BERNARD TISMAN'S STORIES

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THE HOLIDAY CAMP CHALETS



This is a story about the chalets at Groveland Bay Holiday camp. It caters for 2000 people and is run by Butterlins, founded by Sir Billy Butterlin. It has a large dining room and Greycoats.
One of the competitions is the Knobbly Big Head competitions and Glamorous headmasters contest, plus the filthy trouser race that takes place once a week, run by Steve Dustcart, one of the Greycoats.
The holiday camp is situated in delightful surroundings around Groveland Bay which is near Minelegs, A seaside town with its pleasure piers and “What the Butler ate”, a hand – operated film showing a butler in pyjamas cooking a loaf of greenbread.
Now it’s back to the camp.
The holiday camp has chalets that contain triple bunk beds and a bathroom which has a toilet inside the bath so that if a person is caught short he can go to toilet whilst having a bath, saving him from having to get out of the bath to go to the toilet.

The first Butterlin Camp was at Eggness in Lincolnshire .
That was 1936.
The first chalets were very basic, without any roof at all. This meant that holiday campers had to put a blanket on top of their chalet in order to keep out the cold, and when it was raining a rooftop mackintosh
In those days the camp toilets were very primitive being just a pile of wood with a latrine underneath, and it was cold, indeed freezing. Because there weren’t any flushing facilities they did arf pong. To shut out the pong the toilets were covered in flowers.
Quite often these smelly ‘pile of wood toilets’ were the butt of jokes like the one about Pongville Holiday village said by various comedians.

THE GRAVE IMPACT THE CHANGE OF PROVIDER HAD ON A DAY CENTRE




One day after ten years it was decided to have a different provider to run Kelloggs Day Centre in Ilford. As a result of this the centre became more and more basic.
Stripped of its contents four grey walls replaced the beautiful decor of the centre and the computers disappeared off the face of the Earth, leaving users with nothing to do other than talk.
They had to bring their own packed lunches for meals could no longer be provided.
Not only that, they had to sit on the floor to eat their meals for the tables and chairs had been taken away due to the changeover from one provider to another.
The centre was now very stark, completely empty.
As for the toilets, you had to dig a hole in the ground in the garden, for the change of provider resulted in the toilets being taken away.
As you know it people have to use the garden, but, 'because digging a hole to create a toilet in the garden would create a terrible smell once the toilet is used means that people going into the garden had to wear gas masks.
However, you had to dig a hole to create a toilet in the garden because the change of provider resulted in the centre's toilets being taken away.
The hole in the ground toilet, a latrine, was done hidden behind a shed so no one could see.
These primitive toilet facilities, digging a hole in the ground, would have to be maintained until new toilets were installed in this day centre.
It was no fun having to dig a hole in the garden to create a toilet all because the centre had been stripped of its toilets due to the changeover from one provider to another.
As for washing facilities you had to use earth to wash your hands with because, again, due to the changeover from one provider to another, there were no washing facilities.
Because people were left with smelly hands due to the lack of washing facilities they had to eat their packed lunches before digging a toilet in the garden.
To remedy this one of the staff suggested that each day centre member buy hand washes that don't use water in the chemist and portable toilets which they could install in their trousers. That way they would save having to dig a hole in the garden to use as a toilet.
it would take at least 20 years before the centre could get back to normal.

MAN GOING BERSERK IN FLAT






One of the residents in Goodboys Lodge decided to vacuum clean his flat. The cleanup was successfully done, but the machine needed emptying because it was very full. The machine was opened up and, ‘what a mess he created, all fluff over his trousers, shirt, carpet and floor. The rubbish, at least some of it was picked up and binned, but, ‘as the man tried to re – assemble the vacuum cleaner he ran into difficulties and went off like a madman, screaming, shouting and raving. The hullabaloo brought one of the support staff running up to see what it was all about. A ring was heard on the door and the scheme manager appeared.

“Hey you, stop that at once, you’re disturbing all the other residents. Any more of that and I’ll chuck you out of this flat and get the police to commit you to Bad Dog Hospital where they’ll detain you for the rest of your life”.

The vacuum cleaner was re- assembled and the support worker said’ “I’ll let you off this time but next time I’ll expel you from Goodboys Lodge and get you committed to the mind hospital in Rotten Egg Lane.

Goodboys Lodge is a support home that deals with mental health and older people. It has 24 flats, two with hole in the ground baths to prevent people from falling out of the bath as well as a shower above the toilet so people can have a bath whilst sitting on the toilet.

