Why do NTs seem to be so afraid of being alone somewhere?

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Probably because people who aren't always in groups and/or with people are looked down on in society. NT's are generally very social as well, and they probably just don't like being alone because it bores them.

I think that people with ASD's are more likely to perefer being alone. For example, tonight I walked my dog to look at Christmas lights, I went alone because I prefer it even though my father would likely have came with me. I like walking at night too jsut becaue nobody else is around.

It isn't that they are unable to do things alone. It is that doing certain things alone is not enjoyable for them. This has nothing to do with fear or inflexibility. It has to do with the joy that extroverted people get from socializing. If you don't get joy from socializing you will find it difficult to believe that other people do and wrongly assume that they enjoy being alone just as much as you do but avoid it out of fear. This is as incorrect an assumption as their assumption that you are lonely when alone.

Extroverts find the company of others invigorating and enjoyable. Too much alone time is unenjoyable and if it extends for too long is actually debilitating (by "too long" I mean weeks and months, not a few hours). Not all NTs are extroverts. Some are introverts.

Well, I've been to uni twice, for 3 years each time and about twenty years between degrees. When I was a teenager at uni I was painfully aware of the people in the groups because I didn't know how to do that. The second time, I was in my late thirties and more comfortable with who I am, and I noticed not only the groups, but also the many people who walk around, study, eat, etc on their own.

Some people are naturally more gregarious than others, that's all. I don't think you can say that it's about all the NTs being in groups, and by implication, all the ASDs on their own. People are all different.

Spokane Girl is quite right in correcting posts to read "people" instead of "NTs".

Absolutely. Many of my friends who are NT's like to be alone and force themselves to go to parties. I would say about 25% of my friends/coworkers hate going to parties. Some of my friends will get out of it somehow. Some of them try at parties, will smile a little and leave sometimes without saying goodbye. I have found that on these boards a lot of people have a misconception that all NT's like social situations. All NT's are good at social situations and find it easy. I think a lot of them are just good at acting and others don't even try to act, they don't care. Perhaps its the type of friends I have, friends who are similar and understand. I tend to get along better with people who are like that. I have many friends who would rather be at home reading a book, doing something on the TV or doing a hobby - so many.

When I go to some social thing, I usually will go find someone who is alone and looks a bit bored. The person is usually similar to me in that we both prefer a quieter area in the home. We usually end up talking about it and find a connection in that we both really don't like loud parties LOL.That takes some effort, too but I would rather do that then have people come up to me and make small talk. Small talk is the worst. When I get home, I need to go on the computer or do something alone. I am ADHD, though. I get overwhelmed with a lot of stimulus as I have sensory issues. People may view me initially as an extrovert only because I am good at acting. I can only keep up with it for so long. I do have some scripts in my head such as what to talk about, how to carry self, etc. I don't need them all of the time but keeping up with that is much effort and tiring. Always having to thing of the next move, words.. concerning my wedding (7 years ago), we left at 10:00 because I just couldn't do it anymore. Wedding beautiful but it was a nightmare for me forcing a smile, people looking at you. I haven't been to too many weddings so it's hard to know how to be....We should have eloped.

Son dx with AS, husband undx AS. It's my husband who can go to parties and other social events and not be absolutely beat when we get home. He ends up watching the kids (if it was an early evening or day thing) while I go on the computer. It's really odd. He seems more AS just by looks and the way he carries himself. I am the one who has some traits but probably doesn't have AS (although my mom and some others are thinking I do). My husband wanted to stay at our wedding for longer. He likes to go to church on time and doesn't mind the whole "How are you today?"

