How to explain things about your AS child to others...

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If he hits her back they could end up getting into fist fights. Maybe some time apart would be good? If they start hitting each other every time they are together and one is getting seriously injured why are they playing together in the first place? It sounds harsh but safety is the most important thing here.

I'm sorry to say this, since this person is someone you identify as a good friend, but if your 'friend' has absolutely no respect for your house rules, neither will her daughter. I've had to live with a child whose mother just sat there and watched while he broke rules. I found out later that she actually told the child that my rules were stupid and he didn't have to follow them.

The only way to break this pattern is to tell your friend -- preferably sometime when the children aren't present as a distraction -- that this isn't a situation that can be tolerated any longer and that if she can't begin to show some respect for you and your rules while in your home, then she won't be invited back. Period. Tell her that you have enjoyed her company up to now and will be sad to have to end your more intimate association, but that her behavior and that of her daughter are endangering your son's health and well-being and can't be tolerated. If, however, she can begin to govern her daughter's behavior appropriately, then they will be more than welcome. Then stick to it. The decision will be entirely hers. If she decides she can't be respectful, then she was never your friend to begin with.

Oh definitely, that's why I'm working on the bad behavior, but I need the other children in the house to abide by the same rules when it's going on as well, or it's a lost cause. "Why can everyone else hit, but I'm gettin in trouble every time I do it?" or "What's the use in not hitting people when they are doing it to me anyway?"

He does a lot of odd things at times-lately, things that have just floored me because they are so out of his nature. Last night, he threw a lego structure he made the other day at his ceiling an, and guess what happened? His light wouldn't work after that. He comes to me, crying, because he hates the dark. I just looked at him and said "natural consequences". He then asked what I meant by that, and I told him, "You got mad, you threw your legos at it, now it won't work. You just made your own punishment by not trying to control your frustration and will now be without light until somebody can fix it." Needless to say, I don't think he is going to be throwing things at the light when angry anymore since he needs to have it so badly for himself.

Later that night, I thought he'd calmed down, and was talking about how well he handled it after he realized that mommy wasn't gonna fix it immediately and make it all better, or excuse him from doing it in the first place... while I was talking to another parent about it, he knocked down his sister for no reason, and started jumping up and down on her back and head. He doesn't seem to grasp things if I just tell him "you could hurt her very badly" or "you could cause brain damage to her by jumping on her head like that", so he got to sit and watch youtube videos of people with brain injuries recovering from them... having to relearn to eat and all.

Excellent idea, explains what could happen really well. (the youtube idea)

Thank you all for your responses, they have given me quite a bit to think about.

I do think I need to sit down with the mother and at least tell her I need her back up on these issues. When I tell the children to stop, she will nod, and agree and all, but doesn't come out and say anything to her daughter herself.

I've often told her that my son is overwhelmed and may be a little aggressive beforehand when she wants to come over, but I have a room he can go into when it happens to play his DS and calm down, or play with legos and whatnot.

I started thinking about it tonight and was trying to figure out her logic. She has always been big on this "my daughter needs to learn to respect adults in their households" and stuff like that, so I wonder if that is why I do all of the discipline and she stays out of it when they are at my house. She wants her daughter to learn to respect me... but the problem is the daughter only does to some extent, lol.

I think I just need to sit down with her, and tell her that I really need her backup on these things, I need her to be more vocal about it and all when it comes to her own daughter... and I need to explain to her also, I can yell at my kid all day long and not feel bad about it, but it's not as easy with another person's kid, especially when the child doesn't seem to be respecting the rules.

I think I will talk to her tonight on the phone after the kids go to sleep and see if we can come up with some mutual ideas on how to control it, and maybe even write up a list of the rules...

See, with my son I use a lot of "social stories", and I'm thinking of attempting to teach her mother how to use them as well since they are a big part of our household. That way, it's written down, and she reads it as a reminder before entering my house. Heck, both of the children can read them together before playing.

It would list the rules of the house and all, the consequences if it happens, and why these things are not good altogether anyway. I do think her daughter is a lot like my son (she seems a little slower and pretty quirky as well as extremely spoiled)... and it may benefit.

For those of you who are not familiar with social stories, this is an example of what it might look like:
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Title: Today, I am going to play with my friend Zack. (or Lilia, in my son's story's case)

1. When I am over there, there are several rules that I am supposed to follow.

2. Sometimes it is hard for me to follow the rules.

3. The important rules that I need to follow are:

No hitting.
No bothering someone if they do not want to be bothered.
No back talking to adults.

4. When these problems arise, the things I need to remember are:

Tell an adult if rough housing begins before doing anything back.
Go to another room if I begin to feel angry so I do not hurt anybody.
Be respectful and follow directions when an adult is talking to me.
Remember to use my words and explain what is bothering me before reacting.

5. When I do not follow the rules, I get into a lot of trouble and may not be welcome back in
to my friend's home for a while.
When I do not follow the rules, I am sent home.

6. When I do not follow the rules and somebody gets hurt, my friend might not want to be friends with me anymore, or they may be scared of me and will not want me around. Or they may get hurt very very badly (for instance, a broken arm), and I would feel very sad, and so would they.

7. When I do not follow the rules, I get into a lot of trouble, and nobody has fun.

8. When I DO remember to follow the rules, sometimes I get special rewards, my friends like me, and we have a lot of fun. I also get invited back a lot more often when I follow the rules, and everybody is very happy with me.

Lesson: I need to remember to follow the rules if I want everybody to have fun, and want to be a good friend to others.
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I'm thinking of trying this before I finally just snap and cut ties, and have to make sure that she is in on this with me 100%.... which is often hard to tell with others one way or another.

But tonight I just got to thinking... this is one area we really haven't covered as a whole group as far as rules go, and it would be a new approach to the situation that both of them may comprehend much better, as it is a constant reminder of the good and bad things that happen when playing together.

Social stories have always worked very well for me with Zack alone in stores, and I use them often with my daughter.

I'm thinking... if the mom doesn't go along with this, then she is never going to go along with anything as time goes on, and that will be my answer right there as to how much to limit their play time together and whatnot.