What should I say to people who judge my child?

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Speaking only for myself, it used to be, before I knew what was really going on. Now that I know though, it isn't about either. For me it's about people judging situations they know nothing about. Since it doesn't embarrass me anymore, I mostly just let it go. It's their ignorance, not mine, and my kids are doing the best they can. How other people react to that is mostly their own problem, not ours.

I usually tell the bystander "sorry" and maybe give a small explanation if need be, but usually don't point it out that it's just him. I'll say something like "oh, sorry about that-we tend to be quite oblivious at times, this is one of his times" or something like that. Zack thinks it's funny when I say it, lol, as he knows I have it too

If he's standing in someone's way, and I notice it, I'll say "kiddos all need to be over on this side of the aisle", and get them over to my side, and usually nothing winds up being said.

I do make Zack be quieter in the store... not because it'll embarrass me or anything, but because it disturbs others, and he's gonna have to be able to go out into the world some day, so needs to know.

Sometimes I wait until we get into the car to explain it to him, and we talk a LOT about it. He's usually fine with it, and finds other ways to act in the store and still enjoys it just fine. But Zack is still really young-9, so his things are like, barking while walking through the store, lol. So it's definitely not a good mental pic of him going in for a job interview and barking at the person he's talking to

I dunno what I'll do as he gets older. I don't think I've had a ton of direct comments to him, to be honest, and for that, I'm grateful, because I don't know what I would do if someone walked up to him and talked to him harshly. Luckily, most I deal with know it, and don't have any problems at all. One neighbor the other day was very angry about something he said on the bus, because it made her daughter cry. She knocked on the door and asked to talk to Zack, so I brought him over, no questions asked, and just stood there. She just told him he can't say things like that (it was a comment about her dog being dead... the dog just died over the summer, so it's a fairly fresh "wound" still), and asked him to apologize. Then we talked about it and all.

I'll let you know what happens if anyone ever says anything really directly to him though that gets me fuming.... sorry I'm not much help, lol.

First thing to do is find your son a stim. Then instead of watching him peel bark off trees (or whatever it happens to be at the time) hand him the toy or swatch as something more subtle/acceptable/quiet/private to be doing.

As for dealing with the 'evil eyes' of the world, there have been a lot oof opinions presented above, and a good mix of them could work. Depending on you and your sons' personalities, you could get yourself a custom ballcap with "Autism Rocks!" on it and wear it yourself, tip it to anyone who glares. Half kidding of course, but get creative.

Someone already mentioned that saying "he can't help it" isn't the right way to go.. Because that's somewhat inaccurate. It's more like "He doesn't realize he ought to avoid it".. more words, but more importantly a totally different concept... precise use of language can sometimes be important - your son will likely pick up on the subtle distinction (he is listening to everything you say and weighing every word) and rather than continuing to do the thing he's doing, he'll most likely ask you what he's doing wrong (and why it is wrong) - or figure out for himself that what he's doing doesn't sit well in the public eye... for one reason or another... and maybe stop doing it all on his own.

Edit: "Wrong" as used above is used somewhat dramatically.. It isn't neecessarily wrong, just non-conformist. Explain it as 'not fitting in' rather than using the term 'wrong'.

An upraised middle finger is always a classy choice.

--XFG

Have you considered taking him to a social skills class? It sounds like he could benefit from one.

Last edited by Delirium on 23 Aug 2010, 10:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Also very loud 13 year olds may need more pressure to quieten, to go back to your original topic.

Many people including myself sometimes look up in disquiet when nearby children are cutting up loud. Yelling STFU is probably not appropriate though

I think that, as important as it is to teach him how he's expected to behave, that he also needs to be taught--and strongly--that if he's mistreated when he makes mistakes, it is NOT his fault; it's other people being jerks, and that there's no excuse for it. If you blame all the bigotry you're targeted with on your own mistakes, then you'll start to internalize it, and that's no good for anybody--especially not a disabled kid who's by definition got shaky social skills to begin with.

