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On social chit chat

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billybud21
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02 Nov 2010, 9:37 pm

wavefreak58 wrote:
I was trying to explain to my wife why social chit chat is hard for me. The best explanation was along these lines.

Social chit chat is not even about the subject being talked about. The weather is irrelevant. Johnny's runny nose and what happened on "Dancing With the Stars" are peripheral concerns. What is important is the chit chat itself. The interaction between words, facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and all the other finely tuned elements of social communication exist not to communicate any particular THING but rather to create an environment of comfort and safety. The chit chat serves to relax the participants and reinforce their sense of security and belonging. It is a form of social nourishment - food for the being. The difference between me and an NT is that I CAN'T TASTE THE FOOD. I can learn the recipes, I can cook them up and serve them, but since I can't TASTE it, I can't tell if what I've offered is any good or not. Worse, I get no nourishment from the process. It isn't that I don't like social chit chat. I get NOTHING from it. If the normal banter of social communication is steak and potatoes to an NT, it is unflavored gelatin to me. So even if I practice social chatter, and even if I get good at it, I will never know the feelings of security and belonging that comes from it. It is an empty exercise, one that I must indulge in because if I don't I will not gain any long term benefits that might serve to actually create that security and belonging.

Social chit chat is like force feeding me unflavored jello. I can eat it. It won't hurt me. But it is a useless effort. It is a fulfilling meal to an NT. It leaves me still hungry.


Very well put. That is the way I feel as well.


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02 Nov 2010, 9:51 pm

I completely agree 100% with WaveFreak, also social chit chat makes me feel uncomfortable. I just fear that I am going to say something wrong and the social police are going to take me away. When I was at college not too long ago I am around people my age and I want to talk to some of them but they have little groups already and I don't want to make a scene or a bad reputation for myself.

I don't know what the problem is, some two cuties in a red bull car was handing out free red bull and I am not sure if it was me just being unconformable going up to peers or I didn't know they where handing it out. All I knew is they where in a red bull car with the window down. My brother who picked me up wanted me to get some red bull for him but I refused, I was just too scared stiff. My brother was an NT and was having a fit that I didn't get him any but I didn't care, I felt extremely uncomfortable doing it.

Same with peers in class, I know social chit chat is required to make friends but I don't want to break any rules of the classroom and have the person that I am talking to thinking I am weird. I wanted us to hang out but when I was going to ask her she just gave me an attitude like she didn't want to be around me :( Social chit chat is my ultimate weakness



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03 Nov 2010, 1:57 am

I try my best to show interest during small talk but my mind just drifts away. My friends don't mind me talking about my interests though. It's a good thing one of them has some knowledge of science.


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03 Nov 2010, 2:14 am

I just can't stand the fake nature of most small-talk. Rarely are anything but the most positive and superficial words spoken. It feels so uninvolving to me. I just want to dive right into talk about the other person (and possibly my shared) interest(s), that's when there's actually passion and feeling in the conversation. Chit-chat is robotic and unbearable. I mean yeah, I do it, and I try my best, but it's simply very hard for me to work up the effort. So as a result I might sound unhappy or disinterested. I can't help it sometimes.



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03 Nov 2010, 11:30 am

Quote:
"2. in individuals with adequate speech, marked impairment in the ability to initiate or sustain a conversation with others"


I, too, thought that idle social chit-chat was largely MEANINGLESS - and PARTICULARLY with STRANGERS! I find pleasantries, such as GOOD MORNING and HI, annoying. But there is a point where I realize that this inability is crippling! Fourteen years in a Twelve Step movement and I have trouble initiating conversations with PEOPLE I KNOW - much less someone I've only seen in passing! There is A LOT of stress that goes along with this as well as the thoughts of trying to make myself do something I'm not really capable of doing.

THEN add to that the stress that comes from people telling you that you don't TRY hard enough - that you're ALOOF and DISTANT! AND THEN experience this with NOTHING TO CALL IT...leavng you at the mercy of people who misunderstand your intentions!

Being in this boat, I understand undiagnosed people wanting a formal diagnosis! Unfortunately, people don't take the word of someone who just SAYS they have AS/ASD/PDD-NOS/BAP/SchizoidPD/etc. I'm talking about personal experience here. It's enough to drive a person INSANE :help:

I just went through this last night during the hug break and after the closing at a meeting last night. The stress from it is one reason I retreat to a safe place in social situations until I can get around some people who understand me better.