How do you handle it when people just don't believe you?

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I'm not AS, but my son is so I get this indirectly all the time and it irritates the crap out of me, but I have learned to ignore it. I hate hearing "all kids do that", which is the same thing. I think partially it's that a lot of people think of autistic people as rainman, and I hate that movie because of that. Moreso however, I think people see things from their own perspective based on what they know about themselves. For example, someone who doesn't know anything about ADHD calls that person lazy for not finishing something, when that isn't the reason at all. If an NT were to do the same thing, they would be lazy, not finishing by choice. NT's have no reference or understanding of what it is like for that person with ADHD because their brain doesn't work in the same way and they don't know any different. There only conclusion they come to is that you are using that as an excuse, i.e. "lying".

This is why awareness is so important. People have no idea what you guys overcome and how strong you can be. I guarantee any NT who was put in your shoes for a day would never deal with whatever your challenge is as well as you guys. I frequently use this example to describe sensory issues. Imagine you are sitting in class and someone beside you is scratching their fingernails on the chalkboard. Imagine this NEVER stops. You have to ignore this and function like everyone else. How long could you function before flipping out? Probably less than 5 minutes. You guys do that as a matter of course and are expected to behave "appropriately", all the time.

The more I understand autism the more credit I give all of you. People are so focused on deficits they have no idea the amount of strength you have. You all have my ultimate respect for what you deal with everyday.

Thank you for getting it!

The rain man makes me f*****g angry. It made everything so much harder for us when we're trying to explain that we're not ret*ds, or that we're not normal people trying to get out of work by saying we're ret*d.

Tend to make a mental note of it, then ignore it.

---

The following illustrates how some persons (often politicians) tend to handle the truth when the truth does match the answer they want to hear.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shooting_the_messenger

You're so cute You're very welcome, but I do want to say that I have done a ton of research and I have been reading this forum for a couple of years now (which has been my biggest source of insight) but I only get it to a point. Intellectually I can understand, but I still have no idea what it is like and I sometimes forget myself. There are times when I ask my son, for example, what he wants for dinner 6 times in one evening and never get an answer. I get frustrated at him, and then I read something on here about people having a hard time answering simple questions sometimes for this reason or that. I forget that he has days where he's on, and days where he's off, and I have to be sensitive to that because I don't want him to be "in trouble" for something he really can't help, yet I just don't understand how you cannot answer what I feel is a simple and direct question. Just because I don't get it at the time doesn't mean that he's ignoring me, and I have to consciously remind myself of that. Then I get a bright idea and make a picture chart, even though he can technically answer me with words fine, and that worked miracles. He puts up the picture of what he wants for dinner every day. When I ask, he runs to his board. I find it hard to really wrap my head around this, but what I do know that he's not avoiding my question or ignoring me, he really can't answer at that time for whatever reason.

It is very hard to understand the autistic mind when you are NT, and I know it's just as hard for an autistic mind to understand ours. We just have to keep working at it. We both have strengths and weaknesses, and I hope that someday everyone learns to appreciate and nurture the differences in each other rather than judging what we don't understand.

I honestly think it makes them upset that you cant help the behavior that bothers them so much. Maybe it makes them feel better to be able to say nasty things or blame you. It's a very negative attitude. I face it with the ADHD. Many don't believe it is real and don't want to accept that there may be a reason why someone cannot do the things they see as simple common everyday things. No, it has to be a personal failing. Otherwise, they are wrong for the nasty things they say or think. It is similar to why people need to draw attention to another person's faults- to make themselves feel better about their own faults.

I cant say I really handle it, either. If someone were that negative towards me in the first place I wouldn't be bothered to explain myself to them.

I do this and I’m 48 years old and have an IQ of 138. It’s not the apparent simplicity of the question that is relevant. It’s the inherent subjectivity of the response that is being elicited.

I’ll try to explain:

“What do you want for dinner?” seems like a simple straightforward enough question, right?

But, let’s look at how differently someone might cognitively process it. Most people will think of a few possible dishes that they could make with the food they have in the house, and then make a decision based on either process of elimination (ie. “I don’t want chicken, I don’t want pasta, I don’t want beef....I guess I’ll have a cheese sandwich and soup”). Bingo, bango. It’s decided. OR a craving they have (ie. “Ohhhh I’ve been craving pizza all day and I know I have a frozen one still in the freezer.”). Pizza it is! Simple. No muss. No fuss.

Now, you ask someone on the Autistic Spectrum, and the process can and often will be much more complicated.

