Criticism

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I was criticized and picked at quite harshly when I was a kid. I was frequently cross-examined by parents and teachers, and constantly accused of lying when I wasn't. Absolutely nothing I could do was ever good enough.

The result is that I can't handle criticism at all, whether it's based on fact or not, whether it's constructive or not, and whether the criticizer is nice about it or not. I severely beat myself up and feel like I am a bad person. I am working very hard to 1) accept constructive and well-meaning criticism as a healthy learning experience, and 2) understand that if someone is just being mean, it's not my fault.

Deeply ingrained experiences from my past make this hurdle difficult to clear, however.

And by this you have been a critic to yourself and by doing so you doing more to make yourself a better person then most.

not well

It depends on what mood I'm in and how it's given. I'm perfectly fine with it when it is given in a friendly and constructive way. When it is childish bashing I get upset.

Thank you for your kind words. It's things like that that keep me going even when I want to quit, which is often. I try my best.

I know the feeling almost every night I go to sleep hoping I don't wake up, I am long past been suicidal but still wish it could all end, for I just don't like reality and moment that seem to make it worth while are rare and never lasting while what my head imagine when I close my eye is almost always enjoyable even if wouldn't make any sense in someone else head. Mostly see some kind of light imagery for all my thought look pretty to me and it is how thing come classify in my head most of the time. Also one of the reason I have hard time to communicate for freaking hard to traduce the meaning of those light into comprehensive word in a fluent verbal exchange.

Have you ever had or thought about the services of a coach? Someone you could trust to speak to you in privacy and quietly discuss things whenever you have a question about something or s/he sees or hears something you might want to evaluate a bit. My wife sometimes does that for me, and even one of my bosses at work.

Yes, that is a big part of the "working very hard" that I mentioned in my first post. Coaching does help a lot. I actually have a "team" of coaches at this point, and the lines of communication between them are open. Although it sounds like I'm not doing all that well, I'd be doing a heck of a lot worse without this great support system.

Yeah, I'm not suicidal anymore but I definitely would love for the pain to end. It doesn't help that every time I seem to feel a littl bit of self-confidence, THAT'S when someone's criticism sends me crashing back down again.