ALONE WHILE WITH OTHERS

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Again, I appreciate the comments.

But the question was what do we do to make this not happen when we are in situations like this.

It wasn't about whether or not they deserve our attention or whether we should be there in the first place.

It was when we are in situations like this, how we can make sure we aren't alone in the midst of others.

This is just something we struggle with. There is an ebb and flow to conversation that most of us don't see. If you want to get better, place yourself in social situations and practice. Make no mistake, it will never be natural. What NT's "just do" will require consentration and work from you. I find it exuasting and not worth the effort.

Good luck

I think it's about body language, tone of voice & timing. When you're one on one, the other person pretty much has to put up with you, but if you're slow in a group they'll talk to each other and assume you're not interested.

If you seem & talk confident, and say things at the right time, it should go better... of course, that's easier said than done There are guides on the internet, google it. One partially related link: http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html

Well obviously, I know it's something we struggle with or I wouldn't have posted the topic for discussion. I have been putting myself in these situations for years and have gotten a little bit better, but I really think if we explore the invisible man/alone in the midst of others concept, it would help tremendously.

Yes it will require consentration and work on our part, but that is another reason for posting this topic.

What specific things do we need to concentrate on to improve/make people realize we're there when they are in these groups?

Can you confide in someone who observes you in these settings , and plainly ask them ,"how do I look..... ?"

I ask my wife on occasion , and of course this can lead to a can of worms, but I'm a curious fellow, and the input can give" you" at least a starting point.


Example : If we're out with people ,later I'll ask how did I do , (as when I think 'I bombed') ;she comments-- "you did great". When I think I did great , she says "why did you have to say that", or "be discreet ", or "that was rude."

Once I was answering a question from someone , but I was looking at my wife the whole time , but was talking to him as he was at my side - 90* to my left. Later on she said, in laughing way, "why were you looking at me the whole time , when you were talking to him?"

This helped me prune a lot of bad habits.

Otherwise you're shooting in the dark.


P.S. also you may want to move this to the social skills forum.

Hi,

Alone is a state of mind. You can most certainly develop skills to integrate into a group(I have it down to a fine art after years of studying), but it is superficial. I rarely get any meaningful discourse out of this. Even in a group, I am essentially alone and as I have gotten older, I prefer it that way.

In a group, you must follow the line of conversation, never speak out of turn, do not bring up religion or politics, or discuss how sexy you think the wife/husband is that is married to your next door neighbour. If I start to forget how cynical I am, I go participate in a group. Groups do not contain depth(unless it is a think tank for your particular interest).

If it is intimacy in a group that you are after, I am afraid I do not have good news for you. A group is merely another platform for polite and banal conversation. Like I said, developing the skills to participate are fairly rudimentary, although it took years to get the right formula. Unfortunately, any group I am likely to encounter takes me a couple of weeks of studying beforehand so I don't make a total badger of myself.

Groups are tiring, boring and bring on sensory overload. Take good care of yourself and only surround yourself with people that MATTER when you can. Your experience will most likely be more fulfilling that way.

Mics

Keep disccussing please.

For me, it takes preparation. If the group situation is unexpected and I'm in that "alone funk," all I can really do is ride it out. If I have advanced notice though, just keeping aware as it comes up helps a lot. I don't know how old you are, so I don't know how well what I do would work for you. I have learned, through classes that deal with team mentality, and simply by forcing myself to approach people and ask questions of them, to "be" social even though a lot of the time I go through the motions and mentally don't really feel "there" at all. Practice and being in situations like classes that focus on social interaction have helped a lot. Public speaking classes helped. Communication classes too. Spending a lot of time in online classes for a while, doing it all in writing first can help.

The cool thing about taking classes in stuff like that is that there's usually a high percentage of students in the same or similar predicament as yourself. They are there because they want to better at it, and a lot are not good at it at all. There's a lot of embarrassment, and a lot of laughter because pretty much everybody is out of sorts except the instructor.

Now that I've been through a few of those, and learned what I can do once there, preparing mentally in advance helps a lot when I know about it ahead of time. I'm not saying I learned to be swave and deboner (suave and debonair) every time I'm in those situations, but I did learn to fake my way through a lot of it. So did the other students by the way, and most of them probably weren't even on the spectrum.

I just keep quiet and listen in on the conversation if it's something I'm interested in. If not, then I just sit there and let my mind wander.

Alright. I thought of something new.

A couple of people said it helps to pre plan things. Maybe it would be helpful for all involved to run through some specific scenarios.

You could describe what you would do, or rather, should do to be able to mingle well in these situations.
You can also add your own scenario to the mix for others to make suggestions for.
The more specific you can be in writing your scenario as well as your suggestions, the better.

I'll start with the first scenario.

You have been invited to eat lunch with a group of people from your college (you are still in school). You know about 2/3 of the people there. The goal is to tighten existing bonds and form new ones. During the conversation in which you were invited to the lunch (which took place about 15 mins before the lunch itself), you already did the small talk about what people did over the summer, what classes everyone is taking this semester, weather, etc.

You are at the lunch now. Everyone is waiting on their food. Meanwhile, one half of the table is talking about how the one person is having trouble finding time to spend with his girlfriend. The other half is talking about someone who was passed out at a party the previous weekend.

How do you chime in? Assume that if there is a topic change, it will be something just as foreign to you.

Describes the life i had when i was 20-something and still were going out to pubs/clubs with my friends.

Suggestion? Well, i stopped going out. I never went home with a girl, so it was just a waste of my time and my money. No big surprise why i am introverted these days...

Yes it happens all the time and right to my face too. I act like I am used to it but I will never get used to the hurt I feel being ignored to my face.

I meant suggestions that actually help you fit in during situations like this. If I wanted to give up, I would have done that already without anyone's help.

I often have such situations in the university. When I sit in the corridor, and people pass by, go back and forth, some people does know me, some not, but all reactions are same: no reaction. I m invisible. There are many foreign students in university, but sometimes I feel like all of them are foreigners, even in my friends.
What do I do? I take a book and use this time to develop myself. I know, that people will come, and they come. In some situations, and not rare, they need me - a good listener, and somebody who can help with studying (I study good and always have useful information).
In such situation like you described, with chatting at dinner, maybe you may try to change a role. To be an active listener. There are always people in such companies, who need somebody to tell about their problems etc. They don't expect strong reaction, you may nod or say short phrases. To be such kind of listener can be good start to tune in the company, if you really want this.

Keep discussing. In particular, please give suggestions for the scenario given above.

About particular situation you have described, I have an idea. Sometimes I use this plan. Try to use such topics, which are foreign to you, to get some information.
First, listen carefully to people near you, because, for me, it is easier to speak with people near to you, not on the other end of the table. Many people are glad to give advices, because they feel confident and useful, when they do this. So don't be afraid to ask, something you want to know about girls or parties. Like "Oh, sometimes I don't understand, what does it mean when the girl..." or "Can you give me any advice, I am very tired when I visit parties, what I can do with it?" The idea is to make a question, that is related at the same time to you, and to this topics.
Don't use it too much, but it can be good introduction for you. You will get some useful advices, and you will have show, that such topics are interesting for you. Sometimes, when I use this strategy, I feel myself really like an researcher on the wrong planet, or it is like immersion in foreign language. From this point of view you can better see the ways, what to say and what to ask.
I hope this will be useful for you.