Are you attached to your family?

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I'm very close to my mother. I don't talk to the rest of my family, except for 1 cousin, but that's only on occasion. I also enjoy my grandfather's company, but my grandmother is emotionally abusive towards him (and anyone else she can get a grasp on) and we can't talk to him unless we go through her. =( And unfortunately, that means I don't talk to him very often because I'm not willing to let her in my life.

In a word, no.

I'm saying that, and I just sent a bundle of stuff to my nephew's wife who just had a baby. OK, I have contact with them, but not close.

Basically, for many years I suffered emotional abuse from my late mother, and part of that was that I believed, because of what she'd told me, that the rest of the family (my brother, his kids and their families) disliked me and looked down on me. Just how much she'd lied, exaggerated and generally manipulated the facts only started to become clear when she was in her final illness, but it had already gotten to the point that had she not fallen ill, I'd have considered breaking off all contact. As it is, I still feel a little nervous around my family because I suspect their picture of what I'm really like has been distorted over the years, and they're pretty conventional, so I often don't feel comfortable being my eccentric self round them. Oh, and they're not particularly clued up on AS...or maybe they are, but don't want to come to the conclusion that it might be in their family. That's the impression I get from tentative attempts to raise the subject.

As of now, last time I saw any of them was in January. Might see them this side of Christmas, but we're on vacation in December and I don't do the family Christmas thing well. (The whole house full of people, the TV on all the time even when nobody's watching it, people constantly plying me with way too much booze, and since my mother's dog died, no excuse to get out of the house....no thanks.)

Hubby's family are OK, but apart from popping in on his mother briefly every weekend we don't see a lot of them. Hubby's not exactly the sociable type either, though.

In terms of my NEEDS I don't need my family at all and I better off to just end a contact with them for years, that would be great. But THEY have a completely mistaken picture of my needs. They view me as disabled. So if I don't call my mom for a couple of weeks she would send me emails such as "very important news please call". So if these are "very important news" I am scared what if it is something bad (like her flying over to India to visit me) so OF COURSE I call. But the fact of a matter is that I don't need that contact at all, I just don't know how to avoid it.

Now as far as my mom goes, SHE is very attached to her family. Appart from being obsessed with my needs she is also obsessed with my grandmother's needs who is an elderly woman. Quite frankly when I visit them, I get very frustrated with the way my grandmother barely walks, and doesn't know English despite having moved from Russia to USA back in 1997. Yet my mom tries to accomodate her every whim, and worries abouty some imagined needs my grandmother mght have, which my grandmother stated repeatedly she doesn't. Like for example when there is a party at the appartment, and no one speaks Russian, my mom would still put my grandmother in a room and try to make her a center of attention, even though my grandmother quite frankly doesn't care at all and would rather just go to her own room.

My mom and my dad were divorced few years ago, yet my mom still calls my dad every day. She really worries about his health and that he might be lonely in Russia. She was also pressuring me to be calling him as well, even though, again, quite frankly I don't care. To me, the whole issue of my dad or my grandmother being sick are just a very small footnotes that I would never look at, until my mom brushes them into my face, and then my first instinct is to brush her right off.

And going back to me, she keeps thinking that I o needy and I won't survive without her. She would ask me something obvious like "have you been working on such and such paper". Well OF COURSE I have, I mean it is my number one activity of the day, so why would i forget it. Or when I have to go somehwere she would make sure that I remember my tickets as to where they are going, and that I remember all of the intermediate stops. Or if I have a hotel that I remember the name of the hotel. But what does she expects me to do? Sleep on the street or something?

So once again, in terms of my actual needs, I really don't need my family at all. I would rather they ALL to just disappear. YET, one girl rejected me saying "your mom sounds like she shelters you ... if you will be expecting that of somneone you are in a relationship with that is just an area where I can't handle" (see here http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt5922.html ). Well, why would I EXPECT someone to shelter me, if I HATE that my mom does that?

I have always been very dependant on my mother. She is the person I turn to in times of crisis. I never feel comfortable making a big decision without her seal of approval. Apparently, when I was a baby, my mum couldn't leave me alone for a single minute without me crying for her.

I am attached to my husband and children. As for parents, aunts, uncles, cousins... nope... not at all. I do not dislike them, some of them I would say that I do like. My dad's family is full of interesting and talented people. I am just not close to them or attached to them. I see my parents once a year and while I have been married for seven years, I think my husband has seen my moms family twice and my dads family maybe three times.

Hm. I'm really not sure if I am or not. I think I am attached to my mother purely out of routine. She calls me everyday and if she does not call me I feel uncomfortable. But I think it may be the routine I'm attached to and not actually her. I hate when my dad calls me because it is akward. I don't talk to any other of my family members and avoid any sort of gathering (large or small) like the plague.

I think I do love my mum though, maybe my dad, but I'm not 100% sure because I can't tell....???

Nope. Never have been. I've always wondered about how other people feel about their family. Apparently you're supposed to love them?

I'm very close to my family.

My father and I never got along from day #1. From what I know now he was very likely an Aspie. I stopped calling him my father when I was 10. My mother passed away. She was an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. I'm actually surprised she lived as long as she did given the amount of booze she guzzled.

I left home (or was thrown out, either way is correct) when I was 19 and never made any contact with any member of my family. They are probably all dead by now anyway.

