14 year-old aspie son always yells "shut up"?

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Let him keep it, but don't let him drown in it.

As for being afraid of him...That is a tough one. Maybe it would help to talk to that therapist again?

If he's anything like me, then he knows how he's reacting is excessive and wrong. In my case it was frustration and dissatisfaction with my life, and depression in general. I never put a hole in a wall, but I certainly felt like doing so.

I'd say it's probably a mixture of depression and game addiction. In some ways they're codependant conditions, but the depression is far more important, and WoW may be the only thing keeping your son going right now. Get the depression looked at.

I agree that you shouldn't let him talk to you like that - even if it is an interest of his, there is no excuse for that kind of language and disrespect.
However, when I was going through that age - that's when the bullying was the worst and I was very depressed as a result and did punch quite a few holes in the wall out of frustration - you might want to find him a good therapist or help him deal with those feelings - when you're feeling trapped or bullied, it is very tempting to hide in things like games but it doesn't solve the underlying problems.

Sounds like you've gotten a lot of good advice.
I'm an AS mom with four boys, three on the spectrum; the oldest three are out on their own now.
I have been told to shut up, without the swearing and I've had to tell them that that is not acceptable behavior.
I do believe that some of the interpretation of yelling when you are just talking can be related to AS, in particular my 15 year old son on on the spectrum seems to be sensitive to my tone of voice and interprets a different tone as yelling or if I repeat something more than once. He does use earphones when he is on the computer and when doing homework to help him concentrate better and drown out other noises.
With the older boys, the oldest in particular had a weight problem at the age of 14 and I can relate to the issues you are now dealing with. When he entered high school he discovered weight lifting and it did make an incredible difference to his self esteem, I do recommend introducing or having someone that he could see as a mentor introducing him to an activity like this that doesn't involve being on a team.
As far as respect and you being bullied - he could be testing you to see if you'll stand up to him, even though he is 200 lbs he may feel very vulnerable and very much like a lost little boy inside and be looking for some kind of boundaries, he may scare even himself. I know my boys knew that I wasn't able to physically match them after they turned about 13 but they knew they better not cross that line and I did stand up to them when I needed to.
Hope this might also be helpful for you.
I wish you all the best.

it sounds like youve got yourself into a really tough position =/ you have a child that has developed a horrible disrespect towards other people and has grown to a size that you are no longer physically able to control him. if you continue as you are, it will just get worse, both in the disrespect and the inability to control him.

one thing i really want you to think about is not just what you are teaching your son about relationships by letting him treat you and his sister this way, but what you are teaching your DAUGHTER. by your inaction, you are teaching her that its ok for males to treat females in this manner, telling them to shut up, being disrespectful, and calling them b****.

i felt a little shameful reading this thread as i have wp up on my second monitor while i play WoW on my first monitor but my kids are in bed, i spent a full day at work, and i earned a little play time. thats something your son needs to learn about, earning the right to enjoy privileges. and you do NOT earn them by treating family that way. you earn them by good behavior and doing what you are suppose to do, whether thats work or chores. who pays the monthly subscription for WoW? who pays for the electricity to power the computer, who paid for the computer? i bet the answer to all of these is YOU, not your son.

its time to start setting some limits for your son, both in activities and behavior. i would not do it in a confrontational manner, no abruptly pulling the plug or forcing him off the game while he is playing. but sit down with him when he is in a relaxed mood (if he ever is at this point) before he has gotten involved in his game and have a frank discussion about his behavior. have a plan going into the talk, write your points down on notecards if you need to. remain calm and FIRM. YOU are the parent and despite his size and autistic status, YOU do still have control if you choose to take it. do not show fear as if he is really feeding off that, it will make him even bolder. perhaps have a support person there for yourself, someone who can help control the situation if need be, and be prepared to call the police if it gets to the point of violence.

as for the depression, do get him help for that regardless of what is going on with his behavior. while depression can lead to irritability, it is not an excuse to treat people like crap. especially family members you are suppose to love.

one thing i do want to share, and i am not sure by your description if what you are seeing is similar or not. my SO is autistic and will get very involved in playing video games. if you ask him a question or call his name, he will not respond. you can do it multiple times and he still doesnt respond. it often escalates until i have to raise my voice and naturally my tone gets harder before he responds and he will yell at me in a very rude manner "WHAT!?!". quite often, he has heard me all along, and IN HIS MIND, he has answered me, but he hasnt verbally answered me until he gets very frustrated with what he perceives as my harrassment, and he snaps at me. it sounds strange, but at these times he will insist he has already answered me, when not a single sound came from his lips. i try to be tolerant of his rudeness when this happens as i know its out of true frustration and not just intentional rudeness.

