Compensation by overpoliteness?

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Sometimes formality doesn't mean politeness. I can be very formal in many cases, but people percieve that as condescending and rude. It's not my intention by any means, just that I feel more comfortable with formality in situations where people may not understand local lingo or even sayings peculiar to my family.

I get told how polite and 'Edwardian' i am, I call folk by their surnames because I worry that calling them by there first name would appear aggressive.

this is actualy more to do with the fact I was raised (in part) by my Grandad, who was born in 1916.

I get called polite and conservative and didn't get a job because they thought I was too nice.

really? what type of job was it?

All the time, actually. My wife has helped me to back down a bit in recent years.

I wouldn't call what I do overpoliteness. Social graces as a subsitute for social skills... yes, since childhood. I don't constantly apologise, but I learned very early on that remembering to say "please" and "thank you" in the right places would get people to like me enough to leave me in peace. The over-formality of my conversation is due to the fact that most of it is scripted- it sounds stilted and unspontaneous because it is. It's only a social survival strategy insofar as it gives me something to say to people when they wish to talk to me.

I'm saying sorry all the time too, or apologizing even if I just feel the faintest hint that I've hurt someone. This is maybe, because here and then I actually really hurt someone by saying out loud, what is in my mind/heart. But I'm polite too, like always opening door to ladies, just last week, I told one workmate (who's a girl), to please do not jump out that fast out of the car, because I _have to_ open the door to her. So next time she remembered this and waited till I went around the car and opened the door for her. She said she never experienced something like this. While I was younger and went everywhere by bus, I was always the last to get on the bus.

Yeah, I do that. It annoys everyone, I don't know why! I'm not nice enough one day, then I'm too nice the next. There's just no pleasing anyone.

exactly!!

yes. and it is about 50% success rate. sometimes, i get reactions that indicate they think i am odd or childish. strange looks, straight up laughing in my face at times.

other times i notice no positive effect. i realize that i'm failing to participate correctly in the conversation game (example is with cashier or waitress/barista) and that the other person is aware of it but keeps trying. i realize i over-emphatically express understanding of what the other person has said to me. tonally it's too enthusiastic and sometimes too loud. "Ohhhhh I see!" type remarks.

so i've lost the dedication i used to employ in the super-polite mode of interacting and i just try to avoid remarking or say short one or two word replies whenever possible.

This is absolutely true for me. Offending someone unintentionally is something I have been very worried about. As a result I am very formal and polite. It must come off strangely, because I still demonstrate a bit of the bluntness that I can't entirely hide.

Think of it like this. You have AS, or something similar. I have AS. We have trouble reading social cues and we NEED people to be somewhat, if not completely direct with us.

NT's are far more socially adept. They can read non-verbal cues quite well. However there is a limit to this and you must recognize that NT's also need people to be fairly honest and direct on occasion.

You need to be direct with NT's on issues you feel strongly on. You need to verbally let them know when something really bothers you, or is really a big inconvenience. It's not fair for you not to let them know these things. It's not fair of you not to, especially because a lot of people will actually be very willing to honor your boundaries when they know where they are. It is not right to get upset with people for crossing those boundaries when you never made them visible to others, or implied or explicitly stated they don't exist.

Here is the interesting thing. You may think standing up for yourself more means people will like you less and be more confrontational with you, but this isn't the case. Primates will try to subjugate those who have already proven themselves weak or passive, and humans are no different.

When you say yes all the time, people become more upset with you when you do say no.

Look at all the people who say "I do everything for my parents, my sister/brother hardly do anything, and my parents treat them better."

So when you don't stand up for yourself when you really should, you put yourself exactly in the place you tried to avoid in life.

Here is the interesting thing. You may think standing up for yourself more means people will like you less and be more confrontational with you, but this isn't the case. Primates will try to subjugate those who have already proven themselves weak or passive, and humans are no different.


I think you are likely correct. I don't know why I never learned that. Self esteem issues are hard to overcome.