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jc6chan
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01 Dec 2009, 9:02 pm

awakening wrote:
My parents were encouraging of me in some ways, but used to make me feel very guilty about not making eye contact; a frequent response was "look at me! It's very disrespectful not to look at people when they are talking to you." I can now understand what they meant, since it's very hard for me to make eye contact (which I try to do as much as possible for the sake of functioning), and when I do so without reciprocation, I sometimes feel offended. I don't have too many strong memories of being stifled or forced into normalcy. From what I remember, my parents were fairly understanding of my eccentricities. I would show them how good I was at counting, by counting to one hundred, and if I thought they weren't listening, I would start over. I think they were pretty good humored about this. They liked how, due to some obsessive interests, I could be kept happy with little trouble; for example, they would bring me home a ski map and I study it for hours. The problem was that afterwards, I would ramble to them about all the names of the runs I had memorized. My biggest problems were doing things that my parents thought were rude, especially my stepmother. I can remember her working herself into a frenzy over how misbehaving and disrespectful I was, and I didn't understand why couldn't understand why she was such a b*tch. She would always tell me to "wipe that smirk off your face." I had no idea what she was talking about, to be honest. Sometimes I would run around and laugh, knocking things over, when I was afraid my parents were upset with me. I don't think they particularly liked chasing me around and dealing with my antics. I didn't feel good inside but I didn't show it, and they had trouble reading me a lot of the time. When I would walk around the yard for hours, twirling my hair, I think they liked it because, again, I was content and required little supervision or attention. On that note, I do remember being told repeatedly not to twirl my hair, but the more they told me not to the more I wanted to do it.

I still have the bad habit of twirling my hair.



01 Dec 2009, 9:13 pm

jc6chan wrote:
Spokane_Girl wrote:
jc6chan wrote:
Spokane_Girl wrote:
Yes and no. Mom worked with me like teaching me how to talk, change my way of thinking so I could see things better about situations, working with being flexible. I wanted everything in the same spot and mom worked with me on that. She only fixed things that would make my life easier for my adulthood. She had always had me be with normal kids like when I did t ball, she refused to have me be in the special league and when she found out what kind of special ed I was in, she got me out of there and put me in my new school in a regular classroom, when I was 3-5, I was in a special school for kids with developmental delays but I was in a class with high functioning kids. Lot of them looked normal. But she hated my obsessions and would take them away and she didn't like me playing with younger kids. I wanted friends my own age but they were all boring and didn't want me around and younger kids liked the same things I liked and I wanted friends so little kids was all I had.

When I was in high school, mom found out I went to the resource room during lunch and be on the computer looking up Benny & Joon and looking at photos from the movie and reading reviews about the movie. We had an IEP meeting and then it was time for lunch so I went and then I came back and mom was still there and she said "Is this what you do during lunch?" and my teachers said that is what I do and they don't want me in there but they don't know how to tell me without upsetting me. Then Mom told me I needed to be out socializing with kids or else they will think there is something wrong with me and I need to be in there to be watched. Then I was sent out in the hallway thanks to my mother and it was that way ever since. I would just play my video games or listen to music in front of my locker. I was invited by a group of girls to be with them but I found it boring. I had to restrain talking about Benny & Joon so I quit hanging out with them. They quit inviting me anyway.

Sometimes my mom will try and get on my back about my life but I don't tell her about my personal life anymore. Last time she didn't like the idea of me watching Benny & Joon two times a day and listening to the soundtrack over and over and writing about the movie. So she told me I needed to go out, take walks, do other things like go to places, be with my husband and acting like my obsession was a bad thing. Then she threw Aspergers in my face (er ears) by saying whatever happened to me not letting it control me and she said I was letting it take over. So I'm done with my personal life.
She once got on my back about not having any friends when I was in Montana visiting her. She said I needed to socialize more and I finally said why is it so important to have friends. She said I would need someone I could talk to or what if there were emergencies, they be there for me like to watch my kids or in case something else happens and I need a ride. Okay so no wonder friendships are over rated and why friends are so important. But I still feel they aren't important. TBH, I have no idea what to do with friends. I am better with acquaintances. As a child it was easier because we played.

But after my diagnoses, things were a little easier. My mom wasn't mad about my obsessions anymore and she quit taking them away, she also quit getting mad at me about my emotions and me playing with younger kids. It was as if she needed a label to understand me better. She also left me be in my teens. She never had a problem with me doing lot of computer or video games or watching TV. It was the same way for my brothers too but they always had their friends.

In high school I sometimes didn't know what to do for 74 mins of lunchbreak. In grade 12 during lunchbreak, I ended up joining a group of friends who would go to someone's house to play Halo. We would go everyday, I didn't really play much videogames before that and my skills improved a lot.


I go to two autism groups and one AB/DL gathering.

Thats good you found people who enjoyed the same interests as you. That's a way to do it.

Whats AB/DL? And no, they did not have the same interests as me in terms of what we were doing because I hardly played videogames.