i agree for most part....but gaming is not an addiction for most people imo i play all free time i have at day but i still go to school , go to friends,do home works...and i also live alone...its my obession and if you claim that you move to healtier stuff if you stop playing..believe me staff has been trying that when i was kid ...it didint work out very well and i started reading obsessively my advice when im 20 and looking back? well i have never touched monthly paying games in my life and never will....anyway if its literally making him not wanting to go with his friends /not going into school thats bad...also cussing at you is something i could never do or have done

This is really good advice. Very astute. I wish I knew what that purpose is. He is good at a lot of things--an extremely good drummer, would be an excellent baseball player if hitting the ball was all he had to do. He abandoned all interest in schoolwork and the Harry Potter obsession that he had pre-puberty. Thank you Willard. This helps.

Sadly, my son was bullied repeatedly at middle school, because of his weight and because he has poor social skills. This isn't politically correct, at least not where we live, but he seems to have picked up the tough conversational style of the many "gangsta" students at his school. Almost word for word. And these were the same people who bullied him!! !! These kids do not have a high opinion of women or of school. Duh.

Have you considered taking him out of that school? That kind of environment is horrible for someone with AS. Does he actually hang out with those kinds of kids? I think you absolutely need to know what's going on.

To add to what's already been mentioned, being overweight can incredibly add the irritability (as well as depression) it sounds like he has.

I know that when I was slightly overweight (and bullied) in middle school I could give verbal obscenities left and right, and would've qualified for anger management or counseling. But of course, my parents didn't really believe in psychology (until the most recent depressive episode, they thought that tr00 christians can't get depression and that if they do then they're demon-possessed. or, they're just lazy, because depression doesn't exist. just to give an idea), so I didn't really get that help. However, I soon joined the football team (I would definitely not recommend the football team to an Aspie, though I would definitely recommend some form of athletics, wouldn't even have to be part of any team, just consistent exercise) and soon after my anger problems mostly faded.

It also helped with depression, but in the long run, all it does is supress it... that's another issue altogether, but I guess I could advice paying attention for it. Either way, it does wonders for anger issues, and such irritability, at least was for me.

He must like the computer, can you have him do online school instead?

Seriously? That is unacceptable. I don't even want to imagine what would happen if I told my mom to shut the f#@# up. Cancel his WoW account and kick his ignorant @$$! He needs to learn some respect.

Here's the perspective of someone who plays Wow, hates being talked at, but is older than your son.

Playing wow is a SOCIAL activity. Though it may not seem like it to you, your son is interacting with other people socially the whole time that he is on the game.

The problem is that it's a broad spectrum of other people. Many of them are very immature and very very rude (and that's often considered to be 'funny' in-game). Many are very nice, polite, thoughtful. However, it's not a place that I'd care to be learning my social skills. If he typed in general chat in game that he'd just told his mom to 'shut up', this is almost certainly the sort of reaction that would follow:

Son: I just told my Mom to shut the f*** up!
Person A: I'd f*** your Mom

In short, approval for the behaviour.

However, in your son's defence, it is incredibly annonying to be talked at when you're trying to have a conversation with someone online or be engaged in a group activity with them. It feels like someone just rudely interrupting you (even if they can't see the conversation online). Further, it actually physically hurts a lot of the time. People tend to talk loudly over the game sounds and it literally feels as if I'm being hit around the head sometimes.

I feel like telling the person talking to shut up too. However, the difference is that I'm old enough to know that I can't.

My suggestions would be:
--limit his game time to certain set periods BUT agree that you will not interrupt him DURING THAT TIME unless it's urgent.
--if you want to interact with him while he's online, consider playing the game yourself. i know a lot of parents who play with their kids, dads especially.
--do not allow him to be rude to you (but you must accept that sometimes your behaviour seems rude to him, and may even hurt him when you don't realise). make sure he understands that what is socially acceptable online, ISN'T socially acceptable in real life.

At 200 lbs, you desperately need to get him on a diet and exercise program. Sitting on the couch all summer playing video games is not helping. A 14 year old boy should weigh no more than about 120 lbs. To ensure his cooperation, I would limit his gaming time. I would give him an hour for Wow for every hour he spends physically exercising (running, swimming, etc.) and no more.

Lastly, I strongly suggest you get his father involved if possible.

Uh my brothers weighed more than 120 lbs at age 14 because they had men bodies and they had muscle and they weren't little boys. They weren't even fat.

Yea, some kids have growth spurts before 14 and can be almost 6 feet tall already. If you're 5'10" 120 lbs will be on the skinny side.