Loving Your Parents

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It's interesting to see how many people here are not getting on with their parents. A close, 'bonded' (yukk!) family is supposed to be the given norm and can have huge practical and emotional benefits. I'm assuming the separateness we feel is a symptom of the AS traits?

As a child I loved my parents more or less unconditionally. This deteriorated through teenage years until after leaving home (at 19) I hardly saw them for maybe 15 years.

The biggest turnaround in my opinion of my parents has been having children myself. The challenge of being a good parent and 'doing the right thing' 100% of the time is nigh on impossible. But still we try. It's hard on so many levels - for one, I seem to be painfully aware of whenever my children display the slightest behaviour that could fall in the autistic spectrum. Concern for the child but also sometimes it can put me right back to being 6 or 7 again. Forgotten memories resurface and they're invariably unpleasant.

However, I now view the way my parents treated me in new light. I now think that they were aware that something was different about me and did their best to protect me from hurt. However, this was in the 1960's, life was harsher then and my parents were so much more ignorant than we are today. They would have no way of expressing what they could see happening around me. The point of my message: Eventually, I'm beginning to truly appreciate their efforts.

I still live with my parents, actually. I'm close to my mother, and not so much with my father. In fact, my mother has told me that I hung on to her for sustenance and support throughout much of my childhood. I'm older now, and trying to get away. There's just too much overwhelming things going on in my household. My mother is a severe diabetic, who has been in and out of clinics, and my father is distant and high-strung.

As for looking back in my childhood, punishment never really worked in my case. I was more or less withdrawn, and I just didn't care. I remember being grounded a few times, sneaking out the window and walking the streets late at night. I was sort of rebellious, but I also drifted from episodes of attachment to independence. Meltdowns were a commonplace during my puberty years, raging out of control on almost anything. I just hated people, really. I hated rules, regulations, and I just wanted to live by myself in my own personal space. I sort of always toyed with computers and things, and at times hated to go to the store and things. I mean. It's much better than that nowadays, but I'm still sort of screwed up emotionally. As a child, I didn't even understand the concept of punishment. I took it very personal and rebelled against any attempts for someone to control me.

In terms of loving my parents, I sort of don't know how to express that. I mean, I believe that I should love my parents for who they are. I'm close to my mother in many ways, so that's love, I assume. But, like, I hate to kiss and give hugs to anyone. I get very annoyed when asked to, and my mother has asked on numerous occasions.

I don't know why I'm ranting about this. It's sort of a bit too personal, at times bothersome.

- Ray M -

I don't think I'm quite as close with my parents as I used to be (probably due to the fact that I've had a hard time taking them seriously). But I still love them none the less. I think I would have a problem loving other humans unconditionally though. I don't take humans nearly as seriously as God. Maybe thats my 'rebelous, authority hating youth' side talking.

I didn't and don't (posthumously) except hopefully in the Christian sense that you're supposed to 'love' everybody as God's children, etc., even mass-murderers, et al. Aspie1 touched on a lot of it. And it's not because of the cr*p claim that AS people are cold and don't feel normal emotions or all care more about their interests than people. (That was truer of me as a kid - I was more autistic then - and even NT kids are selfish.) I can and do have Hallmark-cardish feelings, and real ones like gratitude, for people who deserve them. They didn't deserve the first kind. The closest I get is feeling sorry for them. Sure, they gave food and shelter - because the law said they had to. Beyond that I had no life and they did f*ck-all to help. In fact they got in the way and actively did some harm.

Like some of you, mine essentially hated me for having what I now know is AS. But at the same time they made it impossible for me to recover from the AS!

Did they enjoy punishing me? Hell, yeah! It's taken me a long time to understand how punishment works with NTs. A friend my age with kids fairly applying corporal punishment taught me a lot. (It's an absolute last resort used only on young children in a certain age range and you never do it in public, use instruments or hit the face - just smack the bum.)

I needed real parents - grownups like some of you had who got you the help you needed; they really love(d) you. Instead, mine were ashamed and took it out on me.

As for seeing my parents cry, I was freaked out every time I saw my mother do it but with my father, the one who hated me more because he was über-NT, I burst out laughing as well. Not really something to be proud of but what happened, happened. Now that I 'get' AS that probably wouldn't have happened.

I can forgive a lot now that I know what's wrong with me. I can even understand them not liking me and feeling shame. I think that covers the commandment about honouring them. (More to the point I go to work, pay taxes, go to religious services, etc. - that's how the commandment applies to me.) But adults, especially NT ones, have a high standard to live up to: 'does one do the right thing in spite of those feelings?'

God have mercy on them. As for me, I'd be fine if I never saw them again... except maybe an enlightened-by-death version of my dad whom I could just talk to and explain what the hell was going on all those years, and he'd be cool with it. Couldn't do that with the guy I knew.

I can feel bad for my mother who may have been un-dx'd on the spectrum herself and my dad who was overwhelmed - he had to put up with the both of us and didn't know what was wrong!

If I hadn't left home at 22 and never gone back I wouldn't be nearly as close to NT as I am now. I'll be 40 this year.

