think they would like you to treat them! (Possibly one of the bigger breakthroughs of my young life, explained to me by my father). I have discovered that the way I want people to treat me is not necessarily desired by most people I meet.

150. You DON'T have to lie when people ask you your opinion of something and the opinion is negative (I hate lying, and it's fairly unconvincing anyway). There is a third option between a blatant lie, and explaining why you think their souffle is so terrible. Make a noncommital answer. Sometimes you can just nod your head and go "mmm". It helps if you do your social smile at the same time. Beleive it or not this works a huge amount of the time becuase the person starts talking again and 99% of the time, they don't care, and weren't listening for your answer anyway. (Occasionally somebody will dig deeper, or if they know you, they would probably be able to tell you were reacting negatively even if you faked the nice response so it's not worth it. But in most social situations people REALLY do not care).

151. If you thought of something really funny, in advance (or maybe after a previous conversation that you wish you'd said at the time) and are looking for an opening to say it, DON'T. It will not have the desired effect. The only time you should say it is if it was immediate and you said it at the exact moment it came to you (rare). Any attempt to insert it naturally after the fact will come off really awkward and you may even laugh yourself but, and everybody else will just look uncomfortable becuase of the timing.

152. When a group of people are talking and they mention some person by name, and other people seem to know who this is, don't ask who it is or say you have no idea who it is. It is better to deflect the question. Otherwise this will inevitably turn into "I can't beleive you don't know who this is! Don't/didn't you ever watch X tv program, etc etc." And now the conversation is about your awkwardness, plus you are very close to revealing that you couldn't care less about this celebrity/tv star. Plus if it becomes a pattern, certain people might guess that you don't know who these people are and stop the conversation to ask you directly so they can make fun of you.

153. If your friend is upset (possibly with you) and they won't tell you why, don't keep asking and asking. Some people will never tell you. Other people will tell you when they feel better, if you bring it up again later. But a lot of people will just get even more irritated if you will not rest until you get it straightened out. I don't mean don't ask at all, but try to refrain from digging at it constantly if they are not willing to explain at that time.

154. If you are able to fake some kind of NT behavior when pressed, don't turn it on too suddenly around people who are familiar with your usual behavior. For example: When I was in driving school we were getting to the end of the course and the teacher told me that I was scoring well on everything, I had all the technical aspects down, but she just didn't feel that I was confident enough on the road, that I always seemed to be lacking in that and so she didn't know if she was comfortable graduating me. Now, I knew the driving stuff but I was a quiet participant in the class, serious expression, etc, and people were always saying I looked insecure, sad, etc. I'd gotten this comment many times from my mother, her friends, relatives, and so on asking what was wrong with me, so I was already accostomed to the idea of "faking" certain nt behavior at that point, it was just so exhausting (and usually seemed pointless) that I did not generally bother. Anyway, I really needed my license and I knew I could do it for half an hour or so of driving. As soon as I got behind the wheel, I turned it on. I had my smile and my fake NT mode that nowadays I usually only bother using for job interviews. To say the teacher was suprised is an understatement. She was also suspicious. I asked her if I was "exuding confidence" enough now, and she hesitantly said yes but I could see she was wondering what the heck happened and she asked me about it, but all I could say was she told me she wanted me to be more confident. She couldn't find any fault so she did graduate me. But it can be a problem with people you have met before or will meet again, since you probably can't keep it up for very long (at least, I can't. Nor want to.). If you switch on and off too noticeably people will become suspicious or realize you are faking, or worse, wonder why you are so much "worse" the rest of the time.

155. And here is a rule from Epictetus which I really like!
If someone tells you that another person has spoken ill of you, do not make excuses, but say "He must have been ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these alone".

156. Most (as in nearly ALL) people don't want to start a casual conversation on the topic of the average IQs of the inhabitants of Sub-Saharan Africa. Don't use conversation starters like this when speaking to NTs.

157. Don't ever say anything to a pregnant woman about her body.

That's correct. Its called nonverbal language. When the persons makes eye contact with other persons or with you, he is asking if you agree with him. If the person is sitting besides you then even his turning his head towards you, by just 90 degree, means he wants you to agree with him and you should (or an NT) nod without looking at him (without turning your head ) otherwise it would seem that you are being too sycophantic.
I have asperger's but I am very advance in language and reading mind because of my bad experience that forced me to learn all this analytically and also had innate tendencies for punnig ,rhyming and humour (based upon literall logic) far better that NTs.
I want to start a thread on Language Skills to teach aspies language (semantics). To explain that how we all have a sociall brain of 2-4 year old.

Last edited by daspie on 22 Aug 2010, 11:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

This is a variant of a tip offered on the first page.