My family and I aren't attached like we should be. Connecting with them socially and emotionally comes off very hard to do for me. Avoiding events, not giving presents, not calling are some of the things I do because I don't know how to express how I feel or think alot of times. I barely even know my brother & sister. And outside of my immediate family the only thing I really know about them is their name. I couldn't describe them even if I was offered money. To be honest I don't feel attached to anybody except for past sex partners that I can't get out of my head.

I used to be very attached to my mother and all I ever wanted in the whole world, was for her to be happy. Sadly, that was an impossible thing to ask for. I haven't talked to her in months and honestly, I feel better now than when she would she call me every other week. She's bi polar and abusive and I really don't need that in my life anymore. I talk to my dad about every two to three weeks for about 10 to 20 minutes max. I hardly ever talk to my brother. I have 3 sisters now that I never talk to. One of them I am completely cut off from probably forever. I think if I was a neurotypical, I would be going crazy not being able to talk to them. As it is right now, I miss them, but I try not to think about them often.

I don't know if I can express how much I can relate to this..

well i am not a siamese twin.

but to be serious, no.

i do not know strictly what "attached" means.
i think it means "emotionally in need a for particular person to be near by and accessible".
i use that definition for "attachment" in my post here.

i was adopted at 2 weeks old and i did not know i was not related to my family until i was 15.

i was not interested in them or their ideas and i kept to myself. i did not want hugs or advice.

i have 3 sisters who are all much older than me. the youngest sister i have is 11 years older than me, and the middle sister is 13 years older, and the oldest sister is 15 years older than me.

my youngest sister left home at 15 (when i was 4) and then she had kids and many marriages and she has been married now 6 times. what a silly person she is. she thinks she is beautiful and acts like a 1980's TV star who just smiles glitzily at handsome men. she also has had much plastic sugery.
errrk. she rings me now once every year and and i report that nothing has changed and she should maybe check back next year at the same time for an update.
i talk to her for 5 mins and she has such a fake voice, and she is so disengaged by the sound of my voice that i can not bother to persist in conversation with her. she thinks nothing that i have ever thought.

the middle sister left home at 17 to get married ( i was 4 also then). she is a b***h and she never liked me. she is the one who is most dissatified at me being autistic. she says that my parents were not informed that i was autistic when they adopted me, and they were ripped off.
i was only 2 weeks old however and no one at that point wondered about me.
she calls me a "dud" and she says i should be ashamed that i was accepted into a "loving" family because i am incapable of affection, and i am damaged and can not contribute in any way to the families heritage.

she said "dad wanted to adopt a strong healthy baby boy because mum had to have an hysterectomy after the "patti" (my youngest sister) was born. we all voted yes to adopt a baby boy and we got stuck with f*ckin' you!! !! !"

all i can say is "them's the breaks".

what else can i say? should i be sorry that i "deceived" people at 2 weeks of age?

once i said to her when she was carrying on about how she was "conned" into thinking she was voting to adopt a mentally normal baby....

"well if you at 13 were able to be conned by a 2 week old baby, then i am not terribly interested in your opinions or ideas". then she hit me on the head with a saucepan (that is why i remember the incident that was in the kitchen when i was 18 and she was 31. i was cooking and she was visiting and wanted to cook and i was there first. she got angry and the discussion i just transcribed occurred, and that is how it transpired).

the oldest sister is a vague person who has epilepsy because they pulled her out with a some forceps. they damaged her brain and she really has no particular attitude about anything.
but she also got married at about 19 (i was also 4 then).

so from the time i was 4, i was an only child in a very big house and my parents left me to my own devices and i never really established any communicative link with anyone in my family.
i love my father because he always believed in me and encouraged me and he got teary and told me that he considered me as much his child as the other sisters.

he actually favors me for some reason. i do not understand him or think the same way, but i feel so comfortable in his presence.
i feel as loved as a 3 year old in his presence and the day he dies the world will be suddenly paved in concrete.
it will turn gray and sick looking for me and i will have to find a special strength to believe in myself when his belief in me is gone.

i have no desire to "touch base" with my sisters. they have no base i can reach anyway (even if i wanted to)
my (adoptive) mother died so i do not feel anything about her except that i think if she is still somewhere i hope she is happy.

I live isolated in the hills and woods, and my family lives far away. I talk to my sister on the phone once every month or two, and to my brother on birthdays and special holidays. I have no animosity towards them, and am pleased to get news about them and their families with the frequency that I do.

My father died more than 30 years ago, but I was extremely attached to him. I don't know what would have become of me if it wasn't for him. Sometimes I think he was a saint. He always believed in me and encouraged me, and never once said a single word about my being different. When I was in constant trouble in school, he never spoke of it, but was only proud and confident. My mother, on the other hand, was always troubled by my autism and frequently told me that I was "not like other people" or that "other people were not like me". She "didn't know what was going to become of me". She was a very good, kind-hearted woman, but I never really bonded with her.

I call my Mom and Dad once every two or three weeks. There was a time (a few years) when I only talked to them once every few months.

I taloked to my brother and sister when I see them at my paternt's house for Christmas.

I don't really know any of my aunts, uncles, or cousins since I only met them once or twice when I was younger.

yes very