The communal lounge downstairs has a toilet to sit on whilst people are watching television so if they’re caught short this will save them having to get up from their seats.

The television has a built in drinks unit so residents can draw orange juice and other drinks straight out of the television set.

Every Friday there is a fish and chip meal served in a chamber pot and eaten on star shaped plates.

Now it’s back to the man who went off his rocker.

Bernard Inkman was prone to temper outbursts because of his autistic state. This could lead to complaints from staff and residents alike and result in the man being evicted from his support house for good. Not only that, he could end up in an institution where other people could ram pokers into his chest and pour milk down his ears.

THE ADMISSION TO TURNER VILLAGE







On March 2nd 1968 Bernard Cheeseman was admitted to Turner Village disability hospital because his mother had to have an operation.
The social worker, Mr. Sums, came to his house and picked him up in his car then sped off, out of the street, into the main road and onto the A12.

At Colchester the car left the A12 and went through the back doubles, then,’ onto Turner Village hospital, then got out of the car, to Mr. Strain’s office to be signed in and along to Villa H8, the hospital block, so called because of its hospital – like appearance.
As soon as the new arrival walked through the door the staff started to prepare him for his hospital stay.
The new patient was given a bath by male nurses, dried, examined and put to bed for he had to be observed as all new patients are.
The idea of being put to bed was so doctors could monitor him, then when all was well he could go down to the day room.

The new patient dreaded the hospital – like appearance of the ward.
This block was full of developmentally disabled patients, some very profound, with IQs ranging from 0 to 79, and autistic patients, even though their IQs were normal, but they did in some cases have the traits of a learning disabled person.
One patient, Albert Gardener, had toilet habits that weren’t all that clean. For instance he never used toilet paper whenever he went to toilet because his mind was that of a toddler. Because of this his clothes were often soiled, because he didn’t have the ability to keep himself clean because of his very low IQ.
Some inmates were so severely disabled in learning that they always soiled themselves. Because of the terrible pong nurses had to spray the air with Antiseptic air freshener all the time.
These patients were always incontinent.
One of the inmates, a big stout chap, was given the task of collecting the soiled sheets every day, where they would be taken along to the laundry to be washed.
People going to the toilet often had to pass piles of soiled bed sheets which must have been quite overpowering at times.

One sight you were often met with, were the very low height toilets. This was so nurses could enter the loo if anyone had a fit.

Come lunchtime the new patient was given his meal but didn’t have much of an appetite.
The next day the nurse came along with an injection but the patient shied away because he was so scared but the nurse grabbed him and stuck the needle in.
The patient screamed.

Two days later the patient was ready to go down to the day room.
The male nurse on duty was Mr. Pressard, who was a real bully who often hit patients across the floor. he also clouted patients, one such case being a man who refused to have a bath.

There was a man, one of the inmates, who often urinated on the floor because he didn’t know better, but the nurse gave him a good hiding, the sort of thing that would have happened in 1968.

The new patient, Bernard Cheeseman, went up to the ward but was caught by Mr. Pressard who said, ‘he better not be scatty with me.

Bedtime was very early, about 7.00 pm.

On day three the new patient went into a leisure room run by Mrs Housey, a nurse who ran the class.
The leisure room was at the end of the day room.

At the end of the corridor was the dentist’s surgery, feared my most inmates at this institution.

After two weeks when it was thought that the man was ready to go home it was announced that the man’s mother would have to be in hospital longer than expected so he had to stay longer at Turner village – up to ten weeks.

After three weeks the man was transferred to another block, Villa C3, which was far less oppressive than the hospital villa because it was less hospital – like than the former, but there was one drawback.
Quite a lot of the inmates in this block were bullies; one boy particularly, Jimmy Learmont, who happened to be on the same table as Bernard Cheeseman.
Another yob was John Streeter. He often punched Bernard Cheeseman for very little reason, for John Streeter was a dope basher.
Brian Baker was the other dope basher.

Bernard Cheeseman was often given a hard time by these bullies.

At this block was another inmate, Michael Boots. He often told other people to f--- off for no absolute reason.
Fred Offord was another nasty type, also a dope basher.

There were toilets in this block, consisting of cubicles without any doors. this was to catch any person in time if he had a fit.

At Turner Village there was a very disturbed patient called Stuart Pitman, who often banged doors. For this he often got punished by the nurse, who told him:
''If you ever do this again I have no other choice than to give you an injection''.

