Personal doubts

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I used to get something like that, but these days I don't see AS as an either-or thing, I just see myself as having some Aspie traits, which seem strong enough to get me legally labelled as having AS. That's not going to change much, I'm not going to find out one day that I was wrong all the time. If they ever perfect an objective brain-imaging test for AS, I'd be very surprised if I didn't show up as Aspie with that.....I do fear that slightly, but until there is an objective test, it's really not much of a worry. It's enough for me to focus on the individual traits, where I'm still measuring their strength, recognising old coping strategies, looking at new ones, etc. Also I think it's important not to think of myself purely in terms of AS......just because I've got that doesn't mean that I have no other differences. It's not good to always impose Aspie theory on every interpersonal and executive function problem I have.

That's certainly a perspective to consider, although what I end up doubting is whether I have autistic traits at all. I do have them, and I know this even when I'm doubting (which is anxiety - a cognitive distortion - and thus not rational). I start to wonder if I'm exaggerating everything even though I always tell the truth to the best of my ability, and it's probably the result of living most of my life up until 2010 believing that my problems were personal failures and neurological or psychological difficulties, and coping with that perspective cropping up again and again.

I definitely know I have other differences, and I'm not likely to forget any of them, or assume all my problems come from being autistic. I think in a lot of cases I have problems I would have had anyway, but that ADHD, PTSD, autism, etc simply exacerbates them or each other.

I have an official diagnosis (though my diagnosis is on the spectrum rather than full fledged AS) and I doubt it all the time. I feel weird and immature and unable to cope out in the world, and yet I feel like it's my fault, and that I should be able to improve my functioning by trying harder. And to some extent I actually think that's true, but I also have chronic fatigue, which prevents me from going out into the world and trying to improve my skills. I don't have many of the marked sensory issues that people on WP often describe, so I always think I don't quite fit, but then again my sensory issues are bad enough to have ruined my sex life. And yet I still feel like I should have been able to fix it on my own. Sometimes I just discount AS completely and think my problems lie elsewhere. Bah, it's a constant struggle of self doubt.

Yeah, Ive thought the exact same thing. If I don't have it, it's tomato/tomahto as I mimic it so closely. Without a cure, it makes no difference.

It's also difficult for me to doubt it for long because my partner believes it and has read several books on the subject. If I forget my evidence for a moment and doubt it, she just looks at me like I'm crazy.

I sometimes have ideas like that, I know they're wrong, but at the time I feel that they're right. Even though I'm a scientist and by nature I tend to be skeptical of my beliefs, that happens. And yes, it's hard to grow out of the pre-AS-awareness stage....going all those years without knowing, people are bound to try to explain their problems in terms of the nearest plausible theories, and the whole thing gets very ingrained. I think it's part of human nature to lock onto the first theory that seems to explain a thing.

All my life I thought that people were simply wrong to clutter up the environment with obstacles, and that I was right to go for clear gangways - after all, it's basic health and safety isn't it? Then I heard about Aspies being prone to clumsiness......at first I didn't believe I was, because my accident count is pretty low, until I realised that all my life I'd been compensating by controlling my environment so that it was very hard to knock things over. The reason NTs tolerate clutter is that they can move about in it without having accidents, whereas I can't. That's just one adjustment I had to make to my view of myself and others. If I hadn't been prepared to let go of my pride, I'd probably still be thinking that I was just one of those superior, tidy people.

I doubt my own assessment quite often. My conception of myself and what autism exactly is and isn't keeps changing. I went to hang out with a bunch of aspies last weekend, and my traits seemed much more invisible to me. Also, I seem to be making tremendous improvements in areas such as sensory integration, non verbal communication and reciprocity. I'm not sure if what I've had all along is some kind of attention/memory problem. My executive functioning is still a huge problem to me. This is a completely self indulgent post.

Yeah, I didn't think I was clumsy because I have a good sense of balance and I can catch things before they fall very far.

But at the same time, I trip often enough to test my sense of balance, and I have to catch things because I drop them. Also, I get kind of annoyed at how many pieces of furniture I can manage to bump into while crossing a room. So, yeah... little bit more than I thought it was.

But yes, exactly.

So was my OP.

Do you think meditation is helping you with these things you mention?

I do, and that's why I bang on about it so much. I'm trying to reign my enthusiasm in a bit.

I'm in the middle of writing a blog post (well, basically just cross referencing a bunch of other material together, really), about common autism traits, neurological causes and recent studies that suggest meditation may create improvements in many of those areas. It's kinda complex though and I'm a lazy daisy.

It would be really awesome if I could do some actual science on this, myself.

I don't know if you've heard of biofeedback treatments, but meditation is a lot like biofeedback, without the machines. Biofeedback is now being used to treat adhd and autism and other neurological conditions. http://www.disability-resource.com/Auti ... dback.html The effects are reputed to be permanent.

Is there an affordable monitor on the market, that works? I've always wanted to play around with biofeedback.

I went through a long period of doubt about both my OCD and AS diagnoses. I have accepted both now and rarely have doubts, unless somebody questions the diagnosis and doesn't believe it. Then, I feel I have to "prove" it or something. But I don't consider myself autistic. I don't think my problems are severe enough to warrant my saying I'm autistic. I have definite deficits in life, but I am self-sufficient enough that I don't think I'm autistic. Not saying that I'm ashamed to be called autistic. Not that at all. It's just that I don't think it's fair to truly autistic individuals for me to say that I have the same label/problems that they do.

A friend of mine was tweeting about doing some self monitoring at home, so I think surely there must be.

Actually, I think I remember reading about making your own at home. Maybe get down to makro!

I'd love to be of more help, but I've a meeting to get to. I'm quite interested myself now...

That'd probably be a good starting point for me......I've got a soldering iron.

sometimes i feel like a walking stereotype and other times i don't think i have it all. i seem normal enough to me, except when compared to others.

Today with my therapist I felt more autistic.

That she kept telling me how autistic she thought I was probably had something to do with it, but I also felt like the way I moved/talked was more stereotypical.

Now and then I have 'autism' attacks where I start being clumsier and incapable of responding in a timely or reasonable way to conversation.