What are non verbal cues?

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Good tips I usually said great lecture etc. WOW I didn't know that etc. (IMO I still have Loving to Learn behavior-definition- (Imagine your child saying I know how to spell Cat CAT you then praise the child etc.) Imagine Loving to Learn behavior in an adult WOW I learned X about Psychology (mom was like ya whatever I don't care to learn Psychology) So I fell back on the teacher WOW I didn't know about X topic that's interesting she'd said uh hu so IMO it seemed stupid too do looking back on it. Overall though this loving to learn behavior IMO if I did get back in College will not go away. Also great advice on losing face perhaps that was her issue me questioning her on things she didn't know. Also I feel perhaps she had space issues she'd lock her office door and that was her space (I invaded it daily to question her in Psychology.)

Probably just need to tone it down... sounds over-enthusiastic for an adult, which conveys possible set-up for getting taken advantage of to receiver. It was just a lecture... what are you up to? kind of feeling.



Oh geez... if you were being over the top with praise and daily bugging her, invading her space, she probably thought you were hitting on her. Dude! back off... it sounds like you may have been coming off as a major suck-up. Play it cool...

Wow I never saw it that way thanks.

Thank you.

It just seems like I end up writing posts that are (apparently) too long since the threads where I've posted about body language died.

I'll see if I can come up some more information for you.

First, racooneyes is correct. There is a lot of information that people present nonverbally, and to be accurate you have to be able to catch it all, simultaneously. It can definitely be overwhelming. I've spent quite a bit of time and effort learning this subject and still feel I'm far from being an "expert."

Aimless,

I'm in a similar situation. I'm pretty good at reading people, but I don't always know how to respond. I get by most of the time, and knowing how to read nonverbal cues helps. If you can figure out what a person means, by getting the big picture (verbal + nonverbal), it might help you formulate an appropriate response. I should also mention that I'm better at reading people when I can do so as an observer. Once I become engaged in conversation with someone I feel like my "reading" ability gets cut in half because instead of just reading nonverbals, I have to listen, too.

Marcia,

I don't know a lot about chronemics as there isn't a lot of material that I've been able to find. It more or less refers to how a person orients the events they're communicating in time. Some people have to tell a story from beginning to end. Others can jump around at different points in time. The biggest value is in detecting deception, as one of the easiest ways to catch someone in a lie is to ask them to tell you their story out of sequence. Most people who lie create a story that goes from beginning to end; if you ask them to start in the middle, or tell the story in reverse order, more often than not they won't be able to do so without considerable effort.

Vector,

I'm not sure where sub-vocalizations, as you describe them, fit. Personally, I would consider them vocal expressions, since the actor (to use your terminology) is creating sounds using the vocal chords. I would classify them the same as verbal expressions, just not using language. This would, of course, mean that they have paralinguistic qualities as there are ways to modulate grunts, hums, and similar vocalizations in terms of tone, volume, and pitch.

There're a few points that should be kept in mind.

*These techniques were developed for reading people who have more-or-less normal neurology. Any condition that could interfere with expressing nonverbals, such as an autism spectrum disorder, could significantly reduce the accuracy of the technique. The same can be said for those under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.

*As racooneyes said in her post, you can also use these techniques in reverse to project a desired impression. For example, I have a tendency to cross my arms when I'm standing. This is considered a defense gesture and creates the impression that I'm a closed person, in that I don't want to talk to someone or I've already made up my mind about something and won't change my opinion. Therefore, when I'm talking to people, especially people I need information from, I make sure I don't cross my arms (there's other things that can be done, but this post could end up being even lengthier than it is now).

*People watching can be very helpful in learning how to pick up the cues. I like to do this at malls. The biggest problem is that you can't get confirmation on your conclusions, at least not without upsetting a few people. "Excuse me, sir, but I noticed when you were holding hands with your wife her hand was in front. That means she's the dominant person in the relationship. Is this correct in your situation?" You're not likely to get the desired response. However, it does help with identifying the signals.

*Talk shows can be good homework, as well as reality shows. The way to get the most out of it, though, is to record the program without watching it. Then watch it with the sound turned off and see if you can read what's going on nonverbally. Take notes, if possible, including time markers. Then go back and watch it again with the sound on and see if your interpretations were correct, or at least close. This might also help you point out errors as well as confirm that you're on the right track. You don't really want to do this with scripted shows because the nonverbals are less trustworthy than talk/reality shows.

*You don't want to rely on any single gesture. You want to look for patterns that establish consistency of meaning, verbally as well as nonverbally. For example, someone who says she's glad to see you, while expressing a genuine smile and leaning slightly towards you, is probably expressing her true feelings. However, if she says she's glad to see you, while expressing a fake smile, leaning slightly away, with her arms crossed and one foot pointed towards the door, probably doesn't really like you.

*Nonverbals are often more consistent with a person's true feelings than their verbals.

*Always look for the context/big picture.

I should probably stop here. Specific gestures and their meaning would take several pages, preferably with pictures. Here are links to two threads where I posted quite a bit of information on nonverbals, including some book recommendations and a couple of YouTube clips that demonstrate the topic.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt108798.html

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt107062.html

I'm open to answer any questions anyone might have, or at least try to, either here or by PM. If I don't have the answer, I'll try and point you in the right direction.

My apologies if this post was too long. I get that way sometimes.

That is ALL So Perfectly clear............(what's interpersonal communication)

Great post DarrylZero! Thanks.

