Why The Hell Do People Say This?

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fiddlerpianist
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27 Jun 2009, 12:33 am

Callista wrote:

I don't know; she did mention that "things are bad; be glad you are not worse off", rather than, "be glad the world is nice enough to give you a roof over your head". The first one isn't as bad; it's more of a trite encouragement that doesn't really work than an ignorant accusation of being a useless individual.

That's right up there with your boss telling you, after you didn't get either a raise or a promotion, "Well, at least you have a job." Thanks, what a rousing endorsement of my capabilities.

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marshall
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27 Jun 2009, 1:30 am

hartzofspace wrote:

I was talking to a volunteer counselor, because I was upset with an error made by the housing authority's computation of my rent. They had informed me that they were raising it at least 4 times over what I had been paying.

She asked if I had phoned first, and I had. I told her that I spoken to a very rude, irate person who kept talking over me and contradicting me. I then said that I was planning to write a letter to the office, since I felt that it might be better to have all conversations be in writing.

Then, she said that things were tough all over, and why couldn't I be grateful for having a roof over my head. WTF? What in hell had that to do with my issue? Whether or not I feel a certain emotion about my home, has nothing to do with administrative errors that allow people to play fast and loose with my limited
income.

Why do people say things like this?

What a stupid b***h. I've had instances like this where I felt close to wanting to murder someone. Hopefully she loses her job soon.

crysthewolf
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27 Jun 2009, 1:31 am

hartzofspace wrote:

Greentea wrote:

In the case of someone asking for help/service, the motivation of a person is first and foremost to get out of having to work. This is pure human nature at work, and spotting it is pure ToM.

And when our Aspie blindness to the non-verbal is coupled with a history of invalidation of our problems from parents, the result is we're even more blinded to the non-verbal NT message.

Sorry for writing so long.

It wasn't too long. And I think you are right, about this person, because when I called her, she had to put me on hold a few times. She said that she was the only one in the office that day. So, she was feeling overwhelmed. And my NT friend said that it had sounded like this counselor was overwhelmed, and that this was why I had received such an inane response. Well, I have called the regional housing office, and was told point blank that the people at the local office are wrong with this increase, and what to do if I don't get a favorable response to my letter.

Good!!

Yeah, I can see now where she might be overwhelmed. It still feels frustrating that she'd say something like that though.

Last edited by crysthewolf on 27 Jun 2009, 4:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Greentea
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27 Jun 2009, 5:50 am

It's not frustrating anymore when one day it dawns on you that

birds chirp
dogs bark
cats meow
ducks quack
NTs give inane excuses

I mean, it's a language, used to communicate between them even if others don't understand them, like any other species'.

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crysthewolf
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27 Jun 2009, 10:02 am

Yeah, and I kinda get that, but it just seems so... I dunno... clumsy? Inefficient? Why go through life with all of these masks and all of these faces and all of the platitudes that people have for each other? Why not just say what you mean? Why hide behind all of these half-meanings?

I just don't get it.

AceOfSpades
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27 Jun 2009, 10:18 am

mechanicalgirl39 wrote:

For some reason, asking for help or complaining about something is terribly and utterly wrong.

Instead, you're supposed to think about all the people that are worse off than yourself.

Stupid illogical people.

Yeah, I'm f*****g tired of that BS excuse. Just because some one else might be in a worse situation, it doesn't justify trivializing any one else's. A problem is a problem, it doesn't shrink cuz someone else has it worse.

Matter of fact, I'm f*****g tired of BS cop outs in general. I have a pathological hate for em since I've had my problems dismissed too many times by em.

Should hospitals ignore people with broken legs cuz there are people in there with broken spines? They both need treatment; a broken bone is a broken bone

Greentea
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27 Jun 2009, 12:16 pm

crysthewolf wrote:

Why hide behind all of these half-meanings?

NTs hide behind these half-meanings, in the non-verbal, only when they can't afford to risk being quoted saying what they really mean. If she had said: "I've tons of more important work to do than what you're asking" (which is the real message the woman was communicating non-verbally), Hartz could've quoted her to her manager and she might have gotten in trouble.

