Do you ever feel this way?

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I think possibliy it might get easier to communicate with NTs in your age group as you get older.

Some of my friends even though they are in there early 20's behave more like school kids. And yes one or two of them can be really rude and blunt when i try and talk to them and have no problem showing that they are not interested in what i am talking about through body language and like they say "actions speak louder than words"

My oldest friend who i have known since childhood is a plumber and i find at times he is the hardest to talk too although i guess there are times when he does show an interest BUT not always.

I'd call myself a "perhapspie" , but maybe the fact that I really do feel this way quite a lot reinforces that I indeed am on the spectrum.

It's kind of like everyone else is behind a glass window at a social event..sometimes I get access to one or two at a time, but never actually 'in sync' with the group. (I'd be able to say more if I actually went out with friends regularly!)

And wow! The thing with dyslexics makes sense! Some of my family members are dyslexic, and I interact well with each of them (especially when talking about their interests/obsessions, such as movies..). Of course, I get tired of hearing "Hey, Nicole! How do you spell..."

My NT friends are satisfied with superficialities, so that even though we never come to some point of understanding each other, we are "friends". Just like that. I long for a more honest connection than that, which I mostly just experience with people who are not NT. I think this is the clue about it all, that in company with NTs I have to consentrate on the superficialities and everything is always just "OK". Im glad I know other aspies, because we always have a meaningful conversation when we meet, but Im mostly among NTs, and I know that the superficialities means everything to them. I think Im outside of it just because I have the need of something more important to talk about.

I don't consider people like that friends. I haven't stayed in touch with people I grew up with or went to school with or worked with, it seems pointless.

I've made some friends through my special interests, but sadly the only ones who seem to accept my need for space and time to process are the ones who only want acquaintances they continue to hold at arm's length, or they're very needy, insecure people who start out very accepting, then turn into emotional leeches.

But it's still better than sitting in a room full of people behind a glass wall or having to put on a big performance of neurotypicality and wit.

I was thinking about this today.

Even with people I've known for YEARS, it's like I have to start all over with them if I haven't seen them for awhile.

I've always felt like there was some kind of *invisible wall* between me and everyone else, and like other people know something I don't about socializing.

I've realized that's it not really true as I've gotten older, I FEEL like I'm the outside more than I actually am. People probably view me like they view anyone else and if I just do what other people do they will probably think I'm *normal* but it still feels strange and like I'm faking it.

I understand. Even with close friends, I feel a degree of distance, a chasom I can never cross. The downside of being individual beings is that we are cut off from others and have to be a sometimes-lonely "I." Our problems socializing unmask a part of the human condition that most neurotypicals can bury under relationships and empathy. They are better at lying to themselves about a fundamental aloneness we all face. It must be a comforting falsehood.