Perfectionism getting in the way of working

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What I find odd is that they can be these things and still say those things.
That seems like a rather stupid thing to say, if they are your boyfriend and best friend they ought to know better.
And at least not be such a**holes.

We can't come to that definite conclusion. They might be trying to be encouraging in a way they intend as matter-of-fact.

I know I sometimes ask someone again because my first question and their first response did not fully register with me. And that makes it hard for them to read if I also sometimes ask them in a raise-the-ante, 'hey, this is really important to me, if there's any possible way you can help' type of way.

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'Hey, I'm Aspie, sometimes I might need to be a little more direct, sometimes you might need to be a little more direct' <--- I have been experimenting with different ways of disclosing, and this one might be pretty good.

ah, yes, about journalism . . .

I struggle with regular jobs because I like to think them through and do them well on my own terms, instead of trying to fit in. Yes, all those problems which I'm sure many people here are very, very familiar with.

And print media is not growing. And the Internet has not yet found ways to make the same kind of money.

M_p_furo - thanks I actually finally am having some luck! Yay! Also, PS, your avatar is doing things to my brain. Those little teeth!! !

Ursaminor, yeah I think they just really couldn't relate to me because these things don't happen to them. As Aardvark suggested, they are not bad people but thank you for sticking up for me!

So in case anyone was wondering/cared, here's how things worked out:

Last night, my boyfriend finally agreed to help me, but the way he tried to help, proved he still didn't "get" my problem. He sat down in front of the computer, with the files open, and then said, "Ok, tell me where you want me to make the cuts, and I'll do it for you." (Yes he knows how to edit video too). I was totally lost, because I can easily make the cuts myself; it was the decision-making that was the issue. Frustration and no words coming out of my mouth.

Then he got impatient/annoyed, and I got sad, so I excused myself and went to lie down. When he realized how upset I was, he came after me and asked if I wanted him to just do the whole thing for me. Not what I wanted, but I wasn't getting anywhere alone, so I agreed, as long as he let me watch.

Well, I was so amazed at how casually he just threw things together, not agonizing over any of his choices, deleting edits if they didn't work, trying different, seemingly random orders and effects, not even knowing what the final outcome was going to be, or seeming to care. I have never ever worked that way on anything, not even my paintings.

Within 15 minutes I couldn't take it - I saw so many "better" choices than the ones he was making (hehe)! So I started making suggestions, and before I knew it, I was calling the cuts.

Then I worked on it by myself for another 3 hours and I was able to halfway finish the basic sequence, and plan out the rest of it in my head, which is HUGE. I think I can get it done by the end of the day today, which was unthinkable yesterday. And all because seeing someone else work, gave me the confidence to do it alone.

I wonder how many things people with AS can accomplish if they just have someone else around to give them that little "push" or "start" that they need to do new things. I wish I could hire someone to be my personal "pusher" lol.

@ Aardvark - Oh I see . Yes I have some writer acquaintances who do internet work for free because of the economy. It's terrible because writing is one of the foundations of civilized society so I don't know where anyone gets off thinking it's not worth paying for. I would love to read some of your pieces. Have you ever considered broadcast journalism or video journalism (freelance, not a 9-5 position)? Everything today is about moving pictures ...plus, I know a GREAT up and coming video editor...

I'm really glad you are making progress. I'm not sure what it is, but sometimes I need someone to start the process in order for me to do it. Like you said, I just need that little push.

I'm also really glad that you did have some support from your boyfriend. My boyfriend often thinks that I should have no problem thinking just like him...or doing things just like him. It's good that your boyfriend seems to be coming to that realization that in order to help you, he is going to have to actually try to understand you.

If my avatar is too bothersome, I'll take it down. The lil' guy is actually quite funny in the larger picture....well in my opinion. LOL His teeth look like human's teeth.

I have a distorted sense of humor.

I'm a manager and do pretty well using my talents and avoiding my weaknesses.

I have two main challenges in this area

1 - I always see issues with a plan, they're never perfect and i can always find a problem, which i then feel the need to improve or fix. This can get me in a loop of constantly working on something, either not finishing it on time or spending more time on it than it deserves. I have to force myself to accept imperfection based on the reality of available time, business needs and likelyhood of the target audience caring/noticing.

2 - I have to work hard to force myself to consider the business needs, otherwise i end up focusing on my own interests, be that perfection in a niche item or just improvement in some random inefficient process, rather than focusing on the things that have the most business impact.

So yes, i consistantly have to fight my perfectionism at work. I also have to fight against perfectionism of understanding, both me understanding others and them me and accept that (aparently...) it's ok to get things wrong at times rather than spend more time on clarification. Still don't really understand this, but i accept it as a fact of life for everyone else and only allow myself a certain amount of time or questions to get the info i need before i leave it and work with what i have.

I wrote some about H&R Block in our 'Jobs' section a while back (and might update it). I feel a little guilty because they are a former employer, but just a little guilty, because there are some real negatives to the bank products and we really do not do a good job disclosing them.

Okay, something I'd like to do is to look at the recent recession and the possible recovery now, and initially look at it in terms of two basic approaches: A person can either be a balance-the-budgeter or a prime-the-pumper. Now, I think priming the pump is clearly the way to go, that a national economy is not just a household budget, that a much better analogy is a shark swimming forward that has to keep swimming forward, flaws at all. But, I also want to lay the facts on the table as honestly as I can, whether these facts agree with my views or not.