One day Bernard Cheeseman had a mental spasm.
He started to pull at the door and the nurse warned him that he would have to have the needle if he don't stop doing it.
It all started when he went berserk and punched an armchair, shouting:
''Take that Chair", and on of the inmates came along and forced him to sit down, then shouted:
'' want me to force Bromide down your throat, I will if you don't stop going off your rocker".

One morning the radio was on but at Breakfast time the nurse switched it off, much Bernard Cheeseman's annoyance.

Then there was the record session run by one of the inmates, and when Bernard Cheeseman complained about the noise the other man threw him out of the room.

After ten weeks the man was ready to return home.

One night a couple of boys raving and shouting away in the street deliberately knocked over a royal mail trolley, pushing it over onto the pavement.
It was right opposite the support home where I live, and saw the incident, which happened at 11.23 pm in the evening.

Luckilly I was in my own home for if I would have been outside in the street those boys would have beaten me up.

One day a man went to the dentist to have a filling, but,' just as the dentist was about to give the injection the man's head fell off, making it ever more difficult for the dentist to carry out his job.

To solve the problem the dentist decided to give the filling inside the mouth of the fallen off head whilst it was detached from the patient's body.
This proved an advantage for the man could feel no pain in his mouth as he had no head.

When the job was done the dentist re - attached the man's head, but,' just as he was about to the head flew up the dentist's chest and bit him on the head. he tried to pull the head off but it just kept on biting and pulling at him so he got out a cigarette lighter and that got the head off because a human head, even if if it has fallen off the man's body could still not tolerate pain and fire.

The head immediately died so the man just had to grow a new head.

THE THICK THICK THICK SNOW





One day it snowed so thick and heavy that it submerged the whole of London.
Londoners woke up to find that they couldn't see the street outside because the snow was one mile deep (one mile high). So, the only answer was to collect people by special submarines that go beneath snow in order to take them to work and day centre, but,
' how could they find their destinations because the snow blocked their awareness?
The answer:
use a flame gun to fire flames through the snow.
This they did and safely got people to their day centres.
The flame guns fired from submarines sailing under the snow turned the blanket of snow that submerged London into one giant igloo covering the whole of London.
The weather forecast said that the winter that caused snow to fall so deep that it buried London would last for two whole years, meaning that during this period there would be no summers, springs and autumns, only winter.

ALL ABOUT SNODLAND PARK




This park in Grovel Road boasts
a swimming pitch, a tar pit and a snooker pool, plus a restaurant down a big
hole in the ground stink bomb trees and the lot.
There’s an unborn
baby’s nursery at the far end with qualified nurses to look after babies who
have ten years to go before they’re born.
The children’s
playground near the entrance has a super fast roundabout, plus upside down
swings, a tar pit, upward slides and a woodwork saw for the children to ride
on. There’s also a sand pool for the kids to play in and a rocking horse that
goes down slides.

FISH AND CHIP NEWS



One day a man was told by the staff at his home that he was going to have fish and chips, but was told there weren't any plates so he had to have them served on his lap, and what a mess it made, all over his trousers, with some dropping right on the floor.
Miss Stake, the carer in charge said,' I'm sorry that I have to put you through this because there aren't any plates, we can't afford them because of the recession, so you'll have to endure having to eat in a primitive way.
Soon after dinner the man who had to eat his meal on his lap and to take his trousers off and wash them in the sink with fairy liquid as if it was a plate then dried them in a trouser oven taking only five seconds.
The “meal – on – the trousers” saga ‘wasn’t the only ordeal he had to go through, for he had to pay £120 for his fish and chip meal.
Normally you would have a cup of tea after a meal but instead of tea ‘frying oil was poured into the cup and the diner had to drink it when he should have had tea.
The manager in charge, Mrs. Nina Tendo said, 'I will sort this matter out, fancy having to have fish and chips served in this way, where each resident has to have them emptied straight onto their trousers instead of a plate, it's absolutely primitive all because there aren't any dinner plates available.
Using one's trousers as a dinner plate is very unpleasant ‘but there ‘wasn't any alternative, 'and, '£120 for a meal, it's absolutely monstrous, how can you very well afford it, it's no wonder that so many residents were reduced to great poverty.

THE DAY CENTRE THAT STARTED AT 6am IN THE MORNING





Birds Eye Day centre was a day centre that opened at 6 am every day, this meant that people would have to get up at 3.30 every morning, and if they got up the normal time they would have to be ready in just under five minutes for the Dial - a- Ride would call even when they had just got out of bed, and they would have to rush like mad.