It's very, very important that he knows he is not to blame if he's mistreated, no matter how big a mistake he made. Sometimes, of course, there are misunderstandings and it's nobody's fault; but in many cases, it's the nasty people of the world coming out of the woodwork because they see the autistic target painted on our backs. That's just the way it is... The sooner he learns that the opinions of jerks and bigots don't matter, the better.

Remember the old saying 'should be seen and not heard'? Haha 'playing quietly with his toys'

My dad would come up behind me and give me a clip around the ears when I was being loud. It really hurt my ear for ages afterwards and I would really hate him then.

You know... I try to remember, too, that a LOT of children just completely do lack discipline in general these days... I'm always complaining about it because the majority on our street are like that, and I cannot stand to be in public with them.

It's not because they are awful kids, but because they have just horrible horrible manners in general and just haven't been taught... I mean, we're talking kids who will point and laugh at someone in a wheelchair and when you turn around, the parents are doing it, too.

A lot of people automatically assume it's a situation like that, because it really has become extremely common, sadly.

Heck, I've met parents of autistic kids that let their children run wild because they are afraid to tell them "no" about anything at all, and openly admit that they don't discipline their child because they have autism. I've heard lots of stories of just awful things happening in the store... kids throwing loaves of bread at people, crashing into strangers constantly, etc., then the parent being proud that they told the person off when they said something.

If you can think of it from that angle, then it's kind of understandable where people are coming from, since they don't know that one situation is different from the next.

Just like the neighborhood kids around here, I don't know what it's like for them at home or why they want to be at my house so much... but I DO know they stir up a lot of trouble and I have to watch them for stealing things when they are over... so I wind up telling them they can't come to my house at all. My house, for all I know, could be their only escape from home life... but it doesn't make me feel any different about how they act when they walk into my house.

I'm just fine with them some days (as long as they don't enter my house, lol), but on a bad day, I will say something about it all and tell them to go home.

Does that make sense?

Maybe people just auto assume the worst since it has become so common to see kids unsupervised playing volleyball in the store and things like that? They don't know the whole story.

I've been thinking about this one a lot today, lol, and it's a rough one. I think if someone were to say something to my child, I would be quite ticked, since it's pretty loud and clear that I'll get on to him about things from time to time, or at least I'll redirect him when need be (remind him to stay with the cart rather than spinning in circles when people are trying to go by, lol). But... I can't help it but to see it from that side too, since every time I go to the store I seem to run into some kid that is literally climbing all over my cart and invading my space and the parent is completely oblivious, lol.

I've never had a problem telling people they were in my space.. kids or 90 year olds alike.
Correction: I've never felt guilty about it. Sometimes it causes problems.

I long ago decided:
If someone's kids are throwing tomatoes on the ground, that's not your problem to interfere with. If someone's kid is whipping loaves of bread at you (or at the elderly centengenarian in aisle 7) feel free to tell the kids they are overstepping their boundaries.
If it pisses off their mom that you're telling her kids off? Oh well. Personal Space is inviolate. That's key one to social trust / social safety among humans. Let her yell at you. She's wrong.
Tell her so. Right to security and privacy of the body is a social absolute.
Today I was at the grocery store and an old lady (80's?) came up behind me, pushed at the small of my back, and said excuse me (both at the same time). I froze/spasmed from the unexpected contact. And bitched her out about it 2 minutes later when I had soothed myself.
She wasn't happy about it, neither was I... But my opinion of limits / lines is that you don't $@ with another person by deliberately touching or blocking them (but that's another story).

Decide where your lines are. Your own personal policies. And abide by them when deciding whether the other person's kids are wrong, or deciding if your own is.

Kids who steal should not be permitted into your house. That's a social absolute too.

My mom taught us about stealing when we were young. My sister and I stole some shinies from a house we were visiting. She called the mom, forced us to WALK back to their house, and formally appologize and return the objects to her son. I was 10 and my sister 8. That event is still with me 24 years later. It worked.

