22 year old son is driving us crazy

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I'm assuming no such thing. But no matter the root cause, endlessly vegetating in front of a computer playing games is to no ones advantage. It can only end badly.

The real trick is to figure out what is needed to break that cycle.

I think the reason so many are assuming laziness is based on the language of the OP, which is all we have to go on. The word used was rather, which implies that he is capable but chooses not to do anything differently.

The OP is certainly interested in presenting the situation from his perspective, and probably not all that interested in presenting it from his stepson's perspective.

People have made statements like that about me my entire life and yet somehow they have no relation to what I really want or would like to do.

I think the OP would prefer that his stepson log in and present his side himself. That would probably be a good place for him to start.

Possibly! Could only help, and I think that the stepson would receive better, more helpful advice if he came here looking.

Certainly. I didn't read the original post as asking for advice for the stepson as much as asking for advice for himself.

I'm 24, intelligent, unemployed and spend most my time on the computer. Am I lazy?

I'd like a job but I know with my functioning issues I'd struggle with it and barely last a day before I'm fired. Anyway, I've tried to get a job and no one wants to hire me.
The computer is a coping mechanism. Because I lack motivation at times to get simple tasks done.
I barely spend any time with my mum anymore. I try to show her I still care but it's hard to spend a lot of time with her when I'm glued to my computer. I'm talking to people who get me.
The only difference between me and the OP's step son is I can communicate why I am struggling and try to get better at things.
At 22 I was still confusing autistic with acoustic and didn't know much about it so I probably acted in the same way as her step son.
The reason why I'm on this computer a lot is because if I wasn't I'd be walking around in circles not knowing what to do. There's always the TV I suppose...

Chances are there are at least some ability barriers there--maybe major ones; maybe just minor ones augmented by a lifetime of learned helplessness, but I would be ridiculously surprised to learn there weren't any at all.

If you keep on punishing and punishing for not being able to do things that he hasn't learned yet, then he won't suddenly, magically learn how to do them. The only thing he'll learn is that he's stupid, lazy, immature, and hopeless and will never amount to anything because obviously, anybody should be able to do these things; therefore he should be able to do them; therefore he must be lazy because he isn't doing them. And he'll never think of the idea that it actually might not be possible yet for him to do those things, and therefore he should find ways to learn them or find other ways to do them, because he'll be stuck on the idea that he can "obviously" do them--he just doesn't want to.

It's like seeing a dyslexic person taking an hour to puzzle out a paragraph and proclaiming that they must be too lazy to read any faster, and concluding that they need more discipline rather than a reading coach and audio textbooks.

Last edited by Callista on 23 Dec 2010, 7:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Man, there's a lot of "just get a job" stuff on this forum. I remember those days. It's rather enlightening to see that things haven't changed much.

I could deal with being unacceptable "out there", or I could deal with being unacceptable at home but I couldn't do both. And I've had over 100 jobs and 3 ex-husbands to prove it.

Do you want to know what this type of griping sounds like to someone with autism? It sounds like "If making my life easier means that you have to be miserable right down to your soul, then so be it.".

All I knew when I was 22 was that people suck. I've since come to understand that they just don't get it. But I guess they still suck, too.

edit: FYI - I have been "lucky" my whole life. Things always work out for me. But if I was trapped (and yes, that's what it feels like) and someone made it clear that they thought I wasn't "earning my keep" - I would have stopped eating - in a heartbeat - if I thought it might get someone out of my face. No big deal. And just so you know, when you live in a world where you are unacceptable everywhere you go, you make friends with death and dying pretty early on. Takes a lot of the stress out of the discomfort of knowing you'll never be "good enough".

I spent years trying to just get a job or an education and I don't know, I actually feel like I'm worse at all this stuff than I was at 22.

Maybe just "try your hardest"?



Sounds like a lot of trying your hardest.



Not all people suck.

I'm definitely worse at that stuff than at 22. Fortunately, I have a whole lot of documentation of various conditions that make that stuff impossible. (And some of that was luck, including the luck of experiencing certain aspects of those conditions in front of someone who knew, at a time when there were three or fewer papers in existence on the topic, that what I was experiencing was likely a thought-rare-at-the-time progressive movement issue some autistic people get.) Otherwise I would be in pretty bad shape right now if I'd survived at all.