Birds Eye Day centre started off with breakfast at 6.40 am and would last for only two minutes, this meant that people had to rush their food. If they didn't one of the staff would snatch his plate off the table and rub it in his head with all the food splattering his face. It was Mr. Tongueface the manager of the centre who was behind this. He was a strict ruler with iron discipline who would stand no nonsense, and another thing, 'you weren't allowed to use the toilet during dinner for it would be showing no respect for the centre staff. If you were bursting to use the loo I'm afraid you would have to wait until lunch break was over. you just had to put up with it. it's no wonder that inevitable accidents did sometimes happen creating such a horrible smell that those eating their dinner had to wear gas masks. people who messed themselves were told by the ruler to clean themselves up using a rough cleaner such as a pot scourer.

THE YELLOW TOILET


One day a man using his toilet in the flat was told by one of the carers that he must use a yellow bag to relieve himself into as it was a more hygienic toilet than the humble toilet
bowl. This was to prevent the toilet from being contaminated with dangerous bugs, which would result in disease being spread throughout the entire block of flats,
Gumtree Lodge,

23 Marvellous Lane ,
Ilford.

The yellow bag was a clinical
waste disposal bag, not only for medical leftovers, but also for use as a
toilet.



The resident was also told that
he must carry a supply of yellow bag toilets (a yellow bag used as a toilet)
everywhere he goes so he wouldn't spread germs all over the place, and that
includes the day centre where he goes to, ‘and another thing,



'if no toilet is a available
then he could use his clinical waste disposal bag as a toilet.

Once he has gone to toilet in a
yellow bag then he takes it to the gents toilet down the road, empties it then
puts it into a yellow bin inside the gents toilet, a bin with a flush system,
for when you put your yellow clinical waste disposal bag into the bin you pull
the chain on this bin and it gets flushed down out of harm's way, into
disinfectant bath down below the ground and neutralised, all the germs being
killed, before it gets put into an underground incinerator and burnt.

THE OVERCROWDED BUS



Once upon a time a man set off home from his day centre, and on boarding a bus found what he wasn't expecting - morbid overcrowding.
In fact it was so overcrowded that people ended up mounted on top of one another.
This led to fights, and in one fight a man was thrown along the gangway and ended up on top of a man's head.

200 people crowded onto the bus only meant for 78.

Because of the malignant overcrowding people often went past the bus stop they were supposed to get off at.
Only the topmost people were able to get off the bus, that is those at the top of the pile, but had to escape through the windows because it was virtually impossible to reach the door, due to people lying on top of each other.

Loads of people were buried under each other making it difficult to breathe.

Not able to stand it any longer some people collapsed the floor and left the bus through the floor, crawling underneath until they came out at the other end of the bus - the first case of it's kind of an underfloor exit on the bus.

It was the councillor Jimmy Gasbag who made sure as many people as possible should get on the bus.

THE FOOD RATIONING SHOPPING LIST SAGA


One day Fred Applejuice, a resident at Goodmeal House support home was told by his cousin Billy Hook that he must cut down on the amount of food that he's allowed to buy everytime he goes shopping because if food is left too long it will go bad.
Not only that, food is being wasted and the less food the better.

The news was relayed to the carer Rose Garden and when she did take the man shopping at Tesco he was told what to choose and what not to choose, and one rule was that he was to be restricted to only one apple per week and half an orange per week and the smallest lettuce you could find, only two inches wide.


The other draconian rule was that milk should only be restricted to half a pint per week.
Another thing, when it came to cabbage you were only allowed a piece no bigger than a coin.
As for the bread, because of the enforced food rationing dished out by the resident's cousin, the resident was to be only allowed one slice per week, and only one pack of meat.
These draconian rules on food led to the man having to go without any breakfast.
The resident of Goodmeal House, Fred applejuice often starved day after day because of the severe food rationing imposed upon him.

"I'm hungry, I'm hungry, fill me up, fill me up"shouted the resident.

"Oh, shut up boy shouted the carer Rose Garden, otherwise I'll put you into a care home.You're one hell of a trouble, and you're disturbing the residents.You'll only buy what you're told to buy my boy.

You do as you're told."



The hunger caused by enforced food rationing because the man was wasting too much food, led to riots in the flat, with the man banging doors and shouting and swearing.



