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As I said previously, I've been in therapy during three different time periods of my life. Each time, I ended up with something other than what I thought I was seeking.

The first therapist did help me through my divorce and a little bit with depression which were the issues I went to her for. But she kept trying to guide me to a more realistic understanding of what I went through in my childhood which was very irritating and, I thought, a waste of time. But in the ensuing years I was able to come to terms with some deep seated issues leftover from my childhood trama because of the groundwork she layed.

I went to a different therapist years later, again for depression and to figure out how to get rid of a stalker. That therapist kept hammering away at me about my victim syndrom, which I did not believe I had, again; irritating waste of time. Guess what? I got out of my victim syndrom and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

That therapist had moved to another regoin of the country when I needed help again when my boyfriend died. I was falling apart and what did the next therapist do for me? He helped me tremendously with my anger issues. Huh? It was actually a great relief. Still took me 3 years to mourn the loss of the boyfriend.

Therapy is a serpantine path. I am ever so grateful for it.

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Last edited by vectrop on 24 Jan 2011, 1:12 pm, edited 3 times in total.

OK, you already knew about the phoenomom of transference. And yes, it's not pleasant or helpful to learn that it's common when the feeling is so really painful. But here's the thing, you stand to gain something valuable from this contrary and terrible plight.

Honestly, it sounds like you really don't want anyone's advice at all. You keep saying negative things towards MountainLaurel about his/her advice, past experiences and how it will never apply to you in a million years. Dude, life is too short to be unhappy. Someone doesn't return your affection? Find someone that will. Hate your job? Quit and find a new one. Unhappy in your house? Look into rentals. Falling in love, being rejected, unrequited love, that is all part of the human experience. Doesn't make it pleasant, but it doesn't make you special either.

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Last edited by vectrop on 24 Jan 2011, 1:14 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Unrequited love was a part of my human experience only twice. There was this girl in my class who I liked. Later, when I asked her out, I found out she didn't like me back because I didn't have a car. (She'd find out sooner or later anyway, especially if dating became reality.) What made it even worse is that my classmates knew I liked her, and encouraged me to ask her out. When she got my phone number, she ended up using me for tutoring (story of our lives, isn't it). What did I get in the end? One hug on the last day of class!

After that year, senior year of high school to be exact, I never liked a girl who I wasn't 100% sure liked me back. I did make a mistake once, when I misinterpreted the girl's action, but it was the only time it happened; that was freshman year of college. After that, I'd wait until I get clear indication of romantic interest, and only then let my brain start having feelings for her. I have not experienced unrequited love, ever, and can't help but roll my eyes when someone talks about it.

But back to the original topic. I saw a psych worker when I was in my early teens, getting tested for ADD, then again when I was in my mid teens, for general therapy. First time, it was a horrible experience that sent me into a two-week depression. I had to spend hours playing video games until my eyes and head started to hurt, and sneak sips from the liquor cabinet when I was home alone, just to get through the day. I wish I didn't have to do that, but what other choice did I have?

Second time was actually OK, except the therapist has some strange theories. She insisted on me talking about my feelings in situations I described, which I had trouble doing. I coped by memorizing a list from an book, and picked and chose the best matches. She also thought that sharing every detail of my experiences with being bullied would help me deal with them. I knew it was BS, but luckily, she listened when I simply refused to talk about it. To this day, I'm reluctant to do talk therapy.

Why don't you just have a talk with this therapist?

I have been in therapy a few times and did feel the pang of knowing that the connection was situational. This feeling of closeness and deep understanding is not uncommon. In fact it's so common therapists are taught how to deal with a client/patient "falling in love with them". It happens to all types in therapeutic situations, not just people on the spectrum.

Best to communicate this to the therapist and have them help you find another. There are some that will take advantage, but a good one will understand the need to discontinue contact.

I had a female therapist off and on for years (for depression, anxiety, blah blah), and she was the one that crossed some lines. She thought I was really neat, wanted me to meet her for lunch, (I did once, felt weird), go for walks, then at one point she wanted me to help her get a business started, distribute flyers where I worked, I agreed at first, then realized how wrong it was, she showed up where I worked with her flyers, but the bizarre thing was she had died her hair. She had recently asked me what I colored my hair with (very light ash blonde at the time, but have the coloring for it as I was blond as a child), and there she shows up with this ash blonde hair, and she is Lebanese, olive complexion, almost black hair.
She was a good therapist for some things, turned out though that she gave me all kinds of bad advice about money/work and later I understood that she had and why, she did some of the most irresponsible things when it came to practical matters, AND told me about them like it was nothing. Only person I ever knew who bought a new car (in a state that didn't have a policy for returning it), took it back in a few weeks and insisted they take it back and let her purchase a more luxurious model because she had decided she deserved it.
Also had a plumber replumb her how house because it was needed, knowing she couldn't pay him anything, didn't explain this to him, just after he had spent weeks on her home, told him he would have to wait til she could afford to pay. Then she went to Europe a couple of months later for a vacation. She was mid forties then, a grandchild, and still got money from Daddy when she was hard up.

