The Desire for Acceptance

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When I got to high school I decided that I was now going to be popular, and conducted a social "experiment" to see if imitating the other kids exactly, from dress, to speech patterns, to interests, would work towards that end. I did not end up being the #1 most popular girl in school, but, compared to getting beat up and having food thrown at me in grade school, it was largely a success. But it actually made me hate the popular kids even more, because it proved how superficial they were: they didn't like me when I spoke properly and wore "nerdy" clothes, but now that I could say "wassup" and sported low-cut tops, even though I was the SAME PERSON, we were all pals? Outrageous.

Anyway, there's a point to this, and that is this: I discovered that none of those people were happy. After I got to know them, I saw that they were all "faking it" to a certain extent; denying themselves their own individual quirks for fear the group would reject them. And most likely, socialites in the grown up world are not much different.

Today, I've left my uber-conforming persona behind (it eventually led to depression, BTW), and try to embrace my natural oddities even if people think I'm weird. However, I often deal with Hollywood types (media people, actors, etc) in my freelance work, and maintain an unholy number of Facebook "friends" for work purposes. And frankly, popularity is so closely related to unpopularity in terms of it's mental effects, I'd say they are just two sides of the same coin. That's why I keep these nutty people at arm's length, and even as I put on the fake smile and take their money, I never let myself be affected by what they might think of me, because I know their judgments stem from insecurity.

My mother says she is impressed by how I went from being so socially awkward to being so "popular." But how does being "popular" feel to me? The same as having eggs thrown at me when I was eight: I close my eyes and keep walking.

And yes, this post is too long and reads like an essay. My apologies, I will try harder next time.

I don't necessarily want to be "ACCEPTED."
But I would like to be "VALUED" for who I am and what I am.
I think I have craved that my whole life....to be valued for who I am in a society and a culture that does not seem very embracing of difference or eccentricity.

The other part of the equation for me - and it has to do with the way my traits manifest in me -is that I cannot FEEL being valued by others, even when I am. I may experience it cognitively, but I rarely get a deep sense of being valued by others.

I am not as asocial as someone like danielsmyname describes.
At times I get darn lonely. But the ongoing complexities of relating with others, the confusion of it and a lifetime's hisotry of being a female who "gets it all screwed up because of being too eccentric and blunt" has meant that these days I do not really bother.

I can go through phases off medication when I am so locked into my autism that i barely speak. But when the co-morbids of depression and anxiety are alleviated a little, I can function better, as I am at present. That means I have a bit more to do with people, but I still require 6 hours a day on my own at least.

Last weekend I spoke at an ASD conference. I enjoy those. I LOVE public speaking as it is like glorified monologuing for me and I can be VERY quirky and make people laugh A LOT. I like that I am valued in that context. It gives me a sense of connection with the world a bit. it gives me a sense of value.
But the cost of that is that I spent two days in bed this week sleeping to recuperate from the change in routine and the added stimuli.

For me it is about being valued as opposed to being accepted and in my life, that is an important distinction.
But It is like an elusive "Holy Grail" for me. Because even when I am valued a bit in a practical way (e.g - at the conference -and i have to have that tangible and practical expression of it for it to make sense to me) it is fleeting and gone as soon as the brief visit is over. )

I live in behind a glass screen. Deep and lasting connection is not really there.

I like your attitude. That's what the comic book artist Chris Ware writes about. It's ok to get old.

I understand, but it is good that you push yourself to do these things. You might be surprised that as you do it more and more, it gets just a tiny bit easier (the recovery). Plus, you can get paid to host events if you get really good. Sometimes I will host an event, or be a presenter, and not work the rest of the week, but the money is worth the 2-3 days locked in my apartment doing sudokus over and over again to calm down, because it's still better than a daily 9-5. And if you develop a following, they can make you feel quite valuable, in their own way.

Just something to consider. Hugs

If acceptance means giving up on my special interests, than I'll leave it.

But it is an odd thing, that I never suffered from bullying.
My mother said it was because I did not have a hidden agenda and that may be true to some extent.
I was going to type that many people here do not seem to have a hidden agenda but they try very hard to be friends and that may be a sort of hidden agenda.

I'll take freedom, instead.

How did this get into people discussing Capitalism and Communism?

Has absolutely nothing to do with any of that, at least not in the context I was referring to.

It was all my fault.... .......I suggested that capitalism might be partly responsible for the coldheartedness of mainstream society which makes it more difficult to belong or to want to belong.

It's hard for me to answer a question without pondering why the answer is that way. Just my expansive, inquiring mind I guess. No harm intended.

Capitalism, consumerism, leads to desire for acceptance, which those things thrive on.
In some way, they are quite related.