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People actually want to do nothing about the source of the emotion, but rather deal with the emotion itself?
I know! Crazy, isn't it? As far as technical or research terms for this go, I can't help you.
Oddly enough, my wife graduated with a degree in psychology. That means she's got a pretty good handle on me, but she still struggles with taking an objective look at herself.
But yes, there are people who do tend to avoid the source of the emotion. And you're absolutely right, negative emotions have specific causes that, were they to be avoided, would likely (you'd think) solve an ongoing problem.
The reality, though, is much different. Instead of finding a solution to causative factors, many people would rather do something like close their eyes and just wish the problem away. OK, don't slap me for a pop psych reference, but I hear Dr. Phil say all the time that people have to "take ownership" of their issues. Dr. Phil is really good about taking something that sounds warm and fuzzy and making it a blanket statement for the entire population. However, in a lot of cases, this is true. People don't want to "own" their problems because that puts them in the pilot's chair of having to take care of things directly. They fear the confrontation and don't want to take the steps of corrective action. There are some bad situations they might find themselves in and don't realize that the immediate situation is only a bad means to a better end. They'd rather just suffer through ongoing problems than face an ugly showdown, even if things are much better in the end. An example might be telling off the boss in a job you really care about at the risk of getting fired. On the one hand, diplomacy might yield a better and more productive work environment. On the other hand, even the best-handled confrontations (they need not be hostile) can end with the boss giving you the ol' "@#$% you." So even if you did get fired, wouldn't that just mean you're better off looking for work elsewhere? Or maybe a little more down to earth: If you're in a toxic relationship, friend or otherwise, does it not make sense to just stay away from people who make you crazy? Friends and lovers that make you feel that way aren't really friends and lovers, in my opinion. It may hurt deeply to cut those people off, but why not if that's what has to happen? More often, I would think someone who's supposed to care for you might say, "I had no idea you felt that way! I'm so sorry. How can we fix this?"
I don't think MOST people are in that category, but I think we all know people who'd rather just suffer even when they have the power to change direction. I also think that some people can also develop an addiction to bad situations and negative emotions. I'm not talking about certain of the Emos and "Waspies" who act absurdly whiny and depressed just to fit in and get attention. The more stupid they look, the happier they are! (I'm not accusing anyone here, ok? But we all know who these people are!) An extreme example might be the girl you hear about that had a truly awful (non)relationship with her father, probably got slapped around a lot when she was a teen, ended up with with some hillbilly with meth mouth who promised her he'd get her away from all that, gets a divorce after he slaps her around while she's pregnant, and ends up with another hillbilly with meth mouth who makes and breaks same promises. It's kinda like people in prison/rehab/mental facilities. You get institutionalized to it after a while, and it become all you want. Your fulfillment lies in your unhappiness. Again, that's just one extreme. There are probably infinite degrees of this kind of cognitive behavior, but there's certainly a martyr complex going on there. Stream of consciousness alert: Maybe you could do a google on "Martyr Complex." I just made that up, but there's nothing new under the sun these days. Maybe someone else has already come up with it!
And finally, you have the attention getters. I mentioned a couple of those in the preceding paragraph, but that could go on and on also.
I've had a lot of different experiences with groups of people like that. I'm not a scientist, just a passive observer (though there was that brief 5-year period working in the classroom). I'd come from an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship--the kind where you feel you need the other person just to breathe. The aspie in me (I didn't realize it at the time) had trouble just letting go when the relationship just wasn't working, and it took a string of really unfortunate circumstances for me to build the courage to end it. My wife might have fit in there with the whole martyr category at one time, but one thing I made sure of early on was assuring her that I really wouldn't hurt her like her previous boyfriend did. I also encouraged her to act boldly and let her own personality shine through. Now she doesn't take crap from ANYONE, and I have to remind her that she has to be gentle with me (sensory overload is a killer--her rants would send ME into an anxiety attack).
Along the same lines as the addiction response, I think some people build up so much internalized rage that they enjoy the adrenaline rush they get when they finally blow. My wife has had a rough couple of weeks. So as I was driving between jobs I gave her a call just to say "hello." She missed my call, but did call me back and IMMEDIATELY started screaming at me--so much that I couldn't make out much of what she said at first, and what little I did get wouldn't be suitable for this forum! What I've come to understand is that this is her therapy. She has to deal with the rage somehow, so she takes it out on me. Consequently, I've had to learn that much of the garbage I get from her does not have me as its source, but some other factor outside the relationship. To that end, I gently told her to give me some warning as to what's being dealt with. Similarly, going to counseling/therapy these days is not about someone pointing out your faults (it's confrontational and awkward). Rather it's more about someone leading you in the direction of revealing what those faults are. It's the idea that if YOU say it, it's easier to believe. My fault is that the Aspie brain wants a definitive, objective answer, and it frustrates me when people try to manipulate me into saying what they want me to say. HOWEVER, I've found that treating my wife like this in a non-patronizing way has always been the best approach. Remember, she's the psych grad, so I have to be really careful how I do this lest she recognize counseling techniques when I pull them on her!
So for the most part, I think a lot of what we have to deal with is helplessness, whether it's learned behavior or unique to the situation. If you really cannot effect change in an emotional situation, the best thing you can do is vent. It's only an immediate, temporary fix. Think about it. Why is it that so many people in counseling or therapy keep going back? This isn't a new thing, of course. People have relied on religious leaders since the beginning of time. I'm not Catholic, but I suspect that the act of confession is half therapy. I'm a Protestant, but even for me a spiritual confession (just me and God) is therapeutic. Even today there are people who rely on shamanistic leadership as a way of putting their problems on someone else. The fact that the problems are never solved is attested to in the ongoing pattern of returning to spiritual and emotional/behavioral counselors.
I half think that the business of counseling relies on that fact! When I was an undergrad, I went to visit the campus shrink on a few occasions. His advice did help, but he also asked me to come back for a follow-up session. I tend to think this would have been an ongoing thing had I done that, but I saw no point in going back!
And that leads to one last thing: If all your problems are solved, what would you have to complain about???
12 Mar 2010, 12:13 am