158. If you are working at a retail store, and a customer asks, "how are you," or "what's up?," they do not want to hear any actual answer. Do not say "Oh, I'm just sitting here bored." Just answer "Hello, how are you?" Since the question is just one of social necessity and not born out of actual curiousity, replacing the answer with hello will not bother anybody.

159. Follow these rules when you have to (to keep your job, for example). The rest of the time, seek out those who like you in spite of your issues so you can be yourself. Everyone has quirks, even NTs. There's no joy in spending your life trying to "pass" as someone/something you're not.

160. When an employee in a shop says, "Hi, how are you?", it's okay to just say, "Hi," in response. They don't even care that you totally ignored the question!

Rule 161
If you really have trouble with eye contact, you don't have to look the person in the eye. Look them in the nose or between the eyes. If you do it enough times, it will become muscle memory and everyone will think you're giving them eye contact.
I know it's easiar to not do eye contact, but for some reason, Neurotpicals need it. Without it, they don't trust you. If you do it, they'll feel like your engaged in the conversation and that your making a connection. Compared to all the other hoops you have to jump through in socialization, keeping eye contact is definetly worth it because it pays off and is much more important then almost any other one skill.

About eye-contact: during a face-to-face conversation you can also look at the lips of the person who's talking OR at their hand gestures if any made; it will also make him/her think that you are listening (though, an eye contact, even at briefest, is still an essential part of any social interaction)
When you occasionally need to stop eye-contact, you can roll your eyes up little bit and to a side, and go "hmm" or "I dont know" or "maybe" if it fits the conversation - as if you were thinking.

Have some say
If you are in a group with NTs or aspies and a topic comes up which is one of your special interests, don't argue vociferously and give long winded one sided talk, just make an opinion. If the topic is not of your interest then make up something on it and have some say. It will be appreciated, even if people knew that you are making it up that's what most NTs do afterall, than sitting idle.

Don't make "funny" comments in front of bosses, teachers, persons of authority etc.Writing from personal experience, we don't get indirect meaning of what we are saying, we don't even get what a 3-4 years old get that whatever is being said is also directed at us! I have teachers who once appreciated me for the answers that I gave in class getting rude with me because of my habit of making witty comments and not knowing their indirect meaning. Although this has helped me learn the language and now I can very well pass off as NTs. But still it is not recommended.

Curbing your impulsivity
If you have some plans on your mind and you are too excited about it, then don't share your excitement with everyone and go on telling everyone wildly about your plans.It is much more important to realize if you have ADHD (hyperactive impulsive type) like I do. If it doesn't work out then you will be left embarrased. Some people, with animosity with you, may try to harm your plans in some way or take advantage of it. Lets say by deliberately keeping you busy with some other thing.
For e.g. I saw a new gym and it was much better than the one I was using and I went mad about describing it to the people in that gym. It first of all indicated to those people that I am going to leave that gym, this may give an upper hand to people because they know that I'm gonna leave that gym so now my importance is reduced. If they do something ot me, behave badly etc., I would not enough time to avenge that. The "neighbour effect" has gone, you don't like to mess with your neighbour as you know that you have to live with them.
Secondly, I came off as touting for that gym which was not my objective, i was just so smitten by the conditions of that gym that I thought it was important to tell other people my experiences. Other people can tell those who have animosity with you (to take revenge with you since you are going now) to get brownie points from them.
Sometimes it is important to let other know about your plans,it may benefit them. For e.g. if you are changing your apartment to a good place then you may wanna tell your room mate or other close friends about it but even here don't tell every person.

Last edited by daspie on 02 Sep 2010, 12:48 am, edited 5 times in total.

Don't ask any one about the work they are doing in a judgemental manner or perhaps even otherwise. I have irked people by asking-"When they are getting their PhD?". It frustrated them instead of thinking that they have someone who cares about them. It is much more important to realize this point when you yourself having a bad time, which we are more likely to due to social reasons.

Last edited by daspie on 28 Aug 2010, 1:39 am, edited 5 times in total.

Be strong physically because we have a social mind of a 3-4 years old and we irk people by our behaviour which is due to lack of empathy.
If you are weak then some people (about 1 in 10) may take revenge by accosting.
This may also be important for women although not as important as that for men.

Learn intonation. I have seen that my learning of intonation and that of classical singing (by hearing such music) has come at nearly the same time. Therefore I guess it would be helpful to hear and rehearse classical singing (the pitch, prosody etc) to learn intonation.