Adult baby/diaper lover.



Apple_in_my_Eye
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01 Dec 2009, 9:48 pm

No, they were both weird, and just let things slide. I've been told there were times other parents would say "normal kids don't do that," but they apparently ignored them.



bhetti
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01 Dec 2009, 10:17 pm

my mother didn't like me having any opinion that differed from hers, so as long as I held the same beliefs as her and didn't deviate, the only things she really griped about were my faulty intellect (because I didn't "get" things), my literal thinking, and my inability to read her mind so I'd know how she wanted specific chores done. so I guess she didn't try to change me, because that seems like it would require active coaching. it was more like she just complained all the time.



Oregon
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01 Dec 2009, 10:50 pm

Isn't that a parents job??
They can't turn you into what you are not.. but it is their job to help you be the best you that you can.

I am a parent of a son who just turned 13 in October. There are many things we tried for our son, if it doesn't seem to match.. we move on to something else.

We tried soccer, baseball, martial arts, cub scouts, track (he's still in it), soap box derby (he rocks at it), and many other things. I'll keep throwing things at him to keep his mind working and challenged.

A spot came open for him to go into a language immersion program in 1st grade, we kept him in for 2 years before it became clean it was not working for him.

He is going to say we tried to force him to do things... how mean we were to 'force him' to take 3 years of martial art or to take music lessons.

My job is to hopefully give my AS son to be better equipped for adult life than I was (am). I can't make him into something different, he already is... I just want him to know that different is sometimes better.


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01 Dec 2009, 11:07 pm

My answer to this question about whether or not my parents tried to change me would be, "No, not really."

Well, that isn't a definite "No." My parents allowed me to be the way I am. But, there were times that my mother tried to encourage me to be more sociable---that is do more of the things that my fellow classmates were doing (good things that is). Often times my mother would ask me if I wanted to go to a certain birthday party, or go to the pool with some of the others in the neighborhood, etc. I think my parents felt like I wanted to do more with others my age, but I felt more comfortable in the company of my family. In school, I did have a best friend that I was close to, and some other sort-of friends---so it wasn't social isolation. I just preferred being with my interests.


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jc6chan
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02 Dec 2009, 12:05 am

Oregon wrote:
Isn't that a parents job??
They can't turn you into what you are not.. but it is their job to help you be the best you that you can.

I am a parent of a son who just turned 13 in October. There are many things we tried for our son, if it doesn't seem to match.. we move on to something else.

We tried soccer, baseball, martial arts, cub scouts, track (he's still in it), soap box derby (he rocks at it), and many other things. I'll keep throwing things at him to keep his mind working and challenged.

A spot came open for him to go into a language immersion program in 1st grade, we kept him in for 2 years before it became clean it was not working for him.

He is going to say we tried to force him to do things... how mean we were to 'force him' to take 3 years of martial art or to take music lessons.

My job is to hopefully give my AS son to be better equipped for adult life than I was (am). I can't make him into something different, he already is... I just want him to know that different is sometimes better.

I agree with what you are saying, what I am asking about in this thread is really the parent's attitude. Maybe I phrased the question of this thread wrong, what I really meant was if the parents were subconciously in denial of their son/daughter having AS. Like some parents are afraid to admit that they need to raise their children differently because of AS. Its like they are trying to filter out the AS that their children has. I'm not saying that the AS should be everything that defines their children, there is a lot more to a child with AS than having AS itself. But its just like a parent of someone with learning disabilities refusing to address the problem.



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02 Dec 2009, 12:46 pm

Yes. They've tried a billion ways. Including, apparently, that they won't let me unpack my stuff under the pretext that we need to paint the rooms and stuff first. Though, it looks like they're doing it to keep me away from my stuff, to see if it'll encourage me to be more normal.

But they will never succeed. They never have, and they never will. I'm quite proud to be who I am, for the first time in my life.



88BK
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02 Dec 2009, 1:03 pm

sort of. it was more they tried to 'normalise' me. they put me in mainstream school classes, even though it was reccomended that i go to special classes (ONLY because of the speaking thing). and they kept my diagnosis a secret from me and most people until i was too old to now know something was up. the normalisation didn't work, but attending mainstream classes and mainly focusing on watching their interpersonal relationships and connections has given me an ability to read people and dynamics in between them. the only bad thing is, though i always know exactly what is going on, i still am unable to participate appropriately. i don't understand why, except that maybe my brain makes connections very very slowly.



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02 Dec 2009, 2:01 pm

My stepdad was an absolutely control freak. I was forced to do everything he wanted, believe everything he did, and of course, he was never ever wrong. I hated every single thing about it. I hated his sports, I hated his cars, I hated his alcohol, I hated his philosophies, principles, everything. A few of them were even right, but that didn't keep me from hating the way it was enforced on me. I was not allowed to like video games, not allowed to like to read, not allowed to like computers or any number of sciences. When I would argue with him it would end up in me being grounded, or backhanded. I remember being ridiculed for not having a girlfriend in middle and high school. I would spend every day at home fearful, just because I was expecting him to come to me and say I did something wrong and I was in trouble, and it happened very very often. I spent from age 6 (when my mother married him) til age 16 under that, and I will always have issues with that sort of person.