Interestingly, though my health and ability to do certain things (presumed in the USA and many other places to be the measure of a human being's worth, productivity, and ability to behave as an ethical person) has gotten worse over time, my resilience, self-awareness, and happiness have all improved. Otherwise I would be dealing with both my inability to do things, and an inability to emotionally handle being unable to do them.

And I do see around here in general (not just in some responses to this thread) lot of not questioning of the idea that having a job and doing the tasks presumed to make one "independent" (nobody is independent), are all a good measure of a person's worth, productivity, contribution to society, and ability to behave as an ethical person. And if a person has traits presumed to mark them out as capable of those tasks (even if they're not), then they will catch a lot of flack if they are actually unable to do these things. Years ago I encountered people here who assumed my ability to write showed I was capable of those things (a response I don't as often get in person as I look and move unusual). I have not forgotten what it felt like to be judged on superficial properties which is why I do my best not to judge others.

I do have to wonder if people would see such frequent computer use as so destructive if he were restricted to bed. I know that I am (due to things mostly unrelated to autism) restricted to bed about 99% of the time, and computer use is certainly the most intellectually active thing I do. Much of the rest of the time I just snuggle with my cat or hold/sniff/stare at/etc. different objects, or just don't do anything outwardly noticeable to other people at all. (Computer use requires a kind of thought I'm only sometimes capable of). As such, most people see the computer as quite good for me. But at other times in my life, even though my activities were almost as restricted (just in other ways), people saw it as a bad thing. There's the possibility that at least some people seen as lazy for going on the computer all the time are in that "just as restricted in some ways, but in a different configuration" category as well. What makes my computer use good and stimulating and theirs bad and vegetating?

Now it's totally possible that he has lots of other genuine options (although that in itself doesn't make computer use bad), I'm just exploring the differences in how people are perceived based on fairly superficial appearances. And the tendency to jump to "just get a job already" before exploring other ideas. (And I still find the idea of jobs as the thing that shows the most responsibility, maturity, contribution, and respectability problematic in its own right. Why are paid and traditional contributions better than unpaid and nontraditional ones? Note that I'm not just responding to this thread, but many threads where many people made similar assumptions about the world. At least it makes it clear autistic people are products of our societies just like anyone else.)

Well said.
I can work my butt off doing projects or learning about physics/ neuroscience / astronomy and I get told that I haven't done anything with my life because I don't do I job I am paid for. How is getting paid better than what I do? If anything people work jobs they hate for less money than they deserve. I spend time on doing what I love.

I'm actually far worse off than when I was 22. Something I call cognitive disintegration. The jobs I would struggle with before I would find overwhelming because of my sensory issues and my thought is far more rigid than before.

I'm 20 and currently going through what OP's stepson is going through. Why whole damn family has problems understanding that I need them to help me a lot of the time's with things like getting a job and being "lazy" but I'm afraid to tell them because i'm afraid they'll just blow me off like they do all the other times. They never take me seriously and make all these stupid assertions that I can be normal if I put more of an effort. They're putting a lot of stress on me and now I just don't know what to do. I'm confused most of the time and can't bring myself to have a normal schedule so I can get things done. I hate going out looking for work because I don't know where to apply so I just call my friends and hang out to reduce the amount of pressure I feel, but even then I get stressed because I know I haven't done anything and my parents are gonna kick me out.

tl;dr I am OP's stepson (In the way of circumstance.)

Yeah, yeah, I hear ya. "Everybody like me can coast but YOU aren't like me so YOU must work EXTRA hard to be of value!".

Try harder to what? Please people who are never going to be pleased? Did you know that "autistic" is not synonymous with "stupid"?

I learned very early that it doesn't pay to please people. They are never satisfied.

Out of all of my jobs, I have only been fired twice. Both times was for blowing my top. I always seem to end up doing the work of three people (it's easy when you don't socialize) and then having more work added to that. Granted, I am "high-functioning" with a freakish IQ but it is no different. It doesn't matter how much I do or how well I do it. I don't socialize, therefore I am considered sub-standard.

Try harder?

Kiss my what?

You're right. Not all people suck. But people who know about autism and STILL push, push, push - I'm sorry but they suck. There is only one incentive to try to pretend to be like everybody else and that is to get such people off your back. Do you want to know what autism is? Autism is "I'm not like you and I'm GLAD!!". Autism is "Give me 5 damn minutes to be who I am without you telling me I'm defective!!".

Where's the person who originally started this topic?