10 things you want NTs to know

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List to NTs:

Don't assume that because I am not doing something that is your idea of fun, that I am not having fun.

Don't take offence if I go off to be by myself a lot instead of hanging around socializing with you.

Don't expect eye contact. You can't understand but at least believe me that eye contact and being touched are painful and intense. I wouldn't expect you to stare at the sun or bright lights.

I may like doing things with you but don't make it spontaneous, give me warning. I may enjoy the activity but can't do it without warning and will need more time alone and sleeping afterward. Or I may not like what you are doing. I see no point in doing activities I don't like just to be with people. So don't take offence.

I need a lot of time alone. Accept that and live with it.

I forgot who wrote this but like the idea of making a pamphlet for NTs. With all these ideas it might be a book. Maybe do a book for those really intersted and a pamphlet that is sort and has a reference to the book for people just curious.

Realize that noise level, light brightness, and other things that are normal for you are too much for me.

I'm auty, not haughty. I can't help it if I speak in a manner that you consider "posh" or "overly articulate", I can't help it if you ask me a question and I answer it in detail, with academic references and scientific validation. Why ask me if you don't want to know? If you ask me something that is one of my areas of expertise, I will assume that you want to know.

Don't assume that if I have a "wooden face" that there's nothing going on behind it. Often when I "go Spock" on people, I'm actually very upset, and trying to process what on earth you're talking about. I'm not meaning to be aloof, I just have too much to cope with to be concentrating on non verbal communication, which is a learned language to me anyway.

When I'm trying to focus on a task, and cover my ears, or hum to myself, I'm not being rude, I'm trying to cope with the fact that everything's got too loud, and I need to tune it out to think. Just let me process whatever I'm thinking about, and I'll be back to normal fairly soon. Start shouting at me, and I'll not be a happy bunny.

PLEASE don't touch me out of the blue! Please don't come up behind me and lean over my shoulder when I'm working. Please don't put your hand on my shoulder, or pat me on the back... IT HURTS!

If I want to eat by myself, let me.

Please invite me along... I may decline, but I do like to be included, and I can't tell otherwise if you'd like me to come... I can't make that assumption. Especially if it's a quiet activity [for me personally] like a hike, a museum visit, or interesting lecture.

I've found that for me, coming right on time for a birthday party or baby shower or other group activity allows me to enjoy a few people quietly and then I leave when the bulk of the guests show up (usually 30 minutes later). That way I can drop off a gift, share your joy, and protect myself from overwhelm. Please understand that I will probably just slip away without saying good bye... I don't want to get caught up in explanations or implorings, I just need to go.

I really want everyone to know Autism speaks doesn't speak for ALL of us and a LARGE amount of us are against autism speaks!

Don't be insulated if I don't want to sleep over your house more then once in a while I need time to myself

Don't think that because I am not looking you in the eye means that I have "low self-esteem" I am not looking at you or looking you in the eyes I don't like eye contact it makes me uncomfortable it has nothing to do with my self-esteem

If I do have a "melt down," staring isn't going to help my meltdowns arent bad behaivior I cant controle them if I could I wouldn't have them! Besides didn't YOUR parents teach you it is rude to stare?

Absolutely, I agree also. I actually went out to do my Christmas shopping today, purely because I know going in December would have been utterly suicidal! It was busy enough today!! Whenever I go shopping, I just like to get what I have gone for and get out of there as soon as humanly possible.

Anyway, things I want NT's to know:

Just because I don't appear to show any emotions, it doesn't mean I don't have any. I can get emotionally hurt or excited just like a normal person, I just don't necessarily know how to show them.
Just because I don't want to partake in anything you consider fun, that doesn't mean I am boring or a miserable sod, it just means that what I take pleasure in differs from what you take pleasure in. I don't slight you for it, so please do me the same courtesy.
Just because I may appear slightly odd to you, it doesn't mean I am harmful in any way or someone to be ignored. Please do not willfully exclude me from things as this is really hurtful. Remember, I feel things too and can be really hurt by people's ignorant actions.
Sometimes, any conversation I may form may encompass my special interests. If you think I have said too much or you no longer want to hear it, please try to steer the conversation to something else politely, I will get the message. Ignoring me, talking over me like I'm not there or making fun of me isn't very nice, please don't do that.
Sometimes I like to have time to myself. Please respect this as I find it very upsetting to be around anyone when I don't want to be.

Or you can even just gently say... "I need a break" or "Could we change the subject?"
I know I get carried away sometimes, and I'll sometimes miss the redirect... you're quicker than I, Fiz. Yes, I'll feel a tiny bit foolish, but much less than if I drive everyone away.

If I appear to be "unfeeling", that may be because
I am too scared to feel anything else right now.
Stay calm, keep reassuring me that it is safe to
feel when I am with you.

Absolutely! I hate and avoid any kind of shopping - I actually have male friends that are girlier, sentimental and more emotional than me.

As far as NT's are concerned - there actually ARE things far more important and entertaining than parties, social gatherings and respectability. I'm not interested in it nor do I want to be emotionally manipulated and coerced to anyone's will. If you don't understand, please leave me alone - I'm not clingy nor am i an attention whore. Please respect the fact that I don't do conformities, obligations etc that are not crucial and vital for survival.