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02 Dec 2009, 10:45 pm

Yes, and I have always been viewed as the one needing direction because I was seen as weaker. It's only now, probably in the past year, that I feel like my mother might be proud of who I am. I've grown into my current job and am finding that I am really good at it, so my mom sees me in a new light - She's my boss :? . Also, I am taking antidepressants and feel a lot happier, thus refusing to be put down anymore.


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03 Dec 2009, 12:28 am

Not much if at all. Which sound good to people who's parents did the opposite but I dunno. I think I would of been better off if I was pushed into some things



weeksend
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03 Dec 2009, 12:46 am

Yes. All the time. eyecontact was someting i had to hear about all the time. "Look at me when im talking to you!" was something that was yelled at me daily. But, i also found some good things from it. Besides my father still doesnt understand what asperger's is.



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03 Dec 2009, 10:59 pm

ok..now for a better answer than my last one...
Growing up, we didn't have much money...and there was a lot of stress. I have a very artsy-AS-ish mom who has executive functioning problems the way that I do, and the stress of having a family was really hard on her..so she didn't quite know what to do with me, and also, she was quite a bit of a non-conformist herself, so it was always her stance that I was not the one with problems...it was the system that had problems..she was miserable growing up and sorta felt like an alien in her surroundings...She understood that the fumes at school and the florescent lights drove me bonkers and stuff like that...and she was kinda too muddled and depressed to actively do stuff to try to change me anyhow. We were always just used to not fitting in...My dad had the same sort of understanding I think..When he was young, his parents let him stay home more often, and he graduated from high school early because firstly he was in advanced classes and skipped grades, I think, and secondly to get away from the bullying.

My older family members seemed more concerned about my development than my parents. My paternal grandfather was more for actively trying to change me, and my maternal grandmother was somewhat more disdainful...I guess I was the "starter kid" and they got it better the second time around with my NT sister...and also all my cousins on that side were, for all practical purposes NT...so I just happened to be the weird one..taking after my mom, who was her "weird" child.

It was only when I entered High School that my mom would do stuff to intervene...My sense of aesthetics/fashion evolved into something really eccentric, and certain really strange articles of clothing that I favored would disappear. She'd mentioned that her mom had done this with some of her strange hippie clothes when she was young........Nothing would be said, to warn me in advance, but I would come home from school to find my room completely cleaned and reorganized...A weird major obsession I had in my early teens was vintage hats..and I managed to somehow acquire masses of them..mostly from thrift stores...and she put them all in a plastic bag in the garage one day where they were immediately peed on by cats.

Anyway...there were not really strong moves to fix me, and if there were milder ones, I certainly didn't pick up on them till things got rash...I know that my grandfather often harangued my parents about my odd behavior....but a lot of it didn't really register with me.

At 15, I went from being a very childlike teenager to joining a band...and the band (all guys at least 4 years older than me) sorta took over with my upbringing..in regards to my learning social skills and stuff....that that was when I really realized how totally off I was...I was always doing stuff wrong and getting reprimanded for it, and I really had no idea.



Oregon
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03 Dec 2009, 11:20 pm

jc6chan wrote:
Oregon wrote:
Isn't that a parents job??
They can't turn you into what you are not.. but it is their job to help you be the best you that you can.
...

I agree with what you are saying, what I am asking about in this thread is really the parent's attitude..


I just didn't want it to be a total parent bashing thread. It's not easy to be a parent & if your kid has a disability..it's even harder. Being a parent, I want my kid to be able to function in society...

As someone with AS... yes, I understand all too well how parents 'hope it's something he'll grow out of..' or he just needs the right influence so we will push friends on him that we think will make him more rounded. Well it's hard to make a triangle more rounded...

I am basically alienated from my family, too many skeletons. My parents wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong with me, my brothers took advantage of it... they were better at telling lies than I was telling the truth.

Guess what ma.. I'm still the same person I was 30 years ago..


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RedHorizon
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03 Dec 2009, 11:25 pm

In my experience my parents basically did something that seemed to have the intent of "correcting" my issues, but that's not to say it helped at all, and easily made me miserable. I have a divorced family and I developed obvious OCD tendencies when I was about 8 or 9. Dad yelled at me every day as if he had Alzheimer's, as if he couldn't remember that his same behavior yesterday just made me hate him. The whole AS thing was simply something to be cured. Mom didn't quite do the same thing but still doesn't understand any of it. I feel like just recently they may have realized that it's actually having a huge impact on my performance at school, which is kinda disappointing, because I was diagnosed when I was 12, now I'm almost 18. At least it's a break from frivolous scolding.