Aspergers and alcohol

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I appreciate a good beer, but I dislike actually being drunk. It's nice when I AM drunk, yeah, but it's not as enjoyable as total sobriety. I like being able to think and I like having my coordination intact.

I have $50 in hard liquor in my freezer, waiting for the day I need to grab my shotglass and go at it. It hasn't arrived yet after a year or so... They're mostly full.

I do indeed get regularly drunk or 'Smirnoffed' (as I call it, mostly because it's the only thing I will drink, usually mixed with Ice and Mineral water).

Why? Social isolation and loneliness.

I'm not sure whether I'm on the spectrum, but I'll share anyway. When I first started drinking, it was one of the first times I felt normal, and accepted in social situations. In fact, I felt downright popular. Getting shitfaced was an essential part of hanging out with friends. It was always a few people I liked from work, at someone's house, and things were very comfortable. Not only did I like the social aspects, but it also felt physically interesting. I remember getting this puffy feeling in my face that felt really cool, but that went away after a few months.

But the novelty wore off, and eventually, my behavior started getting inappropriate. I'm ashamed of this, because of how much it goes against my values, but I would often go on racist tirades, even with friends of that race (Jews and black people, in particular). I would never notice how hurtful that was until I got the texts the next morning. It's incredible I never got punched at a bar, but I did manage to get friends uninvited from a wedding for burning a Bible at a party for some reason.

So I no longer get drunk. I'll have a few drinks at work events to take the edge off, but I won't get drunk. Other than that, weed has become my drug of choice.

I deal with a lot of overwhelming stress and anxiety/depression. It helps me to feel unstressed, although I often become very emotional when drinking. It makes me feel neurotypical as well in the sense that I feel social and connected to people and that is what I imagine being neurotypical to be.

I drink when I can, maybe once every couple months when I am able to be home alone, but I think about drinking quite often at work and wish I could while working. I work alone usually.

I've never tried alcohol or any kind of substance. People think it's really weird and, honestly, it does make it nearly impossible to socialize as an adult, but the thought of anything interfering with my thinking completely freaks me out. I don't think I'll ever try anything.

I drink a glass of wine in the evening after I get home from an event.

Only when not in America. Doubt I'm a regular drinker anyway; wine is pretty expensive.