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redwulf25_ci
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28 Mar 2010, 12:12 pm

I'd be willing to bet that the problem was at least partly with vocal tone. Tone of voice is something that gets me in a lot of trouble with my wife.



TheSpecialKid
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28 Mar 2010, 1:30 pm

A really good solution, even though you didn't do anything wrong, is to say: "I'm sorry".
And I think you should say it to your mom (cause you have nothing to say sorry for to your step-dad).

Just be like, and mean it: "I'm sorry if I was treating you bad tonight. It wasn't my intention."
That easy, and solves many problems.

The keyword is "if".



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28 Mar 2010, 2:06 pm

Avoid using the word "obviously" when pointing things out. People seem to interpret that as an attack on their intelligence (or so I've found).



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28 Mar 2010, 2:16 pm

CTBill wrote:
Avoid using the word "obviously" when pointing things out. People seem to interpret that as an attack on their intelligence (or so I've found).


That's obviously a good tip, thank you. :wink: On the serious side I think I do use that word a lot.


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28 Mar 2010, 3:12 pm

What's obvious for one isn't always obvious for someone else.

... Or else we wouldn't ask questions nor opinions on this board, would we?

For instance, it was obvious to Brittany2907 that the left drool was BIG.
But for her mum who was doing the cleaning, it was a tiny bit. That's obvious too, from her reply.

... Next time, you'd better do it yourself so it'll be done the way you like it to be and everybody will be happy.



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28 Mar 2010, 3:24 pm

It's kind of funny... in a weird way. I personally don't think what you said was rude and could see myself saying the same thing easily without thinking anything of it. BUT, I can also easily see it causing big issues.

It's a lot different reading something like this and responding, than it is to actually be involved in the situation on the receiving end.

My son does this a lot to me. I have to decipher whether or not he's intentionally saying things to me purposefully or not, and that is hard to do as well as an autie. Because, believe it or not, lol, he DOES do it on purpose at times as well... and that makes it very hard to figure out how to react.

Now, if he says something like "I was just saying..." then I know he likely didn't mean it to be rude. When he fixates on it, that is my queue, pretty much.

I've explained this to him... that I mess up ALL THE TIME when talking to others, lol, but that means I know what it's like too, so he needs to tell me if he meant it or not. It's hard not to take a lot of what he says personally, because he has meant it to be that way in the past many times.

For instance, I told him to do something one day, and he said "I don't have to listen to you, you know". What? Did he really just say that??? He laughed at me after saying it. Then, he realized he was making me angry, and covered it up quickly with, "I mean, technically, I could make my own choices, but would probably get into trouble a lot... so what was it you wanted me to do again?"

When things like that go on a lot, it's really hard to interpret the initial statements as anything but smart aleck. Does that make sense?

I have a feeling, that your stepdad was probably thinking you were intending it to be that way, and if he thought you were intending it that way, his next thought was probably, "why won't she do it herself?".

It's really tricky stuff... my mom used to get mad at me all the time for things like that when I didn't mean anything by it. Now that I don't live with her, she realizes I'm not meaning things that way... but I think it made a big difference while living with her, because she was in full parent mode, in which case, sometimes you just expect your kids to be that way and don't see the difference.


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28 Mar 2010, 3:43 pm

If the dog is such a source of conflict in the family, why don't you just get rid of it?



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28 Mar 2010, 4:06 pm

ASgirl wrote:
You were not rude but did you explain to your mother that you only asked her to wipe because you hadn't got any shoes on? If you did, then your mother and especially your step father shouldn't have a problem with you.


No I didn't explain to her that that's why I asked her to wipe it up. I guess I should have.
People say that those with AS often misinterpret what other people say but it seems that it my house it's the other way around. :?


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28 Mar 2010, 4:08 pm

Francis wrote:
If the dog is such a source of conflict in the family, why don't you just get rid of it?


The dog isn't directly the problem. It is more a problem about communication and misunderstandings. These problems will occur in lots of situations in life not just those related to dog drool.


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Brittany2907
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28 Mar 2010, 4:13 pm

Francis wrote:
If the dog is such a source of conflict in the family, why don't you just get rid of it?