Okay, about the Toyota recall and the sudden acceleration, I bet that middle managers perceived that upper executives didn't want too many problems brought to them. Most organizations work that way. So, that's the way I would initially approach it, but I would be willing to be proved wrong. If the facts show that something else was more significant, I'd be willing to go to that direction. That is, I'm not going to approach a story with sterile "neutrality." I am going to have my viewpoint, but I'm going to have the intellectual honesty to say what it is and to include facts that argue against it.

I have more thought about radio.

For example, Ira Glass's "This American Life." He finds stories, loosely connected around a theme. Sometimes, they're not particularly good. But sometimes they are so amazingly good I can't believe I'm hearing this on radio, and I'm left wondering why all radio isn't this good.

I've also enjoyed some of Jim Bohanon's shows. He's a talk show host from ten years ago or so. He's more on the conservative side, whereas I'm more on the liberal side. But what I like about him is that he will let facts trump ideology. He will just let a messy fact get out there and be whatever it will be, without thinking that we have to immediately explain it. And he often has a sense of humor. This is on domestic issues. On foreign policy, he tends to follow much more of a party line.

In addition, when I took speech therapy for a speech impediment (difference) I would read sections of books outloud for practice and listen to them back on a microcassette player, and I would sometimes add my own commentary. So, in a way, I was a little bit practicing for a radio show right there!

I would do my own thing. I would take the above two for inspiration. But I would do my own projects in my own way.

It sounds like you’re doing fine, and getting good feedback for what tends to work and what doesn’t, and thinking through the various approaches (personally, I know I have more energy for messy and awkward tasks if I plan to dive into that task when I first show up).

One thing I’d like to ask you about is scheduling, which is awfully important to employees and a task that seems to be inherently nonperfect! What have you found that generally tends to work for you in this area?

Talking with an employee of a credit card company about fraudulent charges, she asked me if I had the card. She asked me something else or told me something else, and then asked, Are you holding the card right now in your hand?!

It was very off putting. Later, I wish I would have said, No, I’m sorry, you get one chance to ask the question, and the fact that you later think of a better way to ask the question, I’m sorry, you still only get one chance.

It was like she didn’t believe me. It was noncommunication. (It was only noncommunication, but then again, noncommunication is serious.) She transferred me to the security department, and they were much more reasonable and matter-of-fact about the whole thing.


And I do the same thing.

I don’t think the other person is sufficiently engaged, so I essentially ask the same question again. Chances are, they are probably then even less engaged. It’s off putting. So, maybe something oblique, with eyes, or just saying the person’s name to get their attention, then the question in a brief way. And perhaps it’s best afterall if they’re only medium engaged. Too engaged they might be defensive (well, maybe not always, but I tell myself that the middle is probably okay, that good enough really is good enough). But in any case, the person is as engaged as he or she is at that time. That is part of the texture of the real situation.

And if you can be easily and matter-of-factly proactive that gives you more chance to correct things in the regular flow of business. And if you can’t, well, a lot of management is crisis management anyway.

Get there slightly early and play a middle-of-the-road game. I mean, what else can you do as a manager? (I tell myself this kind of stuff to calm myself down and to remind myself, hey, they’re pretty lucky to have me here working.)

Schedules are one of my major areas of conflict. I hate to feel trapped by a schedule, having to do certain things at certain times and have expectations thrust upon me. Just now my wife rang and casually asked when i would be home, i know she won't even hold me to it and it's not a problem if i'm late, but i refuse to answer, not becuase i have any plans to be late, but becuase it's possible i may decide later to be late and then i've already comited to something else and need to explain myself and change the plan, plus there's no need to comit, she's not going to go out, or do anything different, we won't start dinner til i'm home so just wait and i'll tell you later.
I'm like this with everything, i do not want to comit to anything until the point where nothing else is possibly going to change or the critical point is upon us for decision making.

That said, i'm a controling information gatherer, i need to know exactly what is happening around me in the world to decide what i'm going to do myself. So * don't want to be commited, but i want to know exactly what you're doing so i can keep it in mind whilst making my way through the day.

So in one sense i need schedules and plans to work to, but i don't want to be part of them. I want to know the rest of the worlds plan so i know what my options are and make my final decisions only when i have to.

I am always checking facts multiple times due to deciding the other person hasn't properly understood or hasn't considered all the possibilities. Usually they answer too quickly, meaning they can't possibly have considered the question properly, or they respond flippantly as though it's a silly or obvious question, in which case they've definitely not understood it properly.
I'm not very good at this as people usually get upset and give me another quick reply, again missing the point but now becuase they're feeling emotional about being challenged or not being belived.

Yes, I think I know what you mean. To a considerable extent, the perfectionist approach often feels the most 'in sync' to me. And I do want to know what other people are going to be doing.

OMG, same here! >A<;;;;
The one thing that really gets ME is that I feel like I have to do something in a certain order (like the most efficient order I guess) and I can't go to the next thing until I do the first step because not finishing it might compromise the next step, but for some reason I get stuck really bad on practically every other step, and it seems IMPOSSIBLE to get past these blocks.

The best thing for me, recently, has been to talk it out in my head. Talk out the tiny steps so I can figure out what CAN'T be done and what SHOULD be done and what WILL be done and how I can accomplish it. So yes, I guess that's a lot like what you do when you write it all down. :3 And when I talk to myself I usually talk to an imaginary buddy, so that's like your first step even!! XD;;

It's still not usually good enough though, I still procrastinate a lot. D: But it's getting better. We can do it, I know it!!