. The people who are on facebook and like to share with the whole world what they are doing are typically the extroverted NTs who can just keep going and going.

sgrannel!! Wonderful, wonderful points. I think the whole 'protection' issue is the reason why people feel the need to go somewhere with other people. not only that, a lot of NT's who seem so social even intially feel uncomfortable. It's like just having the other person there helps them. They can lean on that person until they feel more comfortable with their surroundings. I think that's a lot of it. The other point about ensuring that someone doesnt get a clear shot at getting away with doing something bad to you is another good point. When you go to a gathering alone, it is more difficult to fit in for some reason. When you go with another person, people are more willing to talk to both of you. Perhaps it's a communication thing. If you go up to two people, someone is likely to keep the conversation going. When it's just one other person,t here are those uncomfortable moments where you both are standing there thinking "what the heck do I say now?" You are completely right!! ! I have never thought about those points before.

mysassyself - social inadequacy - perhaps having people view that something is wrong with you if you go somewhere alone. That's a good point. I know people who would actually feel depressed if they go somewhere like to an event alone. They actually feel like people don't like them or something like that. I don't get that reasoning but everyone is so different.

I became attracted to my husband in college. He was waiting in line to go to a basketball game, alone. It didn't bother him one bit. That was the most attractive thing to me in the world! I honestly believe that was it for me - i was taken LOL.

Sorry what is ND's??

Something like NeuroDifferent ?

Oh, LOL That would be me:)

An ND stands for neurodiversity and it means accepting people for who they are.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurodiversity



I just use that word for people who have other conditions. Using NT alone is discriminative because we are stereotyping them and making generalizations about them and what about people with other conditions?

Hey even aspies can be extroverts and some also hate being alone and want people to be with and do stuff with. I hated being alone as a child and I wanted friends and I always felt sad when I have no partner or when my friends shut me out of groups. I always felt sad when I wasn't allowed in peoples houses. I couldn't understand why it was so hard to be with people and relate to them so I figured it was because of them, not me and if they wouldn't be boring, things be good. Same as if they let me play at their house and they wouldn't so boring there when I would be at their house occasionally. I just assumed it was all normal.

Back when I was single, I sometimes wished I had someone to go with to places but I always had fun doing it alone. I had my mother instead and we did shopping together.

Hey my mom told me yesterday lot of people like being alone and prefer to be alone. She acted like this was all normal to want to be alone. But ironically she got on my back last year about not having friends and I should get some.

My husband said that too about feeling alone and wanting friends but not quite getting there. It was a daily struggle for him. My husband is a genius so people were probably pretty boring to him. I was always bored at my friends houses. I remember when I was in grade school going to their houses and being bored because they just wanted to play with dolls. Pretend play wasn't my thing/

I was more of a mascot, i guess. I was often shut out of groups and did become pretty anxious and sad as a younger kid because I just didn't get it. Sometimes people kept me around but would have these jokes with each other and I had no idea they were about me until someone was blunt enough to tell me. If it was obvious enough (such as the bus), I would just say something back to them I saw on a movie. That just feed them. What stress. I still felt the desire to have friends but then was usually bored. I really just wanted to get out of my house due to other reasons - home environment bad (mom was great). If the home environment wer different, I probably would have been happier just staying at home.

As a child you are almost conditioned to think that something is wrong with you if you dont' have a group of friends. The people who have a lot of friends seemed to get better grades and were treated better by teachers and others. It's a complete conditioning of our culture.

I do believe it is changing, though. With Smart Phones (just got one, love it), internet...computer era, people are socializing in a different way that doesn't involve direct social interaction.. It seems like society is actually going in the direction that aspies will really be successful with social "networking" so to speak. No need for the nonverbal communication while talking to someone over the internet. There are groups who just play games against each other online. There is the instant chat (more for those extremely bored NTer). It seems like the younger generation would perfer to be on the internet and do social things that way then actually go out with people in real life. I believe that in another ten years, people will be viewed as "strange" if they just want to go out all the time. Perhaps I am wrong.

Even with that said, most, not all, NT's will still have some intuition concerning social situations but even they will probably have some difficulty. The more you are apart from other people in varying social situations, the harder it is go back in. Its like you forget how to do it (or is that just me). I would think it's true for everyone to a certain extent. So lets see what happens in 10 to 20 years with how people socialize. It is my bet that some people on the spectrum will feel like they fit in a little more because at social events people will be talking more about tech stuff. People will close conversations sooner because they will be on their phones looking something up or reading the latest news. It's already happening.

