Think my wife is an undiagnosed Aspie

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You should also look into asexuality, which ... basically not all autistic people are asexual and not all asexual people are autistic, so since she already identifies with it that could help you understand that part of her on terms that she's willing to agree to already. There's a lot of good information out there on the Internet about it.

I'm pretty sure autistics are more likely to be non-heterosexual--that includes homosexual, bisexual, and asexual as well as less common variations. So, yes, you'll find a higher percentage of asexuals among autistic people than you will among NTs. Most autistics are heterosexual, though, just like most NTs are.

As far as I can tell, the difference seems to be that autistics don't pick up the sociocultural ideas about sexuality and relationships nearly as easily as NTs do. That means that if you are genetically on the borderline between two categories, if you are NT, you will probably drift toward the norm, whereas if you are autistic, you won't be absorbing nearly the amount of cultural expectations, and are more likely to end up identifying as something other than heterosexual. (I don't think this phenomenon can change an orientation that was going to be strongly expressed to begin with--but it can probably cause people who fall on the fuzzy borders between categories to identify with categories nearer the norm if they are NTs responding to their cultures.)

I think you should suggest to her that she might have it.

your recognition she may have AS seems to have helped you to look at things from her point of view.

note that to us, especially before the recognition of having Asperger's, it seems everyone else treats US wrong. they don't behave the way we would like them to, or recognize how we feel about things because it is so different from them.

understanding must go both ways.

Thanks to all for the kind words. I've been taking a look at the forums on AVEN and some of the stuff there has been a help. I get the feeling that she has developed coping mechanisms over the years especially with regard to social interactions...she would tend to use the same 'set phrases' when talking to people and would say them without really much feeling or inflexion in her speech...is this common with AS? Anyone else feel that they have developed ways of coping with social interactions?
I think she also gets incredibly frustrated and she would be very critical of other people a lot of the time...possibly because it seems to her that its everyone else thats acting weird, like aginst_the_clock says, they felt like they were being abused by the whole world.
I'll update this post when I've talked to her.
Once again, many thanks to everyone for the good advice
Ritchie

Oh, yeah, it's definitely easier to use scripts. Thinking up a whole new way to say things every time takes a lot of concentration; and conversation goes really fast. When I was very little I used almost nothing but scripts; by my teen years, I was making up most of what I said on-the-spot; but I still follow small-talk patterns in a very scripted fashion.

We all learn to cope in our own ways as we get older and get more practice. Autism isn't a static disorder; people with autism learn and grow like anyone does. I'm more socially competent now than I was at twelve, and I'll be more competent at forty than I am now.

And yeah, like katzefrau says--often times, to us, it's the rest of the world that's acting in an illogical fashion. A little translation goes a long way, though. For me, what helped was studying sociology and psychology; but everyone has their own approach. Some people just brute-force it through practice; other people memorize patterns; yet other people learn to communicate in alternative ways or modify their autistic traits into things that NTs see as benign, eccentric, or even charming.

Why not bring your wife here and we can talk to both of you? It's kind of awkward doing this by proxy...

Hi Ritchie, I am married to my potentially AS spouse who is currently undiagnosed at the moment, but we will be seeing results (revealing something or nothing) in the near future regarding that.

I wholeheartedly share your feelings and experience. I too came here in search of more insight, more discussion and commentary regarding the spectrum and my eyes have opened significantly.

Though I haven't been married nearly as long as you (12 years? You go glenn coco!), things have really started to get difficult between me and my husband, and it began to become startlingly clear where the issues stemmed from. We've been together for five years and recently got married, only just started living with one another and no one else but our cat and dog, and both of our cerebral problems have started to rear their ugly heads far too dangerously often.

I eventually just changed gears myself; read all the fifty page university pdf's I could find illustrating the behavioral traits of AS and the motives behind them.

I honestly cried so much when I read all of it. And cried even more when I came here and read the posts. Learning can be so painful, but I am truly blessed to have cast my ego aside and delve more into the realm of understanding and empathy.

I learned so much about what he deals with inside his own mind, how he sees the world and why he does the things he does. Not only am I relieved as holy hell that I've stuck with him, but he's open to getting help and support for it and we're more tight knit than ever when it comes to the foundation of our love.

Thank you for sticking with her, for loving her and your kids. I think you guys are going to be just fine.

Why not send her here to WP and she can have a look around for herself?

Old thread and the OP has not returned to update us about his wife. Makes me wonder how things went like if they are still together or did they split up and he didn't come back to tell us.

Vethysnia, you can see if someone is still a participating member of Wrong Planet by clicking on their username. This takes you to their profile page, and it will show the date they last checked in. You can also click to view their list of past posts and see the date of their last contribution to the forums at the top of that list. Ritchie last visited in January 2011, so it's unlikely he will see or respond to your reply.