Takes all kinds, people like us have to try and learn to be careful. I hate to this day that I gave that woman a large chunk of money toward my bill when I had no income. After her input that prevented me from finding "any job" for months and months, I had to file bankruptcy and she never did get the rest of her money because she didn't file the necessary paperwork to get it.

I have had only bad experiences with therapy, though none like the one you describe. (I have generally disliked my therapists quite a bit rather than liking them too much.) It seems to me your options are to either discuss this with your therapist, or find another therapist, with whom you can discuss this issue and also whatever else you felt you needed therapy to deal with.

As for the pain it has caused you, I'm not sure what you can do about it. I have the tendency to hang on to painful situations and not let them go. I don't recommend this course but for me it has been unavoidable. Try to gain some perspective by becoming immersed in a different situation, perhaps, even if it's just seeing a different therapist.

How productive any experience is depends on how willing we are to use it, regardless of our disappointment or frustration with it. It's kind of a cup half-empty or cup half-full thing. Regarding your second question, a therapist has to adapt their method to suit the patient to a degree; if not they really don't belong in their profession. There is no "one-size fits all" with therapy (tho the scientologists would disagree!).


Then you are looking for something that you have no business looking for from therapy. Chances are if you fell for your therapist, it wasn't a random thing or just "bad luck." Chances are that you are attracted to someone who you feel can take care of you.


I thought it was you who had feelings for the therapist, not vice versa? Feeling affection doesn't have to be a problem, as long as it's impersonal. Personal feelings always include a degree of investment in the other person. Personal affection cannot be unconditional, I don't think, and a therapist's affection for a patient has to be unconditional (besides their getting paid, that is!).

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Welcome to the wonderful world of human desire, with all the messy tangled emotions that it entails. If you think it's possible to go through life without suffering, then you areally are on the wrong planet. This goes double for therapy, and ten-fold for "romantic" relationship. If you aren't willing to see your pain increase as you go deeper into your own experience of yourself, your desires and hopes and illusions, then stay out of therapy, and stay away from love!


That's where you are wrong. The only way to solve any problem, ever, is by listening to the unconscious. Anything else is just rearranging the furniture. And if you don't believe that, why go into therapy?


That's a start, definitely. I am married to someone who is much higher/deeper on the autist spectrum than I am, and it's taken me two years to realize, and own up to, how deep my need is for human loving connection that, much of the time, she can't provide. I have suffered more emotional distress since I met and married my "perfect match" than I ever did previously. But most of the time I accept that "the road of true love never did run smooth."


Evidently it doesn't work for you, or else you wouldn't have gone in therapy and you wouldn't have wound up in this present pickle, being forced to recognize your human need for contact. Not even autists are islands.


A lot of the time it can feel like we wound up with the worst of both worlds. I am not NT enough to wind up in a "normal" relationship but I am not aspergerian enough to be comfortable with the distance and coolness of being married to an autie. Life is a learning curve: one thing I know, wishing that things were different, or that we were, is the surest way to prevent anything from changing. The first step is self-acceptance, and that goes hand in hand with accepting our circumstances, which were always created by ourselves!

The alternative is being a victim and a whiner, and though that may satisfy some wounded part of us, it also perpetuates the conditions that we are whining about, possibly indefinitely.

Having re-read vectrop's OP, I see that your therapist does seem to have dispalyed some warmth, that you at least consider may have been inappropriate. How much have you discussed this with her?

Your basic complaint seems to revolve around the belief that it is better not to feel love and desire at all, than to experience it and not have it satisfied. Why not be glad that such feelings have been stirred in you, knowing that a heart that starts to awaken after a long time dormant is going to be painful?

Right after he's unplugged, Neo asks Morpheus, "Why do my eyes hurt?"

"Because you've never used them before."

The main thing to realize here is that, even for seasoned pros, romantic love always includes a degree of projection. In your case I'd bet that it's 90% that. What that means, in simple terms, is that, whatever you are seeing and responding to in your therapist, it exists in you. (Jung called in the anima.) As it starts to come back to life, due to this person's presence/influence, you naturally project those inner qualities onto them, and make it all about the other. The unattainable object of desire.

Ever see the movie Harold and Maude? At the end, Harold cries as he is losing the woman he loves, and says, for the first time ever, "I love you!"

She replies, "That's wonderful, Harold. Now go and love some more."

What counts isn't whether you are getting what you want; what counts is that you are learning to love.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPqxNzhyp7w[/youtube]

What you are describing is the phenomena of "transference." It is what happens in "therapy."

Usually these feelings are analyzed as indicative of early attachnments. A good place to start would be that "if you don't pay or quit then you are nothing to him." Painful and embarrassing.

But anyone who suggests that when you get a crush on a therapist that means it's time to find a "partner to share these feelings" is loopy and doesn't know a thing about psychology. NT doesn't mean shallow.

I just Goggled "transference" and there is so much on it that I can only suggest that you try it.

It is amazing how painful romantic love can be. But it is this way for everyone and not just Aspies. It's wonderful... but like being shot... or better maybe, like being poisoned. But you should know that this feeling is very common in therapy, and it is a good thing that you can feel soo deeply.