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Aspergers and victim complex

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Verdandi
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26 Apr 2014, 9:00 pm

League_Girl wrote:
It's more about trying to make their situation better so their life is easier and less frustrated. Lot of people see giving out a solution to their problem as lack of empathy and I have seen NTs this way too but only online. Isn't it an aspie thing to give out a solution to a problem than giving out emotional support? That is how we offer support.


It's both an autistic and an NT thing to sometimes give practical advice as support.

It's both an autistic and an NT thing to sometimes just want validation instead of or at least before practical advice.

That said I think that people don't need to lash out at advice.



btbnnyr
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26 Apr 2014, 9:12 pm

To some autistic people like me, validation and emotional support are of low ot no importance in functioning, which is why I don't give those, because I can't empathize with the feeling of needing validation from others and emotional support over something practical for solving problems.


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Verdandi
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26 Apr 2014, 9:17 pm

btbnnyr wrote:
To some autistic people like me, validation and emotional support are of low ot no importance in functioning, which is why I don't give those, because I can't empathize with the feeling of needing validation from others and emotional support over something practical for solving problems.


Yeah, I get it. I'm not saying anyone should be required to offer emotional validation.

I think people should at least understand that practical advice is support.



billiscool
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26 Apr 2014, 9:26 pm

Verdandi wrote:

I'm not, but given that there are so many and they all seem to have very similar sob stories, it makes me wonder. Especially in the context of a society where women are routinely objectified as sex objects.


actually their a small percent of men(up to 5%)they just
over represent online male community.Kinda of
like how''popular''ladies over represent online female community.

men with dating problem are more likely to post
online compare to women with dating problem.

and women with dating success are more likely
to post online compare to men with dating success



Verdandi
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26 Apr 2014, 9:31 pm

billiscool wrote:
actually their a small percent of men(up to 5%)they just
over represent online male community.Kinda of
like how''popular''ladies over represent online female community.

men with dating problem are more likely to post
online compare to women with dating problem.

and women with dating success are more likely
to post online compare to men with dating success


I am not saying all men do this. I am saying that men with dating problems have a particular habit for locating the cause for those difficulties outside themselves. Like, OliveOilMom's example is humorous, but it's not far from the reality.



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26 Apr 2014, 9:40 pm

Verdandi wrote:

I am not saying all men do this. I am saying that men with dating problems have a particular habit for locating the cause for those difficulties outside themselves. Like, OliveOilMom's example is humorous, but it's not far from the reality.


well some guys are just hated by women for various reason.
Looks,social status,body odor. Don't blame sexism.Alot
of sexist guys get GF. Throw that reason out.



Verdandi
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26 Apr 2014, 9:56 pm

billiscool wrote:
Verdandi wrote:

I am not saying all men do this. I am saying that men with dating problems have a particular habit for locating the cause for those difficulties outside themselves. Like, OliveOilMom's example is humorous, but it's not far from the reality.


well some guys are just hated by women for various reason.
Looks,social status,body odor. Don't blame sexism.Alot
of sexist guys get GF. Throw that reason out.


Okay, that doesn't have anything to do with what I was saying. I wasn't saying men can't get dates because of misogyny (although that's true for some, I have no doubts). I am saying that sexist guys who can't get dates love to blame women, or insist that women have it easier because guys are easy or whatever.

This is a digression, and like, I am sorry if what I wrote has you stirred up, but can we let it go now?



billiscool
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26 Apr 2014, 10:04 pm

Verdandi wrote:

Okay, that doesn't have anything to do with what I was saying. I wasn't saying men can't get dates because of misogyny (although that's true for some, I have no doubts). I am saying that sexist guys who can't get dates love to blame women, or insist that women have it easier because guys are easy or whatever.

This is a digression, and like, I am sorry if what I wrote has you stirred up, but can we let it go now?


of course sexist guys who can't get dates are going to blame women.
their sexist,you expect sexist guys to go''wow,that woman rejected
me,she's awesome''



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26 Apr 2014, 10:16 pm

League_Girl wrote:
It's more about trying to make their situation better so their life is easier and less frustrated. Lot of people see giving out a solution to their problem as lack of empathy and I have seen NTs this way too but only online. Isn't it an aspie thing to give out a solution to a problem than giving out emotional support? That is how we offer support.


I don't know I have aspergers and I sometimes might suggest possible solutions or options they may not have considered, but sometimes I also just attempt to be supportive or if I can relate to their situation I might mention that...as sometimes people find it helpful knowing others have some understanding of what they are going through.

So no I don't think giving out solutions is the only way aspies can offer support to others, maybe that is the case with some and nothing wrong with that, but they probably shouldn't be pushy about it if the person doesn't find that approach helpful at that time.


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Verdandi
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26 Apr 2014, 10:32 pm

billiscool wrote:
Verdandi wrote:

Okay, that doesn't have anything to do with what I was saying. I wasn't saying men can't get dates because of misogyny (although that's true for some, I have no doubts). I am saying that sexist guys who can't get dates love to blame women, or insist that women have it easier because guys are easy or whatever.

This is a digression, and like, I am sorry if what I wrote has you stirred up, but can we let it go now?


of course sexist guys who can't get dates are going to blame women.
their sexist,you expect sexist guys to go''wow,that woman rejected
me,she's awesome''


Also, guys are sexist as a general rule, so.



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26 Apr 2014, 10:47 pm

Verdandi wrote:

Also, guys are sexist as a general rule, so.


