very high functioning level hides serious difficulties

Post Reply New Topic

I do think the reward circuit has a lot to do with it, but wonder whether other people get some kind of internal feedback from their choices which lets them know whether they are good or bad.

I just feel that anything I have done was guesswork, rather than purposeful. It seems to be that I have never had any capacity to connect cause and effect when it comes to things that personally affect me. I have been driving blindfolded and have almost no capability to formulate long-term plans or even see beyond tomorrow.

The result has been that almost every choice I have made has been to my detriment, since even when I did have some support from others, they always assumed that I knew what I was doing, because I appear to be very capable of many things. When I asked for advice or help all I ever got was "You'll figure it out."


Being very high-functioning has hidden my difficulties, and caused me a great deal of confusion. I might have gained some understanding now, yes it explains a lot, but that doesn't take away the problems, it just makes me aware of how badly I have done.


This is it. I spend a lot of time in a state of fear, because I don't know 'how'. And the hindsight of previous experience has only taught me 'how not to'.

I guess I fall into this category. I seem smart, but my life is a mess.

I've decided to chime in, here.

I'm very mild, and I've just found out, that I have no Theory of Mind. That's a real problem, that I didn't know about, until now. I'm 35 and it's taken this long, for me to figure this out. Every time that I make a positive change, I expect every member here, to pat me on the back, and congratulate me. That's too much to expect, because we're all strangers, yet we're all friends.

Some members weren't around, four years ago, and some members weren't even around, for a year. This is where my thinking is flawed. Face Palm.

Hey Cockney Rebel

Long time no see. I haven't been on WP at all for quite a few months, really. Which is cool, and it's cool to be back on WP and see all the faces (um, usernames etc) that I used to.

I have no Theory of Mind either, so I don't know what appropriate responses are. Thanks for talking about that; what you said made a lot of sense.
I haven't done much reading about ToM itself, and .. well, that's the best explanation that I can actually relate to, that I've heard ! !

My skewed expectations get me into trouble (wierd behaviour) all the time

I have high IQ, very good verbal skills, highly educated, well-read, etc. In most senses I am either completely okay, or the skills that I do have mask or compensate for the deficits.

However, people realize very early on in conversation that there is something "wrong" with me. I feel like everybody can see this defect (as if it is a visible thing), but I am assured that it is more of a general discomfort for most people, with much less frequent (but sometimes spectacular) social blunders. My psychologist says that my eye contact is "studied" rather than natural, because I have learned to copy socially appropriate eye gaze. My handshaking, gesturing, smiling etc are usually noticeably different from other people. I am very poor at the social niceties of asking how are you, discussing the weather or other introductory activities, and have a tendency to (brutal) honesty that can be socially inappropriate.

Yeah, there's some natural flow thing that I just can't learn to emulate. I'm sure I give off a 'pod person' vibe. I find the fact that people can detect that something is 'wrong', but not be able to explain what it is, rather amusing.

Hi. I am high functioning too. I am 40. Have a degree in Computing and have worked many years in that industry earning decent money. I change jobs frequently without really knowing why. However I am realizing now that all my problems are to do with people. I know I have never understood people in my life so have kept them at arms length. When I have left jobs I realize now it is because I could not stand the people anymore. But I can see now how important social aspects of work are. I am now unemployed after my last job got rid of me because I went off sick with meltdown. I am feeling like I am a failure in my career. But I know its ridiculous to think that because the 'failure' is really due to other people not understanding me.

Anyway now I may get a diagnosis so if I tell people in a new job they will probably treat me like a ret*d! Who knows what the best to do is.

So I think I can relate to what I think you are saying. Our problems go unoticed because it looks like we are succesful on paper.

It took me a very long time realize this too. For a long time, I thought it was most important to be "professional"; I even thought it was not good to be social, as that made one "less professional". Now that I finally realize that *everything* seems to rest on good social skills, I´ve finally come to the conclusion that maybe this is why I haven´t been going as far in my job as I had hoped, and why I feel bored and overqualified for what I´m doing.

Yep.

I can do all the *normal* things I'm expected to do to function like an adult but I still have a terrible time with the concept of other people. I like them but I just can't really connect.

I don't understand how they can all have their own seperate networks and feel connected to each other. I think I come off like I'm the only person in my world even when I have a lot of friends because that's how I think and I can't change that.

I can have relationships but I'll never really know if they are fulfilling to the other person or not. I don't know what people really think of me, I don't know if they feel liked/loved by me or anything.

I guess I'm just going to have to keep on faking it. It's *worked* in the past but even now I can't be sure if other people felt how I felt. I felt connected to them in my mind, but never around them in the same room and it could have always been the same way for them.

Ditto! I couldn't get the help I needed in school because I was too "high functining" to qualfy for services.

I'm a bit curious as to how you guys define 'very high functioning' (as opposed to high functioning). If it's about cognitive abilities, then yes I'm 'very high functioning'. Or is it about what you've accomplished in life, how you manage on a daily basis? In that case I'm fairly high functioning (living on my own, doing great academically). Otherwise, I don't think I could consider my self more functioning than my fellow aspies - saying that you're 'very high functioning' feels to me like patting yourself on the back or being in denial.

The story of my life.

I have learned to adapt to the NT world over the course of my adult life. I more or less had to. I have an NT spouse and all but one of my children are NTs. Necessity necessitates. I have pretty well learned to seem like an NT to most NTs I meet and I do a good job of passing for human. All my adaptations are studied. I have come by them empirically (trial and error) and I have little or no intuition for grasping the interior lives of others or even myself. I very rarely introspect, partly because I have no wish to and partly because I have little talent for it.

ruveyn

I am high functioning. I have an IQ that is within normal ranges. I have done some papers that are part of a degre. But I have a lot of difucitlys with comunication. I do not have a job. I do not drive a car. I have a caregiver. I can not live on my own. being hich functioning can be confusing.

I don't even like to tell people what my IQ is, because it's just high enough they think I should be able to accomplish anything, but just low enough not to be considered a wacked out eccentric genius with all sorts of social problems. Little do they know...

I am!

i recognized it somewhere along the road but was infuriated by the recognition that those who were socially successful at work (but unconcerned with job accuracy) were given preferential treatment over someone (me) whose work ethic and integrity were boundless, but who failed at integrating socially with co-workers. i didn't make the connection between AS and my work related issues until reading nearly identical stories in the job section of the forum, and a book about AS and employment that could be a biography of me, it explains the problems i've had with such accuracy.

i don't know how i would define high (i wouldn't go so far as to say "very high") functioning overall, but in terms of social abilities - the tendency for others to interpret your deficits as deliberate defiance or character flaws rather than what they are, a failure in understanding. at least for me. i'm concerned about future work, about asking for any accommodations since my previous attempts to explain myself when overwhelmed have made bad situations worse. i've gone from being seen as difficult to being seen as difficult and making excuses for it.

I remember once upon a time I was speaking with someone who told me this "To the people around you, you seem to be serene. They have no idea that inside you're screaming". I had no idea how true that statement was until I started to ask people what their perception of my mood was.

I expend at least half of my energy attempting to keep myself from falling apart. Most people have no idea. It's amazing to me.