Failure and Bottled Up Rage

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I used to feel like that all the time, but the anti-depressants I'm taking now seem to have killed it. Whether or not that's a positive thing, I'm not sure ...

About 10 years ago I started on an apprenticeship to become and electrician. I spent 5 years working and in school to get my license. They day I got my license the man who was my boss gave me a lay off and told me I would never make it as a journeyman electrician. I swore I wanted to kill him.

After that I spent nearly 11 months out of work. When I finally got back to work I started getting back into the swing of things. I slowly built up my confidence in my skills. I worked for a few different employers during that time. I never quite made it to the end of a job but, I never really thought I got laid off with malice.
About a month ago nearly 5 years after I turned out I was working for a company and I was getting transferred around to many different jobs. I was getting agitated because I have a hard time dealing with instability and uncertainty. The last job I got transferred to was a school job that was behind schedule due to the fact that they where trying to cram too much work into too short of a time frame. The day before I was sent out there 3 people walked off the job or got fired. I knew this job was going to be bad.

The day I arrived at the job I get there early for morning stretches. I'm chit chatting with a couple of the guys I know there and, I see someone walk on the job and into our job trailer. At first I can't recognized the person but, I can't stop staring at them either. Something in my brain is telling me I know them but, it just isn't registering. Finally after he talks to someone I recognize who he is. This is the guy who laid me off and told me I wouldn't make it 5 years ago. I had told myself before that if I ever saw him again I would leave but, the economy being the way it is I just decided to stay and stick it out.

The job itself was hell the supervisors where doing everything they could to blame any loss of time on the workers. In the end I got laid off with prejudice and, had to fight to get their comment removed from my record. Now I'm looking at another 11 months of unemployment. Last year I made $70k. This year will be lucky to make $15k. Couple that with the fact that I'm unsure what to do about this Asperger's thing. Yeah I feel like a failure.

In my oppinion.... Loosing weight can start out an emotionaly painful experiance for some of the reasons you mention. I mean, seeing those thin people, and feeling like a failure at the same time makes your displeasure make sence. I used to see thin girls at the jym, before I had to quit. "ok they were here longer than me... -.- $%^& then you had a job longer than me... "

(I have stretch marks to, by the way.) Looks aren't my thing though. Money status is. Like anyone can help feeling what makes us think "failure is (put type here)"

Ah self hate. It's all thanks to what our cultures pound, and force into our poor minds. Pretty much, when we are young and developing. Oh magazines, TV shows and other forms of "young and thin is the norm", $%@. Their BS is as abundant as the stars in the sky. We can't count them all.

*voted 'yes. All of the above"* I do think I am a failure alot. I kind of am one. I could list my fails, but it would make my reply a long one.

I don't really hate anything or even my self, I do sound depressed completely to people, and also when asked depression related question most people would determine I am completely suicidal, which is not the case. To be honest I would probably be more apt to go on a homicide spree as scary as that may sound (if my emotion ever just snapped from being bottled up). In all honesty though I true don't respond at all to things, failure or wins, don't get satisfaction out of completing anything, nor ticked off from not being able to complete something, it's not that I don't care either. it's just that I seem not to respond to those things. It's simply more of an analytical/logical thinking. Example it's like going to the museum of modern art and describe it like: it is a place that has painted surfaces, object made of different minerals, object represent things. Granted I could describe those object in detail, like a unicorn carved of jade, or face that had been divided and smeared into geometric symmetries painted in fresco. However, nothing I would say would have any tidbit of emotion the artist was trying to represent.

Yeah, I feel like a failure. I'm fat and ugly, I'm 20 years old and still don't drive, I pretty much have no real friends (and the ones I've had just use me cuz I don't stand up for myself and then leave me) and I've failed one of my college algebra classes twice.

I wish my parents had just thrown me away or abandoned me somewhere when I was a baby.