I don't understand



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26 Apr 2014, 11:49 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
It's more about trying to make their situation better so their life is easier and less frustrated. Lot of people see giving out a solution to their problem as lack of empathy and I have seen NTs this way too but only online. Isn't it an aspie thing to give out a solution to a problem than giving out emotional support? That is how we offer support.


I don't know I have aspergers and I sometimes might suggest possible solutions or options they may not have considered, but sometimes I also just attempt to be supportive or if I can relate to their situation I might mention that...as sometimes people find it helpful knowing others have some understanding of what they are going through.

So no I don't think giving out solutions is the only way aspies can offer support to others, maybe that is the case with some and nothing wrong with that, but they probably shouldn't be pushy about it if the person doesn't find that approach helpful at that time.


I struggle with showing empathy and will give out solutions but I also just try to make people feel good by talking to them. Sometimes people just want you to listen. I'm no expert in it though.


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27 Apr 2014, 12:01 am

pensieve wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
It's more about trying to make their situation better so their life is easier and less frustrated. Lot of people see giving out a solution to their problem as lack of empathy and I have seen NTs this way too but only online. Isn't it an aspie thing to give out a solution to a problem than giving out emotional support? That is how we offer support.


I don't know I have aspergers and I sometimes might suggest possible solutions or options they may not have considered, but sometimes I also just attempt to be supportive or if I can relate to their situation I might mention that...as sometimes people find it helpful knowing others have some understanding of what they are going through.

So no I don't think giving out solutions is the only way aspies can offer support to others, maybe that is the case with some and nothing wrong with that, but they probably shouldn't be pushy about it if the person doesn't find that approach helpful at that time.


I struggle with showing empathy and will give out solutions but I also just try to make people feel good by talking to them. Sometimes people just want you to listen. I'm no expert in it though.


one thing i've learned to do to help people i know when they're feeling down on themselves (if they want more than just a sympathetic ear, and it can be hard to tell when those times are so i usually try to remember to ask outright) is to remind them of their individual strengths that they might not be aware of or aren't able to recognise themselves when they're depressed or just stuck in a negative perspective--or i will just remind them of the reasons why i like them or what i think makes them a good person (i try to think of individual specific things that only apply to them so they know i'm not just giving them blanket compliments or blowing smoke up their ass).



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27 Apr 2014, 12:12 am

billiscool wrote:
Verdandi wrote:

I am not saying all men do this. I am saying that men with dating problems have a particular habit for locating the cause for those difficulties outside themselves. Like, OliveOilMom's example is humorous, but it's not far from the reality.


well some guys are just hated by women for various reason.
Looks,social status,body odor. Don't blame sexism.Alot
of sexist guys get GF. Throw that reason out.


Body odor doesn't make you hate somebody, but it will make you not want to go out with them. If BO is a problem for you, for Christ's sakes, take a freaking shower or stop complaing about it. (I don't think you have posted about that so that's not to you, but to whoever it is who has the BO that is hampering their love life). Looks don't make you hate somebody either but it has an impact on whether or not you get a date. Social status can be changed somewhat by changing social groups or improving your social skills.

I also don't see where she blamed sexism for the problem. Saying "women are shallow because they won't date me because I stink, don't have a job, and spend all day online playing video games" isn't sexist, it's just batshit crazy. It's blaming an entire group for not doing something you want them to. To me, sexism is saying something like "Women can't do this job because it's a man's job" etc. I can see how sometimes you could say that because it's true, but not for most things. There are some jobs that require more physical strength than most women have so to say that a woman usually can't do that job is simply accurate and not sexist. When it's about a job that doesn't depend on something like that, such as accounting or law, etc, then it is sexist.


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27 Apr 2014, 12:16 am

billiscool wrote:
Verdandi wrote:

Okay, that doesn't have anything to do with what I was saying. I wasn't saying men can't get dates because of misogyny (although that's true for some, I have no doubts). I am saying that sexist guys who can't get dates love to blame women, or insist that women have it easier because guys are easy or whatever.

This is a digression, and like, I am sorry if what I wrote has you stirred up, but can we let it go now?


of course sexist guys who can't get dates are going to blame women.
their sexist,you expect sexist guys to go''wow,that woman rejected
me,she's awesome''


OK, so if sexist guys who cant get dates blame women does that mean you are sexist? Cause you sure as hell blame women left and right. You are actually one of the guys who post here about how you either can't get dates because of women/AS/society and then turn around and post about how good you are with the ladies. So, are you sexist or are women just horrible, shallow people who have all conspired against you?


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27 Apr 2014, 12:22 am

Verdandi wrote:
billiscool wrote:
Verdandi wrote:

Okay, that doesn't have anything to do with what I was saying. I wasn't saying men can't get dates because of misogyny (although that's true for some, I have no doubts). I am saying that sexist guys who can't get dates love to blame women, or insist that women have it easier because guys are easy or whatever.

This is a digression, and like, I am sorry if what I wrote has you stirred up, but can we let it go now?


of course sexist guys who can't get dates are going to blame women.
their sexist,you expect sexist guys to go''wow,that woman rejected
me,she's awesome''


Also, guys are sexist as a general rule, so.


Where did you get that? I don't think guys are generally sexist. What is it that guys do that makes you think they are generally sexist? Is this going to be one of those things like holding the door open for you or offering to change your tire or standing up when you come into the room or something, or is it because guys look at girls boobs and butts and want to date a pretty girl over an ugly one, or is there a real reason?


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