Do you ever find life to be too much of a chore?

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Who cares? Just some morons who think that their own perspective on living undermines other people's way of living. They don't know s**t; they're talking out of their ass because they happened to be geriatric scholars of old.

I care, somewhat. Life would be even more awkward if I had to develop every single thought from scratch: why blaze fresh trails when paths have already beeen cut? That doesn't mean I'm committed to follow them, but it does make it easier to see where they're leading. One can chose between them, or leave them completely an' it seem wise.

It's a very solipsist view to believe that only I have ever had thoughts worth thinking.

I have always felt that life is too burdensome to finish. It's too heavy for me; too routine; too exhausting. I have had intermittent reprieves from this; some lasting a few years, but usually only months. I was suicidal at an early age and attempted swallowing much Tylenol, aspirin, Tums and did not know that it wouldn't do the trick. I did have a serious attempt as a teen that should have worked, according to Dr. but it didn't. Even as young as three, I remember standing at the top of the staircase ready to jump. Of course, I thought that I would be able to fly so that doesn't really count as a suicide attempt. But it has occurred to me that Death has been romancing me; ever calling to me and it's a comforting sound, to be honest. I know that sounds sick and is not normal. Knowing this, I do not give in. It is a Siren Song; Death is. Now that I am wise to it's ways, I will not give in. Besides, I should have died at 15 but didn't so I guess God has a use for me, here. Religion can be a bonus....or not. When I was young, I believed that as soon as I died I'd see the face of God and be with Him forever. That made suicide a win/win situation; escape this world, be with God forever. Now, I still believe that but I also believe that God doesn't make mistakes. Nothing is random with Him. He made me for a purpose and I must fulfill it. Resistance is futile. He will help me through it. And why shouldn't I? I am not a wimp. I am stubborn and can stubbornly plod on through this life and finish the race. I doubt that I'll come in first or even in the top five but I will place!! I have learned to ignore many of my feelings because I realize that they do not make sense and are many times incorrect. I think it through and try to do the appropriate thing at the appropriate time. I know it sounds dull but it works for me. Another thing to do is create a culture of life around yourself. Surround yourself with "good" things; music, books, people, activities, purposes and goals. Try to take a stand and not just respond to your feelings. Be proactive; not inactive. Take a leading role in your own life. I hope this helps. It's not easy to be you. It's not easy to be.

all the time.

pretty much all the time too.
april