Hurting His Feelings Unintentionally

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So there you go, you both live together so you can both spend time together at home. Do you have video games or movies to watch? You can do those together. Do you have board games to play? You can do those together. How about cooking together?

My husband and I feel we spend our time together by doing computer in the same room. I feel I am spending my time with him when we go grocery shopping. I wish I could take him to one of the autism groups that was just formed last month and it's for people with related conditions too. I think my husband fits that. But he doesn't like crowds and people so I don't make him. I don't want to force him to do things he doesn't want to do because I wouldn't like it if that happened to me.

But I am the type of person who wants the same things in return so if I were to do things just to be with him and to make him happy but yet he wouldn't do it for me, I would feel hurt. Luckily he does do them in return only because he wants to because I wanted him to come such as when I brought him to my autism group pot luck.

Hi there,

My partner is a social animal, where as I am not.

He has no fear and jumps off cliffs on his dirt bike, and that is not something I even want to do.....

He likes loud music, where I do not.....

So we conflict sometimes on that level.....

But these things are what made me fall in love with him.......he is the mirror of me, reflective but reversed, and I admire him for it.

I am the motivator, he is the doer......I am the logic, he is the practical......he is the barometer of socialisation and "reality", I am the philosopher.....

And we both love science.......

You do not have to do everything together......but some things are good.......and if you can't find something you both love, some compromise is inevitable.

Take care and don't feel bad if you cannot do........just "be" and all else will follow

Mics

I know that when we got together, I made an effort to learn about and share my husband's interests -- for example, he likes football. He played football in high school and is a big fan of NFL football. I had never had any interest in it, but sta down to watch games and have him explain the rules to me. While I'll never be the fan he is, I discovered that I do like watching the occasional game -- especially if it's the Steelers! As for him, he had dismissed the Harry Potter books as "baby books" and "stupid" without trying to read them. I love the series, so he agreed to let me read Book One to him, and he got hooked. We own all the books and all the movies except 6.

At the same time, neither of us is afraid to tell the other when we don't want to do something. For example, there is a bar my group tends to frequent that I simply do not like. It is far too loud. So if the group is planning on meeting there, he goes and doesn't insist I come. We do a lot of stuff together, but I don't think that couples need to be together 24/7. Maybe you could look for something you and your husband both like to do as a couples' activity. (If you don't want to go out, try a jigsaw puzzle, join an MMORPG, find an online book group, play cooperative console games, cook dinner together...just a few ideas.) Maybe use his walks as private time for you, and do something you love that he's not into. (I use my husband's nights at the loud bar to watch all the TV shows I like and he doesn't -- like The Big Bang Theory -- and take a candlelight bubble bath!)

I can see your husband's point of view, but if you find it too hard to leave the house, he needs to accept that. Hopefully he is flexible enough to look at other options for couple time. Couples do need couple time to stay healthy and happy, but that's not going to work if one of you is doing something that makes you miserable!

It bothers me so much that I do this. I just go by my first gut reaction, which is, "I don't wanna." We're both going to something we'll both enjoy tonight but he is tired and only doing it for me. He also took a walk to the store today and yesterday to buy me things I needed. I hope I can become more aware because it's a frustrating behavior for me to have.

It sounds like he kind of has a point. I would try to work on it, but make sure he knows it's a work in progress and you can't immediately shift to doing it his way. I'm assuming he knows you have an ASD, so I think if you show you're making an effort or compromising, he will work with you.

I have an NT boyfriend, too. It's hard sometimes because our minds work in different ways. I think the only reason it has worked is because I try to communicate my differences to him so he can understand. Plus he's really, insanely patient. It's going to be harder for you since you don't like going out and if it's impossible for you, he needs to understand that too.

Good luck. I hope it turns out for you.

I was also told much the same thing by my NT ex-wife. It's a very difficult situation and it's good that you are aware of it and trying to address it now. Because over time, it's possible the NT partners resentment about being denied what they regard as a "perfectly normal aspect of relationships", will increase to the point that they will give up on the relationship. Eventually you get to doing *nothing* together, and at some point both of you realise you are with the wrong person

I think it's much harder for Aspies to engage with something (or someone) that they have no interest in. The different way our minds work doesn't help. The NT seems OK with doing something they have little interest in but makes their partner happy. And they expect this in return. Our minds don't go quite like this, we like 'space' , so give the NT 'space' to do what they want and say "oh, I don't mind you doing that without me", only this feels like total rejection to them!

A relationship has to be more than 2 people in the same room together, more than 2 people engaged in the same activity together. Aspies do not seem good at communicating this 'something more' to the other, so the partner soon feels rejected and the Aspie has no idea why. And eventually the NT partner starts questioning the 'effort' you have to put in just to be around them, as to them, other people generally are not 'effort' at all.

ManErg is absolutely right. It's difficult for aspies to engage in things they're not interested in, and sometimes you have to do things like that to have a successful relationship. It's possible that there is really no choice other than to force yourself to at least be there, if not participate. In a lot of cases all the other person really needs is to see some evidence of effort made on your part.

Yeah, I did it last night. I was impatient and demanded to go out when he was working on something. I got scolded all the way there. Then, I've already done stuff twice this morning, waking him up at 6 because of something I wanted to do. *sigh* I need help.

I used to have a similar problem, but my NT husband and I managed to reach a balance.

He can still do things I don't like by himself or with friends and I never ask him to join me when I want to do something he doesn't enjoy.

But the most important is that we've talked about it and found several activities we both enjoy and we always do those together, even if it means postponing or giving up other things. I carefully plan these occasions and make sure they are frequent enough to avoid frustration. If I'm really not up to it once in a while I compensate later or just do something nice for him when I feel better or more social. It takes some effort but it's worth it.

If he can't accept you at your worst he doesn't deserve you at your best.

We've had a great day. BF is exceptionally tolerant and understanding, compassionate about my condition. He loves and accepts me no matter what. But, there are some things I agree he shouldn't have to put up with and they usually involve my impatience and selfishness lately. Yeah, a lot of that is driven by my aspie mindset but that doesn't mean that I can't grow. I've leaned a lot today about myself through our conversations. I think I've been way too hard on myself and expecting too much too fast. He's not doing that.. even when he gets really frustrated.