P.S. One thing that makes growing up and getting on with parents harder for us with AS is that our articulateness and intelligence about some things are used against us. What I mean is a Down syndrome child, for example, gets sympathy but we don't. When you have parents like I had, those qualities make them think you're being difficult on purpose and so you catch hell for it. And so they feel justified in abusing you.

I don't think that I'll ever be as close to my Parents, as I was, before I've turned 11. Before I was 11, I was this happy famliy girl that everybody knew. I was also very Patriotic. I was thinking about Canada, all the time. I used to draw Mounties, instead of Street Police. Hockey was my favroite thing to watch, next to The Dukes of Hazzard. Canada Day was my favourite Holiday. I've enjoyed going to Assembly, because I got to sing, 'Oh Canada!' I would spend hours, trying to draw the Maple Leaf. Than, for a whole year, at the Age of 10, it was all about The USA, with me, just because the the Summer Olympics took place in Las Angeles, the year before, and I didn't want them to end. That was the year that I was given the most Hell about my Obsessions, from my Parents. They told me to look beyond The USA and stop talking about it. They've also told me that I don't sound American, in the same sentences, in which they told me to quit talking about The States. And to make things even worse, that was the year that I've started my Period.

After I've turned 11, I've descovered something better than I've ever hoped to, after such a painful year. I've started reading about Britian and London, and I've found that London was the perfect subtitute for my Ridged Parents. I've discovered a city of Black Taxis, Beefeaters, Black Taxis, Gothic Archetecture, Guardsmen and Routemasters. (Save the best for last.) I was picked on by a couple of boys in my Regular Class, as well. They picked on me, because I couldn't remember what the Teacher would tell the class, as she was writing it on the Blackboard, so I had to look at the Blackboard to copy the words. I've told them to shut-up and leave me alone. One of those boys made fun of my Accent, and it was right than and there, that I believed that I didn't sound American. I've told my Mom, that day that I didn't want to live in the USA, anymore. I didn't tell her why, though.

I've hated being 12. That was the year that I was told not to talk through my Nose. My Parents were embarrassed that they have brought a First Born into the "Wonderful country of Canada", just for her to end up speaking with a Cockney Accent. They thought that I was doing it, on purpose. I wasn't doing it on purpose, I never did do it on puropse, and I'll still be speaking with a Cockney Accent, when I'm 90, so I don't do it on purpose. It was the only thing that I was able to be proud of, for a very long time.

My Obsession with The Beatles was frowned upon, between the Ages of 13 and 15. My Dad had even threatened me to send me to my room, if I'd mention one more thing about The Beatles, after talking about them, for a whole day. I didn't talk about any of my Obsessions, until I've admitted to my Mom that I was obsessed with Routemasters for over a Decade, just two months ago, to this day. I've felt like I was going to faint, because I've felt vulnerable, after admitting that I've had an Obsession that's lasted more than twice as many years as my Austin Powers one.

Other things have happened, as well. I was forced into a College Programme that I was too advanced to be a part of. The other students had a lot of problems, and they were Back Stabbers. That was enough to bring my London Obsession back to life. I've felt a lot of anger towards the Students in my Class, to the point that I saw Red, so the thing about my London Day Dreams that caught my Eye the most, were the Routemasters. I was also forced into my Local Mental Health System and my Spirit was broken, for a couple of years, back in 1998. Two years later, I was on the road to recovery. I've walked into an Antique Mall and bought myself a (get out the Bugle)...a Routemaster! And after two years of a Black Darkness. A Darkness that was caused by the people who were working in the Mental Health System, where I live. My Mom was telling me that I was doing very well, but I didn't quite see it. I've had a friendship with an older man that didn't last very long. After that ended, I've made time for London, once again. I was buying more Buses and Black Taxis, as well!

I was wondering why it's hard for me to re-bond with my Parents. I've now found all of the clues.

Oh, well...at least I'm still in The Cockney Spirit, after 4 Months.

After years of dealing with my parents' controlling attitudes, I now pretty much have a business relationship with my parents. No different than agreeing to follow most rules and being monitored whenever I'm outside the house in exchange for food and shelter. As soon as I find a job, I'm pgoing to move out to my own apartment. Finally getting to live the way I want and answer only to myself, after being controlled for so many years, feels like the Coming of the Messiah. Although I don't know for sure what the "Messianic age" will be like, it's definitely going to be something great that's beyond all greatness. Even if the "Messiah" is an apartment that my parents won't know the exact address of.

What specific things would all of you suggest that parents of AS kids do to help support them? What do you wish your parents would have done/not done for you?

i dont kno how to love people. that includes my parents. i like to talm to them and thety re my parents i have the same view 4 them as i would my friends. id be upset if they died but i dont have feelings like that towards any person.

i do however love my cats and i miss them if i go away for a while, and i also love my drums, which ive been told is 'sad' but i dunt know what tat neams i thought sad = un happy ... i kiss both my cats and my drums and i get a funny feeling in my body when i kiss my drums.. i dunno what it is though

I'm not really sure on this one. I doubt I ever consciously loved my parents. Ever since my little brother was born, my mind shifted towards looking for love from others my age that would last.