Adventures with a telemarketer

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Thanks for that great story, Ironlady. That brightened up my day!

I tend to play games with telemarketers. I once told a person that he had reached a small squatters house way down in Botswana. I then acted as I was really annoyed and wanted to know why someone from the US is truly bothering us way down in another country.

Here's an even better one: I once told a credit card company this line: "How did you get this number?" He stated that it was on a mailing list. I replied with: "Really? No! That can't be! I want to know how you got this number!" He still stated it was on an appropriate mailing list. Then, I said: "Well, let me tell you, sir ... You have reached a number that is part of the NSA security program. Your firm's number has been recorder, and this number better be taken off that mailing list. If one of your goons ever call here again, your firm will be slapped with a federal charge! Do you understand me?" Then, the guy hung up as quick as he could, sounding as if he slammed the phone down.

- Ray M -

Caller: " Hi, I'm Sebastian from So-And-Such Marketing..."

Me: "Are you selling something?"

Caller: "Um... yeah"

Me: "How did you get my number?" (I'm on the Do-Not-Call and Do-Not-Mail registries)

Caller: "Um... phone book?"

Me: "Really? Well, for your information, Mister (or Madam), you have reached the Al Qaida Canada headquarters. Your number and location have been traced." [hangs up]

Oh... Taking me for a terrorist, now?

Well... There are stores, shops, and boutiques all over the place. It's called the retail industry. If I want to buy anything I'll be the one to visit one of those places armed with nothing more than a wallet

Hmmm.

A lot of telemarketters block their CallerID information because they want you to answer the phone to find out who it is. At home I have a box that will detect blocked calls and will automatically answer and tell them to remove the block and try their call again. It then hangs up on them. Very few ever bother to call back.

There are other boxes available on the market that will play the three tone sequence the telco uses to signal "this line is disconnected" whenever you answer the line (the tone that is usually followed by the operator recording telling you to check the number and dial again). If the caller is a computerized dialer it will usually hang up and automatically delete your number from the list. The tones are short enough to not bother real callers.

A lot of the time I can tell it's a marketting call even if the CallerID is unknown (as opposed to being blocked). When the war-dialer calls you, it uses voice-recognition to tell that it's reached a person and should connect their end to the next available telemarketter. This usually takes about 2 or 3 seconds. If I say "hello" and don't get an *immediate* answer then I simply hang up before the marketter has time to come on the line.

You can't always do that. It works when the number is hand-dialed or if the war-dialer connects you to a live operator when you answer, but sometimes you get a call that is nothing more than an out-going recorded announcement. When that happens you need to take stronger steps.


I work for a pseudo-government agency with a three-letter acronym. We have dozens of emergency telephones with unlisted numbers. One night we got hit with a war-dialer, and every single emergency phone in the room started ringing at almost the same time. On the other end was an outgoing-only announcement advertising some business networking website, with no way to connect to a real person. I did a *69 to get the phone number of the last caller and did a reverse-lookup on the internet to find out which telco was providing their service. I then called that telco and the front-line customer service guy wasn't too interested in yet another telemarketting complaint until I told him where I worked and which phones had been called. Next thing you know I'm talking to the head of technical services and he's promising to take care of the problem immediately -- no matter what it takes. I didn't have to threaten them at all.

Our non-emergency numbers don't get called, but that's for a very different reason -- our bank of public numbers is very close to that issued to the police department's special divisions, so anyone who tried to war-dial our exchange would have detectives at their front door in no time.

Why would anyone EVER answer the phone, unless they could see on call display it was someone they wanted to talk to?

That's what God made voice mail for!

My family does the same thing. Our rule of thumb is to hang up if they mispronounce our last name. Of course, this backfired when our new neighbor called last week... (A friend of mine's family answers all callers that don't show up as people they know on Caller ID with "Johnson's Morgue: you stab 'em, we slab 'em!" Since everyone that knows them knows this, they just laugh and demand to speak to whomever they're calling, wheras telemarketers tend to hang up.)

The problem with the do not call registry is that it exempts financial institutions. So banks, credit card companies, mortgage companies, debt-consolidation companies etc. are still free to call you up any time.

At my house, the preferred line is: "Joe's pizza and funeral parlour, how may we serve you?"

There is no telling how many of those telemarketers manage to somehow circumvent that edict. I too am on the Do-Not-Call registry and it hasn't done diddly squat to stop all those sales calls. That's why I'm into using that "Al Qaida" line with those jerks.