Why are you trying to diagnose yourself?

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When I first encountered Aspergers (2004), I wasn't really looking for anything. I was used to how I was and accepted it as normal. Self-diagnosis was obvious, but it took years of talking with various experts before the diagnosis became official. Even now, there's not a lot I can do about the basic stuff although my listening and face dancing skills are slowly improving.

Because no one here has even heard of AS, unless they've read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time or House Rules. And based on the traits displayed by the characters with AS in those books, I'm very mild. I don't scream when touched, I can make fleeting eye contact (after much effort), can hold conversation for short periods of time (through scripting) and I can break from routine without much problem (but I don't like it). Never mind that I probably used to have the symptoms, but now I can bet that I won't be diagnosed because I have learnt to cope.

And my parents don't know what AS is and autism is often associated with things like speech and language delay, which I didn't have. Which just complicates everything.

I pass for normal but 'quirky', 'odd', 'excentric' etc when I'm out and about. That's the way its always been. My problems are mostly internal and become apparent to others only in close relationships, of which I have very few. Because I'm female, supposedly I'm more apt at mimicking and blending in (or so say the experts). Anyway, my point of all this is that I was still diagnosed. Admittedly, a regular psychologist would have ( and have in fact) said I had emotional problems or anxiety issues or even obsessive compulsive disorder. But since I went to an expert I was diagnosed.

I think if you manage to get someone who has experience in diagnosing adults, they'll be able to detect your compensating and pinpoint your problems. I guess they're typically hard to come by though, so I can see why s many are reluctant to seek diagnosis. Non-experts probably only recognize the steretypical cases of AS and autism.

I have no insurance and not enough money to pay the fees for a private doctor to diagnose.

On another thread there were suggestions about contacting this agency and calling and doing a dozen things tirelessly to try to find a study or a loophole or force some way to get tested. I'd like to ask - why? It would be a nightmare for me to do all of that calling and contacting and talking to people and then actually go there and have to do through all the tests and talking all about myself - just trying to bring a doctor up to speed all about me - and for what?

If I get the big diagnosis, nothing in my life changes. Nothing. But if I were able to do all of that to move the mountain and show up and do all of the testing, then heck I wouldn't be half as Aspergers as I think I am.

Here's a question for you - do you have days when you're more social than others? I do. At times I feel well prepared, can dress adequately (plenty of prep time) and know what to expect or I am in a good mood or have plenty of support at the time or something, well rested - it all plays a part. And then I'm VERY social and come off really well. It's a limited Force Field and I cannot sustain the energy drain to keep it in place long but at times it's really good. Then I have to recover.

If something gets planned or scheduled and it's NOT a social day - what then? I actually hide. I dodge the phone, fake an illness, don't answer the door - you name it. I play it off later with many apologies and an explanation about some 'normal' illness like a migraine or food poisoning or a bad cold or something. Thankfully I don't know the same people for a real long time or they'd catch on. But I've been doing this all of my life.

Sometimes the really well planned out and looked forward to days are good social days, but most of the time I can't predict what will be a good one and what will be a terrible one.

The most recent was a very small deal - meeting a person I used to work with 9 years ago. We were friendly at the time but never kept in touch. She found me and asked me to lunch, I agreed, thought it would be very easy breezy and no big deal but I didn't sleep a bit the night before, was disoriented and exhausted and miserable by morning and had to face the facts that I couldn't deal with it - just simply couldn't bring myself to go. I emailed with a sudden illness excuse and she said she understood and we'll get together another time. Now I'm dreading that and there's no specific date set yet.

Do you have social days and then impossible days?