And I don't care about anyone's weight problem, hair problems, chronic relationship problems, fashion issues, or what Sarah Palin OR Oprah Winfrey is up to these days. I am just not going to be there for you while you verbally weigh the pros and cons of breast feeding your latest spawn. I will not join you in your self-indulgent emotional spasm over the latest dead animal on the road.

If you need someone who's facial contortions constantly reassure you that you are a nice, good, worthy-of-the-next-breath person, get a therapist. I was not put on this planet to mollify anyone's flipping insecurities other than my own.

If I don't meet your gaze, it's because you're so freaking needy and I'm not wanting to get sucked into your bottomless need for external reassurance and chaotic emotional addictions. Big surprise... I've found there's nothing in it for me but constant exposure to conversational topics with all the depth of a People magazine.

i dont want to be like you

Don't be surprised or think I'm stupid if I don't get your subtle hint or if I take your sarcastic remark / joke seriously. It's easier for me if you are open and honest. Also, don't tease me in jest, it hurts.

On the flip-side, as difficult as it is for me to lie, sometimes it's easier for me to say there's nothing wrong than verbalise what is actually wrong, don't be surprised by this, please try and be patient with me. I'll usually find a way to tell you eventually.

I do not process emotions the same way you do. I believe I have the same emotions, I am just unable to label them as such. This does not make me a Vulcan and it does not mean that you can't hurt me. Also, it means I will react differently to emotional things that you might expect. For example, I laugh when I'm in physical pain.

I do not know how to tell the difference between "joking around", teasing, bullying and all-out personal attacks. Please say what you mean.

Do not ask me a question if you do not want an honest answer or an answer at all. I do not know what a rhetorical question is.

Do not be upset if I do not join you to every social event you go to. I do like being asked, and I will say "no". Also, if I do join you, please do not make a big deal about it. "Thanks for coming" is more than enough and do not make me join into any group. Sometimes being in the same room with a bunch of people is more than I can take.

If you want me to be queit or to go away, tell me. I can't tell what you want unless you tell me.

Do not treat me like a human calculator, dictionary or thesaurus because you think it's funny or because you are too lazy to think for yourself. Like I said, I answer all questions, regardless of their intent.

Do not be afraid to ask me about myself or about things about me that are different. I'm not going to take offense or be mad at you.

Realize that you are as much of a mystery to me as I am to you.

Do not touch me until you know me really, really well. Then don't touch me from behind without permission. However, in my own case, you can shake my hand or initiate a high-five, so long as it's obvious that you are doing that, and not say, waving (or the dreaded low-five that always ends in me shaking an open hand). Just expect me to stare at your hand for a few seconds while I try to figure out what to do with it. Don't be offended.

Do not feel as though you have to feel sorry for me or protect me. My words do not always come out right, but I capable of speaking for myself.

Things i'd say to a NT before they know me

>>I dislike being stared at because its kinda scary to me.

>>Please do not judge me before you get to know me. It would rather upset or bring me to a meltdown point.

>>You don't have to treat me like a young baby since im capable of normal conversations.

>>Anything that pops, balloons etc - try to not put it anywhere near me as it scares me and my ears are sensitive to it.

>>I don't like it when people take advantages of me because of the way i'am, after all nobody's perfect.

>>You don't have to try too hard to impress me as im genuinely a nice person and been braught up this way

>>I don't always liked to be touched, so please ask and poking definitely is a no no for me.

>>When i'm in crowds, please try not pressure me to talk as i will talk in my own time.

That's all i can think of to say to a NT

Don't know about 10 things. I'd be happy with two. They need to understand our social anxiety ("No, it isn't YOU. Not everything is about you! I'm the one with issues here, so cut me some slack, eh?") Also, they need to understand and respect our sensory overload issues.

If there are a lot of people talking, or there is music playing I cannot hear you. Repeat: I cannot hear you. If we're in a crowded lunchroom, for example, your no doubt incredibly interesting remarks are forced to share a limited amount of auditory processing with forks clanking, the people at the next table etc.

When I have a meltdown, yelling at me or calling me "frightening" is not going to help. I am melting down because you are frightening ME.

I try to control myself in conversations, talking about things you want to talk about. It would be nice, however, to be given free rein to rant every once in a while. It's a two-way street, people; I have to be enjoying my interaction with you as well.

When I assume that you will behave in patterns you find egregious and cruel, I am just extrapolating from previous experiences. People in general have treated me that way.

And the last: Never, ever ever say the word "ret*d" or any of its derivatives in front of me. I will flip the eff word out on you, and you will deserve it.

Thanks for such a great thread, hope this was helpful.

'Oh, one more thing: Realize that as an Aspie woman, I have less interest than many NT women in stereotypically 'feminine' topics of conversation, and that I don't like being coerced into 'girlie' activities. (This may not be true for all AS women, but I'd bet it is for a fair few of us, me included.)'

Oh my goodness this is one of the many things that drives me insane!! I'm forever having difficult converstaions with people who make assumptions about me based on my gender! It has actually become an obsession.