Last edited by daspie on 27 Aug 2010, 3:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

-Don't bring your special interest up to strangers unless they invite you to do so.
-It's inappropriate to follow someone around a room.
-If people don't want to be around you don't talk to them.
-Laugh when everybody else does but don't be too obvious about it.
-Don't get upset about conversations being changed to mundane topics.
-When people ignore what you have to say try to avoid freaking out.
-Don't call your friends your minions. (or any equally devaluing terms)
-For every time you talk about yourself ask someone else a question about themselves and show interest. (but not exaggerated interest)
-Don't pretend to be into something that you're not unless the conversation calls for it.
-Keep your sentences less than a minute long.
-Don't act too excited about anything.
-Don't make a scene out of your emotions.
-Don't rant about the same topic over and over again.
-Not everything can be related to your special interest.
-Not everything can be related to you.
-Most people don't want the truth so don't give it to them.
-Don't call or email someone more than twice in a row.
-Don't talk to people who ignore you.

Note: the majority of these tips are only important in business situations. Nobody should ever force themselves to act in an unnatural way unless it will benefit them as an individual.

If you fear someone then you cannot look at the person in the eyes. Try to get the picture of the person and stare at it, or stare at the person who has similar face (sometimes you can get such a person!) or stare at the person him/herself. This scenario occurs if you are bullied by someone, writing by experience. When we or NT fear someone we fear their eyes! Build your body and then beat the NT out of your bullies

Last edited by daspie on 30 Aug 2010, 2:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

I am not an NT but I dated someone who had Aspergers and ADD. Things he didn't do that I wish he would have:

1) ASK about the other person. Conversations are reciprocal. If your non-NT partner or friend asks you a question, don't just endlessly talk about yourself and never return it. Say "how about you?" or ask them a similar question.

2) ASK small-talk questions. Such as "How was your day?" or "What did you do today?" If a person is sick, ask them how they are feeling. If someone is upset, ask them the same. If someone is sad, pay attention to them and let them know you are there if they want someone to listen. In all the above scenarios, ask what you can do to make them feel better, if anything. Asking questions lets other people know you are interested in them and their experience.

3) Don't be too afraid to make a move. On my second date with my boyfriend (which, by the way, if she agreed to a second date she's interested in some level) failed to hold my hand or even put his arm around me while we sat on the beach. I interpreted this lack of physical touch to mean he wasn't interested. It was only at the end of the night when I hugged him and gave him a peck that he went in for the kiss, in a parking garage. Know that if given the option of kissing in a garage or kissing on a beach, the beach is more romantic and a better choice. Prior to trying to kiss a girl, show her interest on the date by holding her hand at some point and/or putting your arm around her. If she allows you to do that and she's comfortable with it, then she's open to a kiss later.

4) Make eye contact sometimes.

5) COMPLIMENT her. Compliments aren't about someone wanting attention or being insecure, girls love to feel like they are cared about and desired by the person they are interested in. Tell her she's beautiful every now and then, even complimenting her hair or outfit is acceptable. Compliments make people feel good, don't be afraid of them.

6) When communicating, either by e-mail, phone, or text, make at least some part of the conversation personal. For example, don't just text your partner when you want to report something, like a news article you just read. Instead of just sharing facts and impersonal information, also use that communication time to ask her something about herself or to see how she is going.

7) If you notice something she doesn't, such as a shady situation, take it upon yourself to tell her about it so that it appears you are looking out for her. My boyfriend noticed there was a dark car following us and didn't tell me, at the theater my car got broken into. He claimed he completely knew they would do something yet failed to act. If you really care about someone and their things, treat them like you would if it was you. Protecting the ones you love is caring.

If you know your partner isn't interested in a topic, don't force them to listen to it. I am not into stocks but my boyfriend was and he prefaced his discussion about it with 'I know you don't care about this but...' and talked for 30 minutes about something I didn't understand and wasn't interested in. I wouldn't have done this to him. Same with movies, tv shows, etc. If you partner isn't interested in something, don't force it upon them. Force is not a good thing.

9) If you have done something to upset your partner, find out what it was and apologize, even if it was unintentional. You may not understand why someone was upset about something but if it prompted that strong a reaction, smooth over the ruffled feathers by apologizing and finding out what it was so you don't do it again.

10) SHARE YOURSELF. If your partner asks about your disorder or your experiences, be honest about it. If she's asking, she cares and wants to understand. It's to your benefit that she does.

11) Don't lie. My boyfriend had this nasty habit of rearranging the details of a situation so he either didn't have to accept responsibility for a mistake or because he was trying to look like this perfect person so I would stay with him. Relationships aren't built on lies, they are built on truth. Don't lie or fake details, a person will eventually find out and no one wants to be lied to, especially by someone they trust and care about.

Good luck, everyone!