Tell them to listen to 'God's Children', by The Kinks, on YouTube and than get back to you, on that one.

lol, that is what I thought too, and EXACTLY what my mom did to me. I stole a pack of stickers because I liked them and my mom told me I couldn't get them. So I stuck them in my pocket. We walked back up to the store where I had to tell the manager. I stood there crying because I thought I was going to be in sooo much trouble and might get arrested and all. Never have done it again.

...and yes, there are lots of people sadly in the world that act like that when it comes to other people's personal space... they really just don't respect that in some cases.

I do make a bit of an assessment of the situation usually first before saying much about it. I mean, usually it's a few things going on-the parent defends the kid and acts like nothing happened, or isn't around at all anyway.

Mainly though, I just thought I might throw that perspective out there, too, as that is what is quite normal to see in my area, at least, and people kind of seemed to have adopted it when it comes to any and all kids.

I'm slowly learning, that you could do everything in the world that someone wants you to do with your child, and thee will always be something else that they would do "just a little bit differently" and have to tell you about. When it comes to kids, sometimes it's best to ignore the comments, and some days you just wanna rip the person's head off.

To OP, despite this different perspective on things, let us know what winds up happening. Even if you can understand it, that's moreso to help grin and bear it until you figure out what to do about it. But once you know how you want to approach it, by all means, do so, because others don't have the right to invade and comment about things like that if they don't know any more than what they are seeing right that second.

To OP:

Have you and your son discussed his differences? Does he know why some things are difficult for him or why he does things differently from other people? Does he know there's a name for all that, and is he familiar/comfortable with it?

If not, he might like to (that's a whole other issue and I'm not a parent, so I'm not sure I'm qualified to tackle it - but I definitely wish I'd known there was a word for it when I was his age). It might help him to self-advocate in the world by giving him an explanation he can use if he desires. Furthermore, then you can discuss with him what he would like you to do in that sort of situation. Perhaps you can explain that sometimes other people notice when he's doing the things that make him happy or calm, and there's nothing wrong with the fact that he likes doing them, but sometimes those people act rudely and need to be sent packing with a quick and simple explanation (or perhaps the people aren't rude, but are genuinely curious and would actually appreciate an explanation - you never know when a mother sees your child and thinks, "he's just like my son, maybe she has some answers!").

I am a parent of an adult asd - I usually ignored public problems as he was growing up. My son did not notice them so it only hurt me. If they were mean to him, then I would explain autism and they were usually nice then.

Now though, I hand out my respectful awareness cards that I wrote and sell for cheap. They can be used in any situation or just to let people know that my son is there and part of the community.

Thank you all for your comments and advice. Yes my son is aware that he has Aspergers and he is very comfortable with that and we are able to talk openly about it as a family. He always says, "I never wish to not have Aspergers because without Aspergers I would not be who I am now and I would not want to change who I am"

We had a discussion a few nights ago about the predicament and I asked him how he would like me to react and what I could say because ultimately this is personal to him and he may not want complete strangers to know and I respect that. We thought of a few things I could say and some that he could say if we felt it was appropriate. One thing he did say was that he thought strangers knew just by looking at him that he has Aspergers and he was surprised when I explained that this was not the case. Anyway, we agreed that depending on each situation we would either ignore it, inform the person politely or give them a card explaining what ASD is. He seems happy with that so I am happy too. Also, I explained how it makes me feel when people make comments or judgements about him and how it hurts me to see my loved one treated that way. This made him smile to know that I was on his side and not the other. That is what he needs to hear and know, he has done nothing wrong, he is amazing and we are always on his side no matter what!!

After glancing through this thread, it's really really lovely to read this final entry, above mine.

I have a son who has just turned 11, and he has Aspergers. He does a lot of inappropriate stuff in public that sounds similar to your son's behaviour. People will intervene,
or express their displeasure by giving disapproving looks or so forth.
He's a lot, lot better than he used to be ~ if anything it's just loudness and what other people consider rude comments he makes now.

When he was younger I found it really difficult. I grew a thick skin and learnt to concentrate on him, not on everyone else.

It is really nice to read of someone who's had a similar experience as well and that you were able to speak to your son about it. Thanks.