!.) Dinner? What food is in the house? Suddenly all manner of food is pictured and the person might get overwhelmed or might not even remember what’s in the house because they have been interrupted or distracted from another thought process not including anything to do with eating and food.


So I have to make a shift to thinking about food. Making a cognitive shift can be really difficult for those with AS, especially when they get interrupted. This includes even such basic sustainance items like food. One thing I do will be to just block it out until I’m out of my zone. Also, I sometimes don't know what I feel like eating in advance and then having to have a decision forced on me stresses me out. I am very much "in the moment".

If you’re a parent or a SO of someone that is like this, I would recommend not repeatedly asking. It won’t do you any good and will almost assuredly irritate your loved one with AS. They can’t answer you at that moment. But, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t eat or not take part in normal meal times. I would suggest gently giving the person 2 alternatives that you know they like. Nothing more. (ie. “Sweety, I’m making dinner for an hour from now. Would you like spaghetti or hamburgers?”).

I know this works for me

Hello fellow Brisbanian, Brundisium!

Oh the ignorance of people.......forgive the masses for they do not understand, and you don't need them to.

You know where you are at and that is all that really matters at the end of the day. When I was first dx at the ripe old age of 36, people looked upon me with sneaking suspicion that I may be right, but mostly I have been met with incredulity.

The stock response "But EVERYONE hates loud noises, bright lights, bad cognitive days, three-legged badger syndrome, executive disfunction, sadness, frustration, irritation and people who laugh like hyenas. What makes you any different?"

And I would try to explain with my anxiety going through the roof. I can barely explain my process as it is. I am only new to understanding what the heck is going on, so trying to explain it to others is nigh impossible.

Now when people show incredulity, I say "Speak to my shrinks. They can explain it to you."

Ah, it is hard not to be cynical

Take care,

Mics

Crocus, That makes perfect sense.

I think that's exactly my issue, that what I think is literal and direct is really not so simple. The dinner thing was frustrating because he only basicly eats 5 things so to me that's simple and we always have what he eats in the house. What you said makes absolute sense as to why the board worked. My thinking was that I believe he thinks in pictures so I figure that visuals help him, but I didn't really get why, I just thought it would and it did.

This is a very useful piece of information. It explains a lot. Thank You very much!

PS> sorry guys, this is kind of off subject...I'll stop

You’re welcome Glad I could help in any way.

I think your son is extremely fortunate to have such a caring mother that is willing to work with his difference and be understanding with it. It almost makes me cry to think how wonderful that would be. For those of us on the spectrum that never had that degree of caring or understanding, it warms the heart. I can’t tell you how painfully alienating it is to not be understood.

It seems your system is working and that’s great. I hoped to only add some insight into the “why” of the behaviour I also think in pictures and I think, when dealing with a child remembering that is a great thing. It might not always be practical in some adult situations, which is too bad. Auditory processing is a real problem area for me.

My apologies as well for getting diverting from the OP topic

I don't like when people assume that you can do things like focus or coordination stuff as easy as them. Just because you can speak and interact they act like you should be treated just like them. I have coordination problems and a hard time focusing. So I like people to just accept my diagnosis as a good excuse instead of trying to treat me just like any common person. I'm not, I never will be, so just get over it.

It depends on whether they are capable of opening their minds or not. If they are I will explain a little more and then give them the chance to digest it. If they're not I don't invest any more time. It's not worth it because they already know everything so I have nothing to enlighten them with.

Exactly the reaction I got from my mom when I was learning about this at the ripe old age of 35. She has glossed over the weird stuff I did as a kid and says "oh, but lots of kids read the encyclopedia cover to cover for fun" and "lots of kids prefer books to people". I want to print up a little page that says: This is AS and hand it off.

I lost a friend recently because I was trying to find a comfortable way of relating to people that doesn't overly stress me out. He said I was "just making excuses" and that I "didn't want to get better". Tried to say that I was trying to understand myself and that no, I can't get better on your schedule. My stress level had been really high and I had withdrawn completely from all social interactions. He was the first friend I had made after I decided that too lonely also caused loads of stress and I wanted to find a balance. Reconnected with him (from high school--thank you Facebook) because he seemed understanding and tolerant. (He has ADHD and OCD and so, not an NT but not really able to sympathize I guess.) So now I'm not sure how to deal with this--don't want to tell people because I don't like having to listen to the "rain man" stereotypical BS...but don't like being isolated either and so, yeah...