Why is it that when "they" do something....

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Oh, I've been here quite a while on/off and have always asked a lot of questions, so don't worry about that My old username was nobodyzdream (the avatar of the zipper on the eyeball that used to freak everyone out so I'd change it on/off, lol), if you remember that. I was always full of all kinds of silly questions all the time, lol.

I left the forum for a while when the NT/AS wars were getting pretty bad, but it seems to have calmed down quite a bit from what I can see It's good to be back.

It sounds that you may have learned to believe having lesser social skills than most makes you lower status. I realize your bf is being helpful to your understanding of social rules, but the recent incident was just a pure assertion of dominance.

Not inviting you ever, & you getting lectured for not inviting him one time is a double standard. These can only exist if one person is higher than another, and both people quitely agree. You shouldn't believe for one second that your shortcoming gives you any less right to meet his friends than it does for him to meet yours.

Sounds like you're trying way to hard to justify this incident. Try reading your story from an objective point of view & see if this sounds like an equal deal.

Yes, I can see that, but I can see the friends thing from his pov either. I have 2 children, one is also an aspie, the other is... normal and very mean, hyper, etc.

None of his friends have children yet, so he is worried they aren't up for the chaotic experience, lol.

Which is understandable. I have been getting onto him about it though, as my friend has mentioned she is willing to babysit.... so we will see how that goes over time.

5 years is a very long time, but I dunno... after hearing a lot of his conversations with them on the phone, I'm not quite sure I'm ready to meet them either, lol.

I'm pretty sure lately he's been debating taking us to meet one of his friends who recently had a baby though... so that might change soon enough.

I just don't get why he was getting onto him about not inviting him, when a few nights ago I was gonna make the blasted tacos, and he chose something else instead, lol. Why didn't he just let me make the tacos that night, why is it a big deal now?

But most of all... why did he throw a fit about me not inviting him to begin with when all he was going to say anyway was "no thank you".

Oh, and we worked that out this morning after me interrogating to try to make sense of it. He's also inviting me to the next big upcoming event of his friend's wedding.

So it's a start. He's always been very "my friends are my friends and your friends are your friends". Some people are just like that, and I kind of accepted it.

But all this over some stupid tacos? lol, that is what got me going.

I do know it's not an equal thing as far as friends and such go... always have known that, and have gotten kind of annoyed by it several times, making it loud and clear that it doesn't make any sense.

I mean, if we were to get married or something, would it still be that way? I have a hard time getting through that, but also understand he is quirky like me in some ways.

It was just that it was over tacos I was getting so annoyed by.

Quite true, but wouldn't say that our logic is unblemished, would require us to have no emotion for it to be so, but at same time I understand you wrote this has a trigger to help other heighten self-esteem, so in that aim I admit that this formulation can be kept.


Myself I never doubted the health of my logic (was gonna say doubted my logic but that formulation would have been wrong since real logic should always be doubted since it change if proof come to show it to be wrong), most of my doubt come from wanting to fit a bit better in society (I know all the work is not mine to be done, but denying I don't have some to do would be wrong also // also don't really like to use society in this sense, but cannot think of better word).

Last edited by iniudan on 06 Aug 2009, 5:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah, I think that is where my bf and I get into it so much. I don't want to be like everyone else, or think like them, but it sure would be nice to be able to do things somewhat naturally-small things, without needing someone to remind me to do them. It sure helps things go more smoothly when I do have to go outside of the house. Unfortunately, it's my need to understand WHY they do it that holds me back.

When someone tells me "this is just what people do", that isn't logical enough for me. I don't doubt the way I think, I generally will argue it tooth and nail and just never cave into it, unless it's REALLY REALLY bothering someone and it's obviously causing strain somehow. Then I try, but I don't always remember or just do things-always have to be reminded.

When my boyfriend walks into the door, it's always "can I get a hug before you run off?" lol. At least he's willing to accept I'm different and isn't forcing me... but when I get to venting about it, his instinct is to fix the problem and try to explain it.

Plenty of times, NTs do rude things.
There's a certain extent to which they'll use your AS against you, claiming that they weren't doing anything rude and that you don't realize that it's not rude just because you have AS. It may not be entirely intentional. They might do something and not think about it, and then later when you tell them that it upset you, they tell you that it's normal because they don't want to take the blame for something. People try to turn things around on other people all the time; you're just more vulnerable to it because you're not as sure of what is and isn't ok. It's not as though NTs never cause accidental offense. They just do it a bit less often, or a bit less obviously, or turn it around on others more proficiently. Or it just doesn't bother them to offend people.
AS vs NT isn't totally black and white. It's not like NTs always read things correctly and people with AS never do. There are lots of misunderstandings between NTs. Frequently what happens is that they just blame somebody else.

That why I try to tell everyone that come to listen to me enough (too bad those are few) to just tell me calmly if I start to get bothersome when I try to communicate for I admit I prefer to leave a conversation topic unfinished then having to deal with high and/or hard to read emotion that it could trigger in other.

This thread describes a theory as to why this seems to be the case.

For what it's worth, I can't figure out why he's upset, either. I would have done the same thing you did in the situation. I certainly wouldn't burden someone with an invitation to something if I have no reason to think they'd enjoy it or want to attend.

As for not knowing your boyfriend's friends after five years -- I was married for 12 years and never met any of my husband's friends. He never offered to introduce me and it never occured to me to ask. I wasn't really that interested. Although we did have some mutual friends, they were mostly people I'd introduced to him.

Same here... I've overheard conversations and am just like of like "meh... I'll meet them one day." I wonder if I pushed hard enough if he would invite me, but I'm not motivated to push that hard really.

I just find it odd that he was upset over not getting invited for stupid tacos, when he never invites me to meet friends or anything like that, lol. He knows all of my friends (my whole one friend and the others I talk to once every 5 years or so from high school).