If there is one thing I've learned is to not focus on the past. I've made my share of stupid mistakes. Wishing I've done better in school. I just learned over time to focus on what I've got. We don't all start equel, so we gotta make the best of it. One thing I atleast enjoy is keeping in shape. Sure ill still look like crap. Ugly is ugly. But atleast being n shape is good also when I get older. Minimize risk of being dependant on others. But maybe it helps me that I'm a Dane. Everything in life seems to be about money. Job and status. Another reason I prefer solitude. I don't wanna go around being angry.

<-Failure here too, but still trying not to be. At 38, I still deliver pizza. I may make close to $20 an hour right now, but it comes with too much of a sacrifice. I work nights so even if I were to meet someone I would not be able to have a normal dating relationship. I have as close to no social life as is humanly possible while still having some human contact. My house is in a neighborhood that is in decline and not likely ever to come back. I have never had a girlfriend and get turned down every time I even try to get a date.

It's not all bad though. I am trying to finish stabilizing my life by the end of the year so that I can go back to college this spring. I'm hoping that I can make a change for the better after I get that done and that maybe I will have a chance to meet someone in school. It'll be hard though since I will be doing day classes and all of the people my age are typically there during night classes.

Wow, three years later and a couple of experiences older and wiser... It's weird to see my old post.

I didn't reach that goal I had set for myself, though. I came to the conclusion that I didn't want it badly enough. At this point, I no longer quite feel like a failure. Every night I go to sleep thinking "Huzzah! I made it through another day!" I've adopted a day-to-day carpe diem attitude, and it's working out for me fine. I don't have a lot of money or possessions, no career or education to speak of, but I muddle on regardless, and I derive much pleasure from living, exploring the world around me in my own haphazard way.

Yeah, sometimes I still feel envious of my peers who are 'more successful', but thankfully, that's getting less and less. Life's too short for me to spend entertaining such a petty emotion.

As for the original poster, Touch; last she posted on Wrong Planet, she was working on a paper, and didn't appear to be all too pessimistic. Let's hope things worked out for her.

I selected the second one, because these days more youngsters who I know still live at home because they can't afford to move out, also most youngsters who I know don't stay with their partners 5 minutes, and also I've been reading in the newspapers that young people aged between 18 and 25 are the most that are unemployed, so I don't really feel like a failure among my peers. And I don't call myself a failure just because I don't go to a bar every week-end and get drunk out of my head.

But I selected the second one, because I feel a failure among the general public. The way people stare at me, belittle me, intimidate me, and humiliate me make me feel like I'm a failure. Maybe I'm a failure at conforming, or presenting myself, or performing tasks, I don't know, I wish I could ask the next person who giggles at me to give me some honest feedback of what they'd like changed about me if I'm bothering that much, but I know that sort of thing doesn't work like that, they'd just laugh at me even more and I'll end up looking the stupid one.

You're only a failure if you think you are.

It's easy to start ruminating negatively and make yourself feel worse and worse. CBT teaches that feelings are directly linked to thoughts so that if you make your thoughts positive or neutral you won't feel nearly as bad as if you think about negative things.

For me, life is an up and down thing - sometimes you feel good other times you feel bad so it's best to try and distract yourself from bad thoughts by doing something you enjoy.

While I often don't feel as good as other people when out in public, when I get back inside the house I feel ok about myself. It's hardly surprising that we can be made to feel bad with NTs judging us for not conforming sufficiently most of the time - anyone would feel bad about that - it's all about how you interpret it to yourself though. I think I've done very well to cope with all the negative attitudes I've had to put up with; I see myself as a fighter and that I'm resilient. The average NT would be in a mental hospital, prison or dead by now if they'd had to tolerate the social rejection I have so I see myself as very strong-minded; certainly not a failure. It's very hard to deal with censure off society as a whole so I try and not be so hard on myself as NTs are on the dominant, winning side so that's certainly no victory for them as they aren't being challenged like us. So I try and let their attitudes slide off me as I know the truth of the matter.