Regarding your mom - a lot of people, especially extroverts will say that but will then think something is wrong with you when you don't have the amount of friends they think you need. That drives me crazy. Friends? I have my work "friends" Internet "friends" church "friends" are any of them true friends, probably not. What are friends anyways? When do you cross the line of being "coworker" or acquaintance to friend??

Also, a lot of people will automatically assume you are depressed if you don't have the desire to socialize. It's much easier now that I am married to a guy who understands the love of solitude. We like to get together with a few other people who play strategy games. Now that is my idea of a fun night.

So, to everyone on here who is AS or ND - times are changing. They are. You will see more NTers feeling awkward in social situations, getting more anxious and bored.

Last edited by natesmom on 24 Dec 2009, 6:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't know but I am the same about being alone as they are about being together. One day when I transferred departments at work I was disturbed that my coworkers all got done at the same time and we walked to the bathroom together, and utterly shocked to find, when I exited the stall, that they were standing side by side along the sink...waiting. for. me. to. finish. peeing. It was one of the most bizarre moments of my life. When I opened the stall door I felt like I was walking down the ramp of a spaceship onto an alien planet. Who does this. Women I think in general are much worse. I dropped out of nursing school in part because of stuff like this. We worked a twelve hour shift at the hospital, and we only had a half an hour lunch. No other breaks. During the lunch we were FORCED to eat at the same table together. I skipped the lunch, going twelve hours without a meal, just to get a break from my school mates. I sat in an equipment room on that floor by myself for a half an hour, to try and un'over-stimulate' myself.

I think it is a genetic imperative, there is safely in numbers. Or maybe they know if a predator comes they have a better chance in groups of not being the one eaten. With us, we have to outsmart the predator, or we are screwed.

NTs are the dogs of the human race. They need to be in a packm wherever they go. Aspies on the other hand, are the cats of the human race. It doens't bother us to go places by ourselves.

I an NT and I love solitude and I happily go to the movies by myself. I'm not too fond of going to parties where I don't know anybody, not because I can't bear being without "my pack", but because being social and mingle with strangers takes more effort than being at a party with friends. To me, being a relatively introvert persion, it is less relaxing.
My spouse and I are both NTs that love being together but simultaneously being withdrawn into our own minds. The greatest compliment I've given my spouse was this: "Being with you is just as relaxing and natural as being just by myself." We can sit for hours in relative silence just doing our things. This is also NT reality.

I love solitude. Until I leave the house and go somewhere. I'd much, much rather go with someone. Someone is almost always going to be my SO, though.
There are exceptions, but for me it /is/ a fear response.

People who prefer to socialize are just people who prefer to socialize. I try to stay away from them, as we tend to baffle each other.

Same thing happened to me. Aspies/NT's just are fundamentally different in nature. I think the need to avoid isolation and do things in groups comes from a combination of factors; fear (fear of being seen as an "outcast"), loneliness (NT's get much lonelier much faster than aspies tend to do when away from other people, they don't have their own internal world like we do to entertain them - not saying they don't have an internal world at all, but just that it's not the same as ours), they don't see the point (group activities are used as a way to establish heirachies, friendships, connections, and relationships and work your way up the ranks) - NT's rarely go someplace for the sole surface purpose of going there; like they won't watch a movie just to see the movie, in fact, seeing the movie itself is probably towards the very bottom of their motivations for going to the cinema most of the time.

In a way, NT's do have a "special interest"/other layer to their lives in the same way aspies do; the special interest of an NT is socializing, simple as that. And it is an extremely complex process. Because the vast majority of aspies don't have the socializing special interest, we fill the gap with other special interests unique to ourselves.

Good analogy.

Whenever we speak of these things, we are speaking in terms of majorities, not absolutes. Obviously there are going to be exceptions to the rule, and I see you're one of them. However, simply going by what I see on the street, I'd say at least 80% of NT's are pack animals and fit into my previous description.

BTW, just to clarify, I don't mean any of this in a negative way (I can see that possibly the tone of my comments could be misconstrued as negative(?)), I think all people are fascinating in their differences, and everyone has due reason, cause, and motivation to do things they way they do. Different lifestyles work for different people, according to their motivations.