The dog isn't the problem at all. This has only ever happened ONCE, which was yesterday, and we've had the dog for 8 years.

I don't think that the conflict is caused by any one thing specifically. We're just dysfunctional at times...
I accidently offend them, my step dad yells at me because he thinks that my mother can't stand up for herself and my mother sits back and lets him verbally attack me for something that I didn't intend to do because she doesn't want to argue with her husband.


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ursaminor
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28 Mar 2010, 6:27 pm

None of that made any sense to me.
Either your father was very late with his comment or something else happened.
I remember one time I told my sister her input was not needed in a conversation and she got angry at me and I could not understand.
Also I told her she was not necessary in my life and that made her cry but I do not know why because I know I am not necessary in my sister's life and it does not bother me.



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28 Mar 2010, 8:15 pm

Brittany2907 wrote:
I then said to my mum..."Obviously we have different definitions of the term 'a little bit'".

This can be seen as rude. I'd certainly get a bollocking for it if I said it to my mum or really any NT I can think of.
I think it's the fact that you disagreed with her, and your step dad just sounds like he heard only the last bit and is taking sides. Step parents are usually nasty to a kid that's not their own. Usually, not always.

If I try to correct my mum (like this time we were arguing when a TV show was on) she'll just lose it and say that I know everything and that she must be dumb. She is very oversensitive though.


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28 Mar 2010, 8:23 pm

TallyMan wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
TallyMan wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
When dealing with people in public, you never see them again so it wouldn't matter.


I think that tends to be the philosophy of many people who work in call centres supposedly sorting out the public's problems. The attitude of F*'em tends to prevail :wink:



Well I have heard of the talk about how you never see them again so it wouldn't matter what they say to you or what they think of you. Now I hear the same thing about the internet. You don't know those people and you will never see them in real life so their thoughts don't matter and who cares what they say to you.


Personally speaking just because I'm never going to meet someone again on the telephone, internet or in person is no reason to be deliberately rude to them though. There are enough misunderstandings as Aspies as it is without deliberately alienating people or hurting their feelings though an off-handed lack of consideration.

I've also noticed that people sometimes pop up in the most unexpected places. The world is smaller than many people realise. The person you were rude to last year turns out to be the person interviewing you for a job today, or the friend of a friend or the teacher of one of your kids or someone on the internet who could have helped you with something. Deliberately burning bridges with people you don't know isn't good practice - people have long memories and tend to "tittle-tattle" behind your back and can give you a bad reputation which can hurt you in unexpected ways.

Edit: I'll just add that over the years I've overheard many conversations between strangers who live hundreds of miles apart and it turns out they have something in common such as a school, workplace, association or online community etc and they immediately talk about the shared thing... often as not they both know someone in common maybe the person was a colleague to one, a neighbour or someone they knew at school or their cousins fiancée etc. It is always the most "spicy" bits of gossip about the person that are exchanged such as any scandal, legal wrong doing, aggressive or anti-social behaviour, rudeness / offhandedness etc. Some people build up a huge reputation amongst what are effectively strangers; and sooner or later that reputation can bite back.



Oh no I am not rude to people just because I will never see them again. I am polite and nice. I don't find it in my heart to be rude for no reason. I am only mean to people when they deserve it. I get pushed over the edge and that annoyed by them.



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28 Mar 2010, 8:41 pm

Brittany2907 wrote:
Do you think that what I did was rude or do you think that my step dad was just being over-sensitive?


It could be a bit of both. Some parents have a power trip about being the parent. They may consider it rude if you ask them to do something for you and will consider it rude if you ask them to do a better job. To make a big deal out of you asking her to wipe up some dog drool shows that your stepfather was being oversensitive.


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28 Mar 2010, 10:51 pm

My dad tells me every day how I treat him like s**t and how much of an a** I am, and my dad is a really nice guy. Every time I try to be helpful, people think I'm just telling them what to do...it makes me feel like I shouldn't even be allowed to talk to anyone. :(


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29 Mar 2010, 12:17 pm

You could have asked your mother to pass the towel to you so you could do it yourself, then she would understand that you weren't being lazy, and she might even have offered to do it herself anyway. I think your stepfather was oversensitive, but this is just an idea of how you could avoid a conflict if anything similar happens again.


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