There's perfect logic and a perfect reason for what NTs do. I think it's time Aspies start learning a bit about NTs, rather than continue forever focusing on the literal words, getting pissed off, ranting, and not looking beyond.

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AnnePande
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27 Jun 2009, 12:26 pm

serenity wrote:

hartzofspace wrote:

Callista wrote:

Well, the way she said it, was "I'm not trying to invalidate your problems, but things are tough for a lot of people now, and lots of people are homeless. You should be thankful you have a roof over your head."

The reason it angered me, was that if I don't get this problem cleared up, my roof is threatened. I can't afford the rent that they are trying to charge me, and this program is supposed to prevent me having to pay more than I can afford. I felt like she was accusing me of merely being ungrateful, and not trying to advocate for myself.

I seriously doubt that most people could afford to pay 4 times more than what they're paying currently for rent/mortgage payment. That's just an insane increase in payment.

Her response kinda reminds of when people say 'think of the starving kids in Africa!'. That's never made me feel any better about my own problems, and I've never understood why people say it.

Yeah, I've always thought: but should the starving kids get full of my thinking of them, or how should it help? And why is it always children, and Africans, we are to think of - what about the starving old people in the slum of India that we never think of?

(Kind of aspie logic / literality, I think.)

samtoo
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27 Jun 2009, 12:32 pm

I see nothing wrong with what you said... some people are just... stupid I guess... or corrupt.

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27 Jun 2009, 12:39 pm

Greentea, I like you're approach, it's very similar to the one I have to take with most call centre type situations. What they seem to forget is that it is their job, the thing that gives them the money to keep a roof over their heads, to sort out my problem, and to sort it out quickly and efficiently.

Greentea
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27 Jun 2009, 1:35 pm

Yes, it's their job. But people aren't perfect. Some are more diligent than others. Especially nowadays, you can't expect much diligence from an employee, when diligence is little valued in the workplace anymore, in favor of fitting in with the corporate culture.

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crysthewolf
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27 Jun 2009, 4:28 pm

Greentea wrote:

crysthewolf wrote:

Why hide behind all of these half-meanings?

sorry, but that feels like a bit of an overgeneralization to me, both about Aspies and about NT's.

crysthewolf
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27 Jun 2009, 4:30 pm

Greentea wrote:

While that might be true to a degree, I can and will expect diligence from someone in that kind of position. And when I don't get it, I will complain to whomever is available to complain to who can do something about it. No one's asking for perfection... but this behavior is out and out negligence.

Greentea
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27 Jun 2009, 4:31 pm

Of course it's not fair. But society is not about fairness, it's about survival and competition, especially when it's work that's at stake.

Besides, don't forget that if Hartz was an NT, she would've been perfectly content with that kind of indirect talk by the counselor. NTs do this to each other all the time and they agree that's the best way to keep society a smooth place to live in. They call it politeness and white lies. See my recent thread about it, "Bluntness and honesty vs. politeness and white lies" for some genuine, heart-wrenching NT testimonies.

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crysthewolf
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27 Jun 2009, 4:34 pm

Greentea wrote:

*cocks eyebrow* I know plenty of NT's who would be extremely displeased with this sort of behavior.

And no one said that society was about fairness, but that doesn't mean just sitting around and saying "Well oh well, there's nothing we can do about this so we might as well just accept it, it's just the way things are." Fact is that yes, some people are going to be jerks. That doesn't make it alright.

And again, I know plenty of NT's who would be incredibly displeased with this behavior. The woman blithely brushed off hartz's concerns. Few people, NT or Aspie, would appreciate that.

hartzofspace
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27 Jun 2009, 4:43 pm

Greentea wrote:

That's my sentiment, exactly. It seems that people don't find any particular value in doing a job well. And if you complain, they use the excuse that they aren't paid enough, that nobody else in the office does a good job, so why should they. Or today is Saturday, and I want to go fishing. They don't seem to grasp the concept that a job well done reflects positively on them, and that if they ever want a better job that pays more, they had damn well better fix their attitude.

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