But how do you keep track of all this on the fly? Seems like a lot of multi-tasking monitoring all that info zipping by AND appropriately responding to it... I'm overwhelmed just thinking about doing it. Mostly it's all I can do to parse out the content of the words and formulate my verbal response in time... I do think I am able somewhat to incorporate understanding of tone, but I can't always access the necessary response; it seems like there's a synapse missing there for me. I can hear the thought "They're getting bored" or "They're getting upset" but I can't actualize an appropriate response.

Too much data, and faulty interface... anybody else have this experience?

The most important non-verbal to catch, and the most difficult for us, imo, is the unsaid. I don't have a problem with other kinds of non-verbals. I was diagnosed with AS mainly because of my problem with the unsaid. The unsaid is not verbal, and at the same time there is no clue that you can decipher, except intuition of what intent lies behind someone's words/actions, according to a general feeling about the whole situation. We Aspies don't have this intuition, so we either make a mess of our interactions or need a lot of analysis to get the general picture.

Say, someone changes their mind about something they'd told you before. NTs get a general feeling of what may have happened that made the person change their mind. We don't. We need to think-think-think, and at best will come up with a general idea of who influenced them, what they heard or remembered that made them change their mind. These things (what I call "figuring") are crucial in interactions with people. I'm a zero at this, that's why I can't work and is the main reason I don't have contact with humans.

Post praise (a bit off the topic) topic

There is a poster (member) here that I have trouble deciphering, and I am too embarrassed to ask him to rephrase what he wrote. This is rare for me not to understand the written word, and now I panic when I see his posts. But you figured him out in an answer to something he wrote. Good one Greentea. Thank you very much.

And English is not even your first language! I am almost jealous!

Sue, most of his posts are unintelligible, I don't get a word either, don't worry. But sometimes he writes coherently and out of those few times, a post here and there are just brilliant. So I always check first if he's having one of those days or he's written coherently. Otherwise, I don't bother read through to the end. I think he does it a bit on purpose sometimes, like a "personal style". And sometimes he's too into the "I don't give a damn about NTs and they love me anyway" for my taste. But some of his posts are true gems. He's a truly brilliant thinker, our cherished creator. My dad is like that too, sometimes he just likes to be undecipherable, more than his autism makes him. And you Sue, have had a couple undecipherable ones too, if I may say so. I just let people flow, take what I can get, leave the rest...

Very interesting thread, and I thought Darryl's contributions were really well articulated and hepful. I LOL'd at "Excuse me, sir, but I noticed when you were holding hands with your wife her hand was in front. That means she's the dominant person in the relationship. Is this correct in your situation?" Can't tell you how many times I've had similar thoughts while people watching, and then imagined their reaction if I actually asked.

My one-and-a-half-cents on the topic: (1) I've noticed nonverbal cues can mean different things based on gender. An obvious example is a man winking at me means something different than a woman winking at me, but there are far more subtle differences. To Darryl's point, context is so important for interpreting these things. (2) Nonverbal cues can be very misleading, either intentionally or unintentionally.

And even when the non-verbal is expressing how a person is feeling... is it about this or another thing that just flitted through their heads... or are Aspies the only ones who have that experience? I don't think so, I think everyone may frown at a stray thought that isn't particularly relevant to the interaction.

I just came from a site on PTSD that reminds posters that none of us has a crystal ball and we don't know what a person's intention is unless we ask, so best not to leap to conclusions. It was actually part of their user agreement! I thought it was effing brilliant for a non-A/AS board to actually get that.

We've all been hurt by someone assigning us motives we didn't have... or is perpetuating that distortion part of learning NT skills? In which case, thank-you, no.

You're not expected to be a mind reader by NTs, of course, but you certainly are expected to be a satisfactory situation reader. It's 2 different things. At work, for example, you're expected to read the political map correctly and act appropriately according to it. When you're a socially blind Aspie, you can't read the political map. Heck, most Aspies don't even know there IS such a thing as a political map to read in the family, the office, the class group at school. We don't get any vibes from our intuition, so we just assume nothing is there to read. To read a political map in a group of people, body language and tone of voice say a lot, and so do words. But what tells you the most is Theory of Mind (knowing what people are like and predicting their actions enough in advance (judging by their positions on the game board) that you have time to plan and execute your own part and not be left to dry (aka get fired, bullied or abused or cheated, for inadequacy). All this is a huge part, the most important and biggest part of the non-verbal.

I give out non-verbals that confuse others. I can be unreadable or convey disinterest when I am interested. I have also noticed others (usually male) who are similar but not autistic.

I do something very similar with my favourite TV series and also replay scenes to capture subtle details. It is scripted, but the actors convey non-verbal information unconsciously as well, which reveals their underlying personalities (which can be confirmed by meeting them, watching interviews, or watching them in other contexts). Furthermore, reading original scripts reveals how the actors interpret a certain scene and use their creativity. I only study this because the series is a special interest, not to learn about non-verbals specifically. I am not sure I could break routine to watch a talk or reality show.

In real life, I struggle with multi-tasking and attention-switching in social situations; so much is missed and can only be compensated for to a small degree. The exercise I mentioned doing above made me realise just how much information is present and that there are vast amounts of contextual cues in addition.

i must give everyone inaccurate cues. i do all these things (except the pointing in direction of interest, which is one body language thing i *do* understand) just for comfort, to give my arms or legs a rest. same with crossing my arms.

The rolling of the eyes, when somebody doesn't know about you.
When somebody leans forward to show, that they're interested in what you have to say.
Somebody with their arms stretched out, ready to give a hug.
Hands on the hips to indicate anger, or restlessness.