So craved with hunger was the man that he left his flat and banged the door in a temper, then ran out into the car park shouting and screaming then banging dustbin lids.

One of the carers, Veranda Scott, saw it all rushed out and shouted:

"You, I've had enough of you, for this I'm sending you to be sectioned at Badmayes Hospital".



The police came and bundled Fred applejuice into a car and sent him to the local psychiatric hospital Badmayes.



To control him the man was heavily drugged and re - educated.



Eventually, the man learnt how to survive on measly portions of food, and not to raise any more commotions.

THE DIED - A - RIDE

Once upon a time a dial - a - ride bus picked up a dead person to take him to his day centre.
The driver strapped the passenger to his seat with a seat belt even though he was dead.
The bus soon arrived at Deadman's Adult day Centre and the driver unbelted the dead man and carried him into his centre.


Deadman's Adult day Centre is a day centre for deceased people.


At this centre meals aren't served except for the staff, the reason:
All the day centre members are deceased, nor can they participate in activities, because ex alive men cannot move.


In order to get drawings done the staff have to rotate the lifeless man's arms, that's the only way a dead man can draw a picture, because he can't move on his own.


Some of the men who attend this centre have been dead for 800 years.

One day in my flat Goodmayes Lodge someone was cooking toast and the alarm went off, so loud, that it could be heard as far away as America. In fact the din was so loud that nearby buildings collapsed all because of George Dumplings, one of the lodge residents. Because of the collapse of houses outside people had to be rehoused - in other peoples’ cars. People returning to their vehicles saw what happened, opened up the doors and chucked the people out. But where would they go now.
The answer:
“On the moon”.

Moon transport buses came down from the sky and whisked the homeless up to the moon.

All of a sudden the collapsed buildings re- assembled themselves and the people made homeless by the collapse returned to their houses. It was a man called Henry Opener who reversed the damage when he shouted:
“Houses, Come back to life, and they did”.

The manager congratulated the magical man in finding a way to put collapsed buildings back together again.

The lodge’s alarm system was so destructive that it could cause the whole of London to collapse and die and, ‘who was to blame for this mad alarm system?
The answer:
Peter Doughnut, the mad scientist. He was a real madman who was born in a telephone box in Green Sausage Lane, Ilford. He had spent 600 times in a mental hospital.
Once, Peter Doughnut squirted gravy into a radio set, for this he got sent to Dog Bowl Hospital. On one occasion he shoved a dinner plate down another patient’s throat. The nurse arrived on the scene and put him into a bare room for two hours.

The Goodmayes Lodge staff were told about the mad scientist and were relieved when he got put away.
The faulty alarm system got replaced in the end.

THE MAN WHO HAD A GO AT ANOTHER MAN WITH HIS WALKING STICK



One day in the Beezer Centre, during an exercise group there was a very old man, aged about 101 sitting in his own special seat which he chose for himself.
Apparently one of the people from the Dandy Day Centre decided he wanted more space, but in doing so stood right in front of the centenarian man. In response he shouted:
"Get out of my view you interfering scum, and whacked him with his walking stick."
This affected the man so much that he withdrew into his seat and took no interest in anything.

The exercise teacher seeing what had happened came up to the man and warned him that if he did it again he'd be expelled from the exercise room, and told him off.

Because of the upset the other man hardly exercised because he just wasn't interested in anything.
he also withdrew into the corner.
One of the members of staff from the Beezer Centre coaxed him out and made him rejoin the rest of the group.

When the time came for the man to go back to the centre across the road it was time for lunch, but because of what the hateful man did to him he just wasn't interested in food and ate virtually nothing.
In fact the man ate nothing for two days because of the incident in the exercise group and slept on the floor, once at home because he was no good for bed. Not only that, he ignored the carers at his home because he didn't want anything to do with people after what a a 101 year old day centre member did to him at the Beezer Centre.

The upset was so severe that the man didn't take interest in anything for a week apart from food; even though he ate very little, but returned to normal after a week.

Because of the incident in the Beezer Centre when a 101 year old man whacked the other man with a walking stick the victim developed a grudge against elderly people which went on for two months, even elderly residents who lived in his own support home.

In the end the exercise teacher had to segregate the man who was picked on by the one of the day centre members of the Beezer Centre, by enclosing him inside his own pen in the exercise room.
He had a fence put up to protect him from the elderly day centre member who had a violent outburst, the only man, for the other elderly day centre members were good people.