Just over a couple of months ago, the outreach company where I am an AS client took on some new staff and I was told about them. A few weeks later, I met them both. Zoe was 31 and Helen 40. After 2 hours, I had to choose one as my befriender. I chose Helen. As usual, being AS, I went with the one that I clicked with the most during the time and thats when it kind of happened.
We went out a couple of times and I found myself getting very attracted towards her, I would often sneak a little peak at her and give myself a little smile. Physically, she is very pretty, everything I would go for. I also liked the way she treats me - kind, considerate and easy to talk to. Through my life, a lot of people have treated me horribly and it was obvious that nice Helen would become something good in my life. Soon after, I completely fell apart - I found myself missing her so intensely when we were apart and I would often count the days to when I next saw her. At the same time, I was also experiencing money issues and other personal problems, so its not suprising really that I went so low. I knew that I had to get better, so I get in touch with a very good and understanding mate who works for the company and who knew Helen and I told him about my feelings and he told me that it was all about being human and caring towards others. I told him that I knew the boundaries and would never cross that line into dangerous ground. I know of Helen's circumstances and would do nothing to harm that. Ever. I even started putting my mind into other things, and would often go walking to get fitter and to analyze my feelings. I found some amazing things out about myself, things that go right back to childhood: my lifelong obsessions/infatuations over women. I even know most of their names and compiled a secret list to analyze and understand. I analyzed what I like about her physically and not once did I ever think about anything inappropiate. I don't view her that way. Also, my lack of sex during the earlier years really hurt my personal growth, so as an adult, I am compensating by behaving the way I am. Recently, I had some and it really helped me focus more on different things.
Recently, she was ill and I didn't see her for 2 weeks. That was okay because I got over my infatuation with her and when I saw her earlier today, I was buzzing with excitement. I still like her, but don't want these feelings getting me down. Even she would hate to see me get sad over anything. Towards the end of this weeks time, I found myself getting sad that we had to part, just like before when I missed her intensely. I think its because of the 2 week gap. Time will heal all things, by christmas hopefully. We get on so well, I've given her a lot of insight into the job that she does - dealing with AS people. She really appreciates that. I see her again next Tuesday and until then I'll carry on focusing on other things like my movies and shopping, and analyze further on my daily walks. It ain't over til its over, there's still things to explore and I can take pride that I am being very mature about sorting myself out. I've been very brave and went through massive trauma. The journey continues, but